my story

Now im just stating my story. Its late so i will not be focusing on grammar sowwy. I always feel like people question me all the time. Or i look at other stories and people must see mine and be like is this ***** serious? Well anyway, for two years ive been dating this amazing guy. the first 8 months was the happiest time of my life. then we had normal couple fights that were easily gotten over. then the worst night happened and i cheated on him. then he admitted he had cheated a month before. We were both unbelievably sorry and spent days and nights apologizing. We both had trust issues and that few months after became a serious rough patch. I became severely depressed. I threatened suicide but used it as more of an in your face instead of seriousness (which i know is very low). I know your all thinking oh look her problems are her own fault she caused them..and your right. anyway my mom told me i should see a therapist and to be honest i loved it. I loved going once a week and getting my every thought and idea out. There would be weeks of me and my boyfriend being amazingly happy then fighting and “broken up” others. The on and off caused more hookups and cheating and soon it spiraled out of control. I quickly realized that my relationship was borderline abusive. He played mind games, he spit on me, he would swear and threaten to hit me, but i took it because i was so in love with him. I lost all of my friends because they hated him and what he did to me. I gained 40 pounds from stress and his constant forcing me to eat with him. Then it was time for me to pick out a college. I chose my dream school and he wasnt apart of it. he tried forcing me to go to his school but i said no. So we broke up and for once i was “happy”. But after weeks i realized i wasnt happy. I ended up dropping my college and choosing his. Again theres the controlling and he knew he could manipulate me into being with him. Again nothing sounds awful because nothing really is. I just became more obsessed with commiting suicide. It occupied my mind. I wanted it so badly when he would treat me wrong. i spent the summer with him and it was the best 2 months of my life. Then 2 weeks before we left for school he dumped me. He told me i was worthless and no one wantd me and it went on and on. At that point I wanted suicide. I wanted a way out. To numb the pain i started taking sleeping pills so i would forget everything. well of course we got back together. now after being so happy i wonder will it last. well tonight he went to a party hammered and i havent heard from him since. his last text was i love you. im afraid he cheated. and not only that but he and all of my newly made friends ditched me and i spent the whole night crying. again i know it isnt bad but when im at my lowest i want suicide. i want it rihght now. But then i realize that it isnt tht i want to die. its that i want people in similar situations to talk to. So anyone feel free if you want to talk. Id love it. Thank you for listening and again im sorry because my story isnt god awful.