Today the idea of death swept over me so much more than it has in the past. I think the time is coming close for me as it rightfully should. I don’t know why I’m doing this, writing on this page like this. I know in my gut that this probably won’t help. I rightfully deserve to die. Before you start trying to say it’s ok, and that I’m a good person and that we all have the right to live, I have to go ahead and disagree with you. I was in love with a beautiful girl. At the time I was 21. We had just started living together. we had been with each other for a year. It only took one month of living together to find out she was cheating on me. I had my suspicions so like a desperate fool I checked her phone and found the most erotic deep hurting messages about their affair together and how she loved it. Needless to say I went and got drunk and came back and confronted her about it; and of all days on valentines day. I was so angry and lost my temper as soon as I entered the apartment. After 10 minutes of me screaming as hard and loud as i could she tried to leave. I barricaded the door. She kept trying to put on her jacket and each time I ripped it off her. I eventually pinned her to the ground telling her she wasn’t going to leave and that we were going to finish talking about it. I threw her against our futon in the living room. She ran to the balcony and cried for help into the night. I immediately picked her up and threw her over my back and proceeded to take her into the bedroom where I threw her onto the bed. That night is all a blur with liquor and rage. By the time the police knocked on my door I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane. I cried like a baby that night they took me away. I pleaded guilty to second degree kidnapping, class two felony 4 to 6 years in prison. However, I had no criminal record. this was my first offense ever. Because I plead guilty they granted me the option of a diversion program rather than jail time. Two years in diversion and my record would be wiped  clean afterward. It is now september 11th 2013, almost three years later. I am now 24 and I made it through my diversion program and my record is clean. For two years I looked forward to clearing my name, and I thought I would just continue on with my life. I realize now that there is no moving on. Not when you realize what you are. I may have cleared my name and I may be a free clean cut private college boy to society, but when you realize that you are a monster and that you are pure evil, there is no clearing that away. I don’t deserve to be here. I wouldn’t expect anyone to really understand this. I wonder if there are other criminals out there who have done what i did and feel no remorse what so ever. That is the only satisfaction I get from this whole situation is knowing that I truly do feel so completely disgusted with myself. I wonder if my ex would believe me if I told her that. I wonder if she could ever forgive me. However, I realize now that I can never forgive myself. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve even tried to date again, but I just can’t find it in me to allow any woman to date me. I don’t deserve the love. The world is full of scum like me, and I need to do everyone a favor and rid them of my existence. I suppose this is my last story I wanted to tell. If i leave this world doing anything, I want it to be this, giving some advice: love unconditionally, smile every chance you get, and whenever someone hurts you no matter how deep, know this….. they are going to hurt 1 million times worse than how they hurt you because they will realize what such a horrible thing they did to you. If they don’t realize this then that just even more greatly affirms that they don’t deserve your love and you should pay them no mind what so ever. Know that no matter what they do or what they say, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are kind, and all the love in the world is yours to have. I still love my beautiful woman where ever she is. It’s time for me to go
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But…I know you don’t want this but I can’t help but feel there is hope for you even if you know for a fact there isn’t. You were under the influence of alcohol, very understandably enraged, and you let the heat of the moment sweep over you. I understand having done this how you feel as if you are a monster and could never forgive yourself, but from the outside looking in, you’re a man who was wronged, dealt with it in a drunken rage, and although what you did was not right, it is totally forgivable because of the fact that you feel so much remorse. Sometimes it seems like events like this batter good people more than evil people, because they always saw themselves as more good than bad, but after doing one thing so out of character, they can’t forgive themselves. I wish you could forgive yourself. I really really do. You don’t deserve to torment yourself over a bad decision that you so obviously regret.
its so easy to say I don’t deserve to torment myself, but it’s the least I deserve after what I did. believe me when I say this. You’re words were moving though thank you
You successfully out-monstered the monster who thought it could do whatever it wanted without any consideration for your well-being, or the potential consequences for either of you.
Alcohol makes it harder to behave rationally, easier to go full-monster.
But dude… everyone has a dark side, everyone has an inner beast, and almost everyone will flip the fuck out if hurt in just the wrong way, by just the right person.
I once found myself gazing out into hellish visions from upon the precipice of doom… and though the scenario was somewhat similar, my choice was different. I never once hurt her, though she absolutely deserved it. She doesn’t care that i can’t forgive her, doesn’t care whether i’m miserable or fine, dead or alive… that i ever even existed. She intentionally toyed with my emotions, from afar, for years afterward. But i live with this war inside me, because that’s the damage she gave… and it’s this or nothing.
