So deaths a pretty terrifying thing for me to think about and yet it consumes my entire life. I basically can’t stop thinking about “offing myself” and have been thinking of suicide as an option since I was 14 now (23).
I can’t stand the people who say “it’ll get better” yeah sure, I might end up having a good day but, it never gets better, never. I sit here and think about my fabulous options – my choice of death candy. Butane is something I’ve been looking into and seems like a pretty awesome way to bury yourself in the dirt. You even get to hallucinate before biting the dust, what a cool painless way to die. Guns are painless too but they freak me out, always have and what a messy way to kill oneself and can you imagine the horrors for the person who found you? I just don’t think shooting your head off is a good final impression.
I try to stop myself from thinking so irrationally and it comes back to one thing: life sucks. People have become increasingly frustrated by my suicidal talk and think because I express my very creative ways of death, think I will not actually go through with my death.
Maybe I won’t, maybe I’m just being a stupid cry baby, maybe I’m just crazy or I should suck it up OR I should just do it already.. Right? Yeah. I’m just contemplating what is on the other side, I believe in God, would he still expect me in if I break a ten commandment and commit murder on myself?
Probably not. I don’t know.
I would enjoy heaven a lot more than this burning everyday hell I’m living in now. Why is life so damn pointless? And cruel so unbelievably cruel. Fuck do people not see I don’t want to get up or do anything or go anywhere, I’m depressed! And yet I still feel incredibly “used” because I have a vehicle and I’m apparently a taxi cab who doesn’t get paid, not even in gas, thanks a lot assholes, how do you expect me to but my butane? I want to die.
I have a huge reason to stay, something that grounds my suicidal thoughts and squashes them to almost nothing. But they return they always do. This “huge reason” is my daughter, she’s beautiful, intelligent and happy so happy. I try to hide this “pain” from her beautiful little face and yet last night I broke down and for the first time I saw the pain reflect back at me through her own big brown eyes and I knew I messed up, I showed her mommy wasn’t strong and that she too could feel this way, I don’t want her to. Here’s the kicker: she makes me want to live, for her, of course. And somehow that voice returns to tells me to just do it.. Kill yourself you worthless piece of garbage.
Well, speaking of garbage I need to take mine out. Night.
25 comments
The thought of heaven scares me. I’m not an atheist I just don’t believe in god, a non religion kinda thing. BUT (and that’s a big but ^.^ see what I did there lol) what I’d there is a heaven and my punishment for not believing is to spend eternity around over zealous religious nuts!!’ That scares the Jesus out of me (hahah see I did it again)
I’m 23. It bothers me when people say ‘it’ll get better’ also, because the reality is hard, really hard. I think it’s fair and all to say these words to a child or a teenager because you’ve got a world of opportunity at that age, whether you let it be or not. It’s different when you’re our age or an adult because options become a lot more limited and you haven’t got someone to hand life to you on a plate. I’m torn between ‘Struggle’ and ‘Suicide’, I have been for so long.. I mentioned yesterday that it’s been three years since I first found this website, things haven’t gotten better, just worse. You know the saying ‘The longer you leave something, the harder it gets’ that’s my life – the longer I’m alive, the harder it gets.
I don’t believe in God, nor any religion but I do like the thought that they may be a heaven. Although, I enjoy the thought of rebirth even more because I’ve absolutely love another chance at life. I’ve said before I love life, in general, but I hate my life through my eyes, mind, body, past, present and future.
I don’t want to ‘sit on the fence’ anymore about whether I want to struggle or die, and at the same time I know I don’t want to struggle either. Which leaves death, which is the most terrifying option. I just feel trapped because its all very real. I wish I could say it could get better, but in all honesty I just don’t want it to.. I would rather throw away this life than be the person I am with the life I have.
I used to believe that…. “it will get better”….what a load of crock shit….I think they should be honest and put an asterisk next to that statement with the disclaimer “no guarantees”…..
I used to believe that…. “it will get better”….what a load of crock shit….I think they should be honest and put an asterisk next to that statement with the disclaimer “no guarantees”…..
