I’m exhausted, and not just me, the people around me as well. Some nights I just sob in bed, shoving my desire to go get help back down my throat because I know no one wants to wake up to listen to me cry about how I’m hurting, feeling destructive and suicidal. I guess when I feel like I do some times, all I want to do is get help, to talk about it, tell someone so I’m not alone. More often than not lately, I’m choosing to be alone fighting all by myself against myself. I might be screaming into my pillows, at war with my demons, panicking, and dealing with what hurts me to the core of my being,…but no one in the house has a clue whats going on behind my door, inside my head. Who’s fault is that? Mine.
If you accidentally stabbed yourself cutting something up; if you were bleeding all over, and you began to panic, wouldn’t you access that you were in danger, seek help from someone nearby, drive to ER, or call 911??
When I take my nose dives off those happy mountains I climb, I access; Often, without knowing it, I access that I am in danger. I am a danger to myself. My self preservation kicks in, and the panic alarm goes off in my brain. All I want to do is get help, tell someone! I want to let someone know I’m not feeling good, that I feel scared and that I don’t know what to do. Guilt, hopelessness, and the feeling of being burdensome to the people I love, more often then not, stop me in my tracks…I think to myself, I cant wake up my husband, just to cry to him about feelings I cant explain without doing detrimental damage to his heart! He has to get up early, has to go to work, he might be tired driving and could get into an accident and get hurt, or he might just be tired all day and get sick. It will be all my fault. I don’t want to hurt him, I need to just let him sleep...or I think, Its 2:30am, my friend is on call for work, she could get called out at any time, and has to work all day tomorrow. I cant call her or wake her to tell her I’m not ok. I will just worry her, and if she gets called out she will be so tired because she was up listening to me complain. She could get into a car accident or it could effect her ability to work, and it will be my fault. Â
Even in these thoughts though, my instinct is to get help, and to not be alone. I have talked about it with my counselor , and she says its “self punishment” to deprive myself help when I need it. Deprive? She said that my physical reaction to my nose diving into an ocean of dark colored hurting, hopelessness, and heavy sadness is proper function to self preserve. When I feel this way It’s ok to tell someone, and I should. Then I fall on the guilt and feelings of burdening. She always reminds me these people love me, and have offered to help. That I need to respect them if they ask me to not do something, or talk about something — they need boundaries too, but to not focus on being the negative cause, for the negative effects.Here I am 12:22am, crying, feeling like I’m the cause of everything bad happening, feeling out of control, feeling dangerous, thinking negatively, and . . . even with the advice and reassurance from my counselor I still side to deprive myself of help because I don’t want to be inconvenient. :'(
7 comments
Get help.. Sometimes it helps a lot and you might be one of the people it makes feel 100% better, there’s nothing to lose, so try out a therapist and see if you like them.
I have a counselor and a dr. I have anxiety meds, and sleep aids, but do no respond well or at all to the several medications I have been put on over the years. My help is living with my friend who is a nurse. She attends all my apts and is educated on my medications. Etc…But what when Im all alone, and getting support when I need it most seems, sometimes in the middle of the night–seems all together inconvenient, and just burdensome?
Everyone who’s depressed feels the most lonely at night, because that’s when you have time to think the most. Personally I quit depression pills all together because they were making me worse so why would I take them? And instead of your friend going to appointments why don’t you sit and have a one on one with her?
She is a Hospice nurse, so she works with people dying, and does pain management. She has plenty of experience with antidepressants because apparently the dying – cancer, ALS, etc, are sad about it. Also has vast experience with anxiety meds and works with them all the time. But she isnt a counselor, and it doesn’t take much to bring her from feeling good to feeling overwhelmed. My counselor works kinda with the both of us, she helps my friend learn how to best help me, while working with me. Helps my friend understand the better responses to different issues I have. Etc.
My friend lately has been super overwhelmed. Her daughter got beat up by her husband, while she was holding their 1yr old. She went to Victims projection and is staying at the VIP 30min from here, theres alot going on there, while her other daughter (twins) is 100s of miles from here and is just about as screwed up as I am sometimes. My friends dad is quite old, and is needing a lot more care and attention from her this year, her husband is a maniac, She lost her closest brother to a heart attack and feels guilt because he was with her, and she didnt notice the symptoms or his odd behavior–he didnt tell anyone he was having chest pain. She is pulled thin and overwhelmed, sooo waking her up in the middle of the night when she has to drive all over the frickin country the next day tired because she was up listening to “poor me” seems selfish. 🙁
I hurt, i dont want to hurt other people because of it though. i feel selfish and inconvenient, when I need support from my husband and friend, but it takes away from their life….especially if they are having a rainbow and sunshine kind of day and then I open my mouth and their face goes from worry free happy to heavy, and upset. It makes me just not want to talk… 🙁
I have thought about calling a “talk line” or help line but im too scared, and paranoid. :S
No matter how busy and over whelmed your friend should always be there for you, what’s a loyal friend for if you can’t open up and talk to them? And you should also be able to talk to your husband too, isn’t that why you married him? I’m only a 19 girl and I don’t know much about relationships but I’ve been dating the same person since I was 15 and it hasn’t exactly been easy to open up to her but I have and we’re not married yet and I already know I always have her to confied in, and we both have really shitty lives but we work together because we keep each other up, that’s what your significant other is for yeah? Talk to your husband more, and your friend don’t feel selfish, because if they didn’t have you then they would be devastated and wish you would’ve talked to them.
I talked to my husband today a few times. I do talk to them when its ok. Its when I’m not ok, and its not very convenient for them to listen when i have problems. Like in the middle of the night when they have to be up early or have a big long day ahead or something…when I’m not alone, but totally alone all at once. :'( I dont know maybe I’m just a really fucking dumb person, maybe I’m a wuss and am just a whiner, maybe I’m the only one that can relate to having support but still being completely alone when I need their support and presence most because its typically when they are working, busy, or asleep. :'( today has been a really shitty day. Im glad its nearly done. 🙁
Tell him how you feel, you’ll never feel better if you don’t. You deserve for your husband to be there for you even if it means being a little tired in the morning. And if not I sure have a lot of time on my hands and I’m here to listen. 😊