I haven’t been on here in months. But the people who I thought were helping just aren’t. I just wanna know…DO I deserve this? Do I deserve the teasing, the people talk who talk about me, the family who loves and finds interest in me selectively? Or am I over reacting, and need to get over myself. Is cutting foolish, or do my reasons make sense? I’m kinda confused right now…
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You don’t deserve the teasing and the people who talk about you. Sorry.
Cutting doesn’t help anything really. Neither do pills or alcohol or whatever substance you might be into.
No you don’t deserve how you are being treated. No you are not over-reacting. No cutting is not foolish; it is an expression of the pain you feel. Yes it is okay to feel confused. It sounds like so far you haven’t found anyone who is willing to listen. Many are good at giving advice, but few are good at listening. My own family has perfected the art of selective listening and they simply tune out everything I say that they do not want to hear. They still do this and I am 42 years old now. I made it out of the other side of daily mental and emotional anguish and torment, but I still carry that earlier person with me and still need to learn empathy for who I was. If you are not being heard with empathy, then you are not being heard.
In short, as for myself, I was a self-hater for decades. In my teens I tried to eat my pain away and then in college starved myself. I started cutting much later in graduate school. Actually it would be more apt to call what I did slashing with force. I constantly thought about my own death, but really the thought of having never been born appealed to me the most.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but self-hatred was at the core of my pain, the constant feeling that I was dying inside. I also suffer from a major anxiety disorder. I didn’t look for help until I was already married in my early 30s. My wife saved my life because she convinced me to start a path that has led me to ten years of a wonderful marriage and a beautiful daughter.
There is hope.
Thank you
I don’t know if people deserve the things they get. People talking about you or just trying to help will bother you after awhile, I suppose. “Eat more”, “Stop cutting”, “Think more positive, like me”. Have you heard that before? I guess it’s okay, as long as you’re idle.
Saw a quote the other day – “Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither will water or milk”. That’s sort of the way I feel about cutting. It’s not a solution, nothing is except *the* solution to whatever specific problem you’re facing. But maybe it gives you the emotional resources to find that specific solution.
You need to do your own cost-benefit analysis. No-one can tell you for sure whether cutting (or any other decision for that matter) is foolish or not. Do you want to be a professional? Is visible evidence of emotional disturbance going to affect your chances? Is the risk worth it? What other options do you have?
“Deserve” is a word I try not to use (except in reference to nice things!) because its potential for vagueness and subjectivity bothers me. But I do believe that malicious teasing and gossip is wrong. As for being over-sensitive, I do feel that most people occasionally need to “get over themselves” – at the moment I am a case in point. It is possible you may be taking yourself too seriously and are therefore in more pain than you need to be! And of course I am not sure what your specific family situation is, but people get tired. It’s definitely normal for love and attention to waver and almost seem to disappear sometimes, but I’m not in a position to judge whether what you’re getting from your family is appropriate.