“I’m not an atheist I just don’t believe in god”
Uhh… someone doesn’t know what words mean.
@clevername
Maybe she is an agnostic.
@someothergirl
What does that voice in your head which says kill yourself sound like? Sometimes I also have an inner voice which says terrible things like that, and it has a voice same as my narcissistic mother’s. It’s awful.
I suppose one could “not believe” in someone or something in the sense that the person/thing might not be able to deliver or perform what it advertises that is can do. So one could arguably “know” god exists but simply not “believe” that he/she/it is not the all-powerful omnipotent, omnipresent being that it claims.
of course we cannot “know” as absolute fact whether a god or gods/deities exist … but there ain’t much evidence to suggest any do … there is simply much better hypotheses to explain most things in the world/universe that don’t require fantastic, supernatural fantasy beliefs that require a complete suspension of reality, natural order and common sense.
grounded dawg
Atheist literally means “lacking belief in any god.”
It’s impossible to not believe in god, without being atheist, due to the definition of the word Atheist.
Agnosticism is more about questioning the nature of knowledge itself. When applied to theology, Agnosticism literally means “we cannot know whether any god exists.”
If you do not know that god exists, and you do not believe that it does… then you are, by definition, atheist.
I’m getting tired of explaining this.
You do not have to profess to be completely certain that no god exists, in order to be atheist; you only have to lack /Belief/.
Lighten up francis 😛
Like i suggested – someone “could” “believe” that the god in existence cannot be believed in to perform as billed … Example:
I don’t believe in Clevername … but i’m not aClevername
but when i say i “don’t believe in” i could be referring to your athletic ability or your ability to build a rocketship
Granted … it IS exceptionally inartful and awkward to not be more specific to illustrate the subject in which i maintain my “disbelief” in your abilities … without doubt it creates confusion
But it’s not “impossible” … at least without clarification and context … additionally could one not still be a theist and believe in something “god-like” as in a deity of sorts that is not exactly considered a “god? In fact, often “God” is used as the specific name to one very specific deity and therefore one could not believe in “God” (the named deity), yet still be a theist by believing ion Zeus or Cthulhu etc.
To be honest – i’m just being a bit of a dick because i can 😛 generally i agree with your point and you know this … i just get a bit edgy when an absolute conclusion is reached without clarification
persnickety dawg
@cleavername- guessing that was directed towards me. Atheist should stand for “almost bad as the damn christians about pushing well rehearsed rhetoric down other people’s throats”
Yeah but no one is going around spreading “the gospel of clevername,” and insisting that i am the omnipotent miracle-making ultra-being, creator and knower of all things.
I’m just a human who writes stuff on this site, as far as any of you are concerned.
You can choose to turn a blind eye or mind to my words, and lack belief, despite the clear evidence right before your eyes… or you can accept what reality shows you, and define me as just another person using the internet to share words.
The point i was trying to make, is that “Atheist” does indeed have an established definition, and all it means is “lacking belief in god.” If people start using it to mean something ugly, which it doesn’t mean, and say contradictory things like “i’m not an atheist, but i don’t believe in god,” then the word begins to mean something it doesn’t actually mean, and then *I* have to start saying “i’m not an atheist, but i don’t believe in god,” because people who are ignorant or unaccepting of the meaning of the word, have altered its meaning, through fear and ignorance.
To refuse the word that defines the position, is to turn it into a “bad word.” But it’s not a bad word. It just has a set definition. And that definition is “lacking belief in god.” Anyone who lacks belief in god, is, by definition of the word, an atheist.
Religious Theists are the ones demonizing that word, acting like it means something ugly. This infuriates me to no end.
If a word has an established definition, we should use it to mean what it means, not alter our definition just because some irrational people want to give that word a bad connotation.
And then it goes further, with people claiming “agnosticism” without even knowing what it means. As if “atheist” is an ugly word, but “agnosticism” isn’t. Agnosticism doesn’t mean “i don’t believe in god, but don’t want to wear the ‘atheist label.'” It means “we don’t really know whether knowledge itself can even be known, and we probably cannot know whether any god exists, based on currently available evidence.”