It’s weird, i still feel those same sensations of missing someone i cared so deeply for… the longing, the resentment, the knives of betrayal and deceit… but it’s not her i miss. It’s who she pretended to be, who i thought she was, and even who i was, then. And i’m glad i didn’t do what i didn’t do, over something that really didn’t even exist. If i could choose, i would want just about anyone else; hopefully someone actually compatible.
However… i made sure she did receive every word i had to say about it. Some people swear that hurtful words are worse than violence. I usually disagree. I can only hope that is true, in this case, because she deserves to hurt. But i think she really just doesn’t care. I think she’s actually a sociopath. I think the only thing that ever hurts her, is when she doesn’t get whatever she wants… so i doubt she’s hurting at all, now.
In my case, i often regret /not/ hurting her. But that’s just my dark side rattling the cage. It gets restless when i don’t let it out, which i rarely ever do anymore. That last time was just too close, and i realized i can’t let myself get that close to making such a huge mistake.
I suppose the point of sharing that, was to emphasize that i don’t think you’re any more of a monster than most people. Maybe she deserved it. Maybe you took it too far. And maybe this will be offensively insensitive to a lot of people, but… shit happens. People are people, and will do what they do. If you break someone’s heart, you should expect them to possibly lose control of their actions, due to an extreme and overwhelming emotional trauma. It happens. It’s human. Humans are fallible animals who can and do lose their sense of civility, in certain circumstances. I think you should keep going, keep trying, and emphatically embrace self-control.
There’s a Hunter S. Thompson quote:
“The Edge… There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”
You’ve been over an edge most never know. And you’re still here. And you know that a monstrous lapse in humanity, does not necessarily make a monster of a man… but it does change him.
you hit the nail on the head. and I’m sorry it sounds like the exact same thing happened to you. i wish you all the best of luck in the world
Just by reading your story, I would date you and treat you amazingly. You’re rare. There aren’t a lot of men your age who actually cherish a serious and loyal relationship. She didn’t deserve you.
this really does mean so much
Bro. FUcking women. I guess most of us guys on here have quite similar stories to tell.
I registered on this site just so I could reply to your post. I won’t try to tell you that you deserve to live because maybe you don’t. I know I don’t, and I wouldn’t listen if someone tries to convince me otherwise.
The ugly truth is that there are monsters among us. Inside of us. We are doing ourselves a disservice by denying that. Do the monsters deserve to live? I don’t think so, but that doesn’t stop them.
Take that guy Castro, child abuser, who hung himself last week. If he had come on this site asking for support would he get it? More to the point, would he DESERVE it? Or did he do the right thing by snuffing out his existence and ending his pain as well as the pain he would inflict on others?
People think I’m a good person in real life. A fucking saint. But they will never know, and I can never tell them, that the only reason I am “good” is because I live a life of constant torment, trying to make up for the unspeakable crimes I’ve done.
It gets to the point where you realize you will never atone for your crimes because that’s who you are. You can fool the judges, you can fool society, you can even fool god. But you can’t fool yourself. My verdict: guilty. My sentence: death.
The edge … nice quote by CN … and apt. Most of us have probably found it at some point in life, or will by the age of 30 or so. Once defined and identified we can know going forward how to stay well back from it. The key is to develop our own internal safeguards and barricades to keep us from that point. That involves finding new ways to recognize, redirect, deflect and channel our anger, frustrated and hurt feelings into a more positive outlet.
When we’re angry and hurt we have long learned to lash out and attack the thing that hurts us … but as you found – that is illegal. To simply make the choice to create a resolution to just calmly say “sorry, you’re a lying cheating whore and i have no use for someone who has so little self respect, honor and decency much less a truthful bone in your body leaves me no choice but to cut your cancerous and negative personality from my life since it lowers my value – ( for added drama you could add) i truly hope you find peace, love and self respect along with a spineless mewling wimp of a BF who will accept you being a public cum dumpster – but i am better than that and there are 2.5 billion women out there that will appreciate me treating them with respect and class” (based on your story would be a true statement)
Bottom line is that we, as individuals, do not “own” people and fucking/sex (in most countries) is legal but more importantly despite our hurt and betrayal, we are not judge, jury and executioner so we do not have free license to disperse “punishment” for perceived wrongs. WE can dictate our own course of action but we cannot dictate the legal actions of others.
Find and develop the tools and practice how to recognize the increasing internal agitation … attend an anger management class or any other type of instructional/learning course to help develop tools to channel angry energy in a more positive direction … being upset about any situation is natural – how we choose to react to the upsetting situation is a choice.
And you CAN forgive yourself … in your ignorance of having better tools to handle that situation better, you simply made a mistake … oops … everyone makes mistakes … EVERYONE. No need for it to be a death sentence or the end of the world. But it should be a transformational learning experience – all you really have to do is let it be just that. You can go forward and create better relationships with your new knowledge.
been there dawg