I’ve lost everything, and I’m too old for this kind of nonsense in my life. I currently feel like nothing I do matters.
3 months ago I had a fiancee who I was madly in love with and a new baby boy, my first born. I had went back to school at the beginning of the year, was doing spectacular in school. I had a future career that involved adequate pay and job stability, a career that I knew was a great fit for me. I had generic aspirations – a wife, 2-3 kids, a house, a career, growing old and creating memories with the same core nuclear family. 1 year ago I had none of these future dreams, in fact, I never had. The news of my baby changed my life and created these future aspirations in me. For the first time I felt like a full fledged adult carving a future for himself.
Now my life is ruined. I have no fiancee and no ability to see my baby. My fiancee thinks I’m the worst person in the world. I have massive legal issues that will (probably) completely screw up any chance at a strong career that I had. It will be many months, perhaps many years, before everything is said and done, and at the end, I might have something on my record that will prevent me from doing anything worthwhile for society, ever again. My potential is for naught. I have no social circle left. The only people that I can actually count on to talk to me on a regular basis are my brother and my mother, both who do it out of unconditional need, not because of desire. 99.9% of the time I can’t stand my mother and need to stay far, far away from her to keep myself sane. My brother is much more tolerable but not much better. They live several hours away. When I’m in their company for more than my ‘fill’, I can feel my life force draining. Like for every hour that I spent past that point, 2 weeks of my soul die. I see no light at the end of my tunnel, and I’m not a stupid teenager or early 20s person in ‘quarter-life’ depression anymore. I’m too old for this nonsense. I’m aware of my innate problem of selfishness but can’t seem to get away from it, ever. I’m sick of being a burden on my family. I’m sick of being a joke to others, someone that others feel sorry for. I’m sick of having nothing that I do matters. I’m sick of feeling like God never intends me to be happy. IÂ want to kill myself.
3 comments
Think of your baby and do everything you can for him because in the end nothing matters but him…I’m a mother of one and she is my reason to live. Her father committed suicide.
I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her and no matter what you should try and hold on for your boy…I will pray for you…even if it does absolutely no good…but I hope that things get better…honestly.
Pardon my pessimism, but I can’t be there for him right now, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to be there for him. I can’t be a good father in this state. Right now I’m just a paycheck, and I know money means very little in the big picture.
Living day to day, not worrying about the future or others, seems to be the only way that I can manage to continue at the moment. It’s terrible but without a future, I don’t know of any other option.
Guitargod, you sound overwhelmed, like you are grieving a loss of your relationship, and a loss of your dreams. It’s brutal when losses pile up, but can you say, with 100% certainty that you have no future? Seriously.
You could end up being the critical safe harbor for your boy when he needs to differentiate from his “crazy” mom. Judges can be empathetic, and people like redemption stories. Can you give yourself compassion until new positive possibilities can be conceived? If you’re a musician … you may have some great right brain therapy to help you during this season.