To be “agnostic” means that you’re actually invalidating theological “belief” entirely, because you don’t see any way that such a thing can even be known.
If you don’t BELIEVE, then you are lacking belief, and therefore atheist… whether you are “certain” or not.
I am as certain as i can be, while still allowing my mind to consider New information, should any ever arise… but so far, none has. I’m atheist, even Anti-theist, because i believe theism is often quite detrimental to society, as well as the individuals whom comprise it. But i also think that knowledge can be reasonably known, and that, in this particular case, we CAN know that god does not exist. In this case, absence of evidence is indeed evidence of absence.
My issue with the comment was the language usage itself, and the fact that the statement lends itself toward unnecessary demonizing of a term which simply means “lacks the belief of any god.” I lack the belief. Anyone who lacks the belief is atheist. It is not an ugly word, except to those who do not lack the belief.
No, wednesday, “Atheist” already has a set definition. It means what it means. People like you, who want it to mean something bad, are the only reason it will ever have a negative connotation. You should learn what words mean before misusing them.
I’m guessing your an atheist cleavername, and I’m not going to lie I didn’t read everything you wrote, if I wanted to read the satanic bible I’d swing by and pick that ***** up. But I have no religion and its well rehearsed lines just like you used that make me half to say I’m not an atheist because the second I say I don’t believe in god bible thumpers like yourself feel inclined to jump in. BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS FUCKER.
lol… guessing? I just spelled it out for you. Why would you need to guess?
Your issue is not with my atheism, but with my intention of correcting your use of language. But i saw “what you did there,” when you tried to make it seem like this is about shoving theological rhetoric down someone’s throat. The point is your misuse of language, not whether you believe in a god. Believe whatever you want, but use the right words. At least if we’re all using the right words, we’ll be able to understand each other. But when people don’t understand their own language, and don’t even realize that they are blatantly contradicting themselves, it makes communication nearly impossible. What’s worse, is when people get all offended at being notified of their own need of corrections, and would rather “name-call,” in defense of something indefensible, instead of accepting their mistake. You know, kinda like all those “damn christians,” who love to pretend that “atheist” is a bad word for a bad person.
There are no “well-rehearsed lines” here.
I simply identified a linguistic error, in which you blatantly contradicted yourself. Instead of correcting your misuse of a word with an established meaning, you’re turning it into a religious argument.
You have an incorrect understanding of the definition of atheism. It simply means “lacking belief in any god.”
If you refuse to learn to use the language properly, then please stop using it. You’re confusing people.
Sure love dem double post that are so damn long. I’m not reading but maybe the first lines of the hate you spew so save your well rehearsed lines for someone else today. Peace out and God bless (see what I did there ^.^)
erm…clevername for the win?
This is hilarious. I stand accused of “spewing hate,” so i would like to be shown where this occurred.
Although i suppose that would require reading. And on that note: if you aren’t reading, then how did you ascertain the contents of my comments? Agnostics don’t usually leap to unfounded conclusions as such, so i don’t think you can claim agnosticism.
If i seem “well-rehearsed,” it’s only because i have 30+ years of English experience, and countless semantics debates under my belt. I’m actually an improvisationist. I don’t rehearse, i just show up and do my thing.
I hope your dissertation on language and grammar was for the benefit of the readership … otherwise i might think you were taking offense towards my responses … our discussions couldn’t be more clear that we’re by and large in agreement to the main subjects here and i’d like to think i’ve more than demonstrated my skill and understanding with the language, words and definitions.
That said – you are – of course – correct.
And you know, as stated fact, that i am atheist, and have complete understanding of what the word means and more importantly what it does not mean. And i share your disdain for those who would hang connotations to the word “atheist” beyond its intended, well established definition – so again we are in agreement
And yes – without doubt, the religious population has gone out of their way to create a negative aura around the word … something i once accepted as fact many many years ago – because who could believe the good christian pastors would lie about such things when they have the all-powerful mighty Gawd on their side … i mean, ain’t that enough firepower? how could mere mortals add to that?!? … and why would god NEED that type of pathetic mortal “support”? (in and of itself a good argument against the existence of a god)
I agree again, that it would be nice if all people would understand and know what words mean before throwing them about. But not everyone has the benefit of being exposed to the actual meanings when surrounded by those who don’t want them to know the true meanings … their ignorance, no matter how often we experience it, should not be outright and initially belittled – i share your frustration but not everyone has been exposed to the clear picture. this is where we need to step up and be fair to recognize that not everyone has the experience, education and knowledge to “know” better … which was basically my original point
don’t get me wrong – your quip was apt and funny – i’m just not sure that in it’s originally context it was warranted without first ascertaining if the writer didn’t perhaps have a different meaning and understanding in mind when they wrote that sentence. once the usage is clarified – then it can be addressed as needed.
@Wednesday – the word “atheist” can only mean what it means … atheism is simply the absence of belief that any deities exist.
It is not a “religion” or any other type of social guide or structure to be “pushed” … we don’t push anything anywhere – that’s the MO of the religious which require you to “buy in” to fantastic fantasies for it to exist and for them to control you … if anything a\theism is a freedom from the yoke of that life of slavery and control … but you are free to keep your eyes tightly closed and not see truth and reality
dawg
Wow – evidently i type WAY too slow … now atheists are “satanist”?!?!? dafuq? and why would they need another word for it if satanist is already a word? … FYI – atheists don’t believe in satan (a deity of sorts) either.
godless dawg
And for the record – there has bee no “hate spewed” by anyone here … only clarifications in language, words and definitions … but by choosing not to read you embrace ignorance willfully … please reconsider, there is a lot of good non-religious information here.
peace dawg
@dawg (because your nice and understanding, im done arguing with jackass) i was just trying to have a conversation with someothergirl when jackass decided to thump there bible and spew hate. and yeah i dont know all the correct terms because i simply dont believe in religion, so learning all the names and lines dont really matter to me.
but you are one of the cool ones dawg, well thought out too
peace man.
@Wednes day – thanks, and fair enough – but please take my word that although Clevername may have been somewhat impatient and seemingly rigid and unaccepting, he is NOT religious or a bible thumper in any way … nor is he “spewing hate” … he’s just annoyed and frustrated … it was my specific point that not everyone knows or cares the nuances of religion and belifs and therefore shouldn’t be “called out” for small indiscretions … but please go forward knowing that clevername and atheists (like myself) in general have a lot more in common with your stated belief than anything else … and atheist hold the same disbelief in satan that they do in god.
negotiator dawg
@dawg- there you go again being cool as fuck!!! you and The Duke, yall are very insightful. and yes the atheist do share common beliefs as myself, though im most sure cleavername could have not been so aggressive and confrontational with telling me so.
but on the real fill i got to roll and blow, keep that big D heated
peace negotiator dawg, like live prosperous and bong long
lol…
@Wednesday:
I’ll take “jackass” over “dumbass” any day.
I don’t have a bible. I haven’t spewed hate.
As indicated by this very exchange: my point is that linguistic precision is crucial.
“i dont know all the correct terms because i simply dont believe in religion…”
I guarantee, and can /prove/, that religion does indeed exist. But i don’t even have to prove it. Religion exists. Look around. The motivation for your chosen ignorance, is a false disbelief. I don’t agree with or support religion, but i have no choice but to accept that religion does exist.
“…so learning all the names and lines dont really matter to me.”
You are lazy and ignorant, and also incorrect, and even use your own insistence upon an obvious incorrectness, to justify your refusal to learn.
If anyone is being hateful, it is you, Wednesday.
It’s not that you lack the opportunity to learn, but that you have already decided to refuse to learn differently. That makes it your fault.
I don’t hate you, i’m just annoyed… but also somewhat bemused. It’s certainly not the first time i’ve seen someone react in such ways.
Perhaps someday you will embrace the desire to understand your own world, as well as the linguistic precision required to communicate so much of it.