Sooo time for my story. I cant really tell the reason why I am writing this but thats kind of in our nature since we are all here because we dont see the point of anything anymore right? Can anyone tell me who invented this emotional terror game called life? I want to cut out my brain. I want to take the biggest knife in the house and just carve it out of my skull. And when Im finished with it, I want to grab it and shout with it. Squeeze it and hit it and tear it apart. Just to make a revenge. Just to give back all the hurt it gave me. the perfect vendetta. I dont feel like hurting people who have hurted me. i feel like hurting myself. First, for letting them do it. But the major part of my guilt is not knowing why terrible things happen to me continuously. For not being aware of the fact that even if good things happen to me, those all gonna collapse after a while, and take everyhing else with them. And than it starts all over again. My stupid brain gives me hope. Why is that. Seriously. Why is that even logical. Weaks should die. I should die too. That is the nature of life. Death is not such a serious issue. the only certainty yet when it comes to yourself, the only insecurity. How funny is that. I wish i had done something bad. I wish i was a murderer, a raper, a bad mother… But I am none of those. I am just a sick young girl who feels like being cursed. End result? It is really hard to let myself go. My brain knows I deserve to live, so it doesnt let me. Only thing it doesnt realise is the little demon inside me who keeps seducing me. Seducing me to sleep. Forever. To be calm and sweet like a newborn. Forever. But I wont give up on tricking my mind. That is the only thing I really deserve. Being able to do it. And i havent even told my story yet. Haha I just sailed away with this thought.. But does my story really matter? The details? Disappointment, guilt, tragedy? Yes, my friends, those all happened. In a nutshell, i dont have anyone. Not a single person. Still, i am forced to be around people I hate, I am sick of. I dont even feel like it would help if it changed. No it would not. It could have, years ago. months ago. who knows. All I know is I am sick. Mentally sick. I am like a cancer patient in the las stadium, only difference is that my soul is dying and no one feels sorry for me or tries to make my last days bearable. Self pity strikes again ! I cant help it I just feel sorry for myself, I am such an empathic person. I am ridiculous. Alright, I guess that is more than enough for you worked souls. I know this was not a typical text on this page, I do not even know what that was, but I am not going to rewrite anything since it would be pretentious. And if I was manipulative I wouldnt be in such a bad place now, right ? Somebody might enjoys this little brainstorming of mine in a way that at least reading it distracts them for a few minutes. Thanks for reading, goodbye.
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6 comments
“…but I am not going to rewrite anything since it would be pretentious.”
Who cares? Be pretentious if you want. So what if someone judges you. It’s not like you have to care what random strangers think.
“…since we are all here because we dont see the point of anything anymore right?”
Not quite. I’m here because i lack access to the solutions i can perceive and devise.
I can see how to fix enough to make myself not miserable… i just can’t actualize or implement my solutions.
The “meaning” is in the utilization of the chance to experience… but that meaning loses value when you can’t access the resources required to exploit it.
@thinkthink
Seems to me you live in a very toxic, unhealthy environment or home that is causing you to feel self-hatred and the desire to commit suicide.
Unfortunately we live in a bad world, where justice, compassion, equality, care, etc are not very common.
What I’ve learned in life is that you have to fight/argue and stand up for yourself because no one else will. You sound like a lovely person to me…but I think you’re living in a hell-hole of a situation.
As the psychologist Sartre once said ‘hell is other people.’ My suggestion would be to try to get our of your situation any way you can. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy and only you can make that happen.
I recall when I was in my worst state in life, I reminded myself of those things and what I wanted. I had no job and was living in a terrible apartment with a family member who was working but had bad health so we were just barely surviving.
We had very serious issues with our neighbors and landlord, but every day I struggled to find a decent job and eventually I did. Once that happened we moved out into a much better place and live got a million times better ever since.
So just realize that you can also change your situation. Just work towards that goal and bit by bit you will get there. I’ve seen some losers at work find better jobs than I have…I’m far smarter and educated but they were just diligent and seized an opportunity. I will do the same-in my next jump to make my life better than it is now.
Never feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself you have every right to do that. You are not what other people tell you that you are…only you get to decide that. Remember some people are scum and you are better than them. So don’t let any piece of shit lowlife put you down. Something I learned early on and no on fucks with me. I hope you grasp that strength in yourself also. Kind Regards.
I don’t see “self loathing” here. I see a desperation and possible nervous breakdown, due to perpetual stifling and frustration.
“Just work towards that goal and bit by bit you will get there.”
While it can help to believe such a thing, that is not a certainty. Expenditure of effort does not necessarily equate to achievement of desired result. There are many other important factors aside from sheer force of will, determination and persistence. It’s possible to persist against the impossible until you have nothing left to give, and still not succeed. It’s also wise to be able to identify when that is actually the truth, so that one can attempt to adapt and adjust their strategies to be effective, rather than grinding themselves to nothing in false belief that the impossible can be achieved.
Sometimes it’s quite difficult to figure out something you want badly enough to be perpetually motivated to figure out how to achieve it. Sometimes the obstacles are just too costly, and avoiding them ends up having a higher value than conquering them. If conquering the obstacles is impossible, then that tends to have a paradoxical dual value of both zero and infinity. Zero because it doesn’t exist, infinity because if it did, it would be worth every bit of you that you can summon, in order to beat it.
@ clevername
I think you get lost in your own intellectual hubris and you forget to actually make a point.
that happens sometimes, but it’s usually because i’m trying to make delicate distinctions, but the requirement for precision is high enough that i can’t quite deliver what i mean to say, in a way that can be interpreted as i intend.
Usually it’s not my failure to make a point, but an audiences predetermination to refuse to accept any point that contradicts what they prefer to think.
I did make a point there. The point is that claiming “just try and you will succeed” is not really true… even though believing you can succeed is still an important factor.
I also don’t think “hubris” is the correct term to describe any part of my personality or character, unless i happen to be trolling, in which case it would be pseudo-hubris, meant for the purpose of cynical humor.
Normally, i’m as transparent as i can be, and intentionally avoid trying to make myself look like i’m better than i actually am. I don’t like to create false hope or misrepresent myself, partly due to the fact that i hate being disappointed for any reason, and hate causing anyone else to feel disappointed, especially in their expectations of me. And that leads to part of the reason i pay so close attention to what expectations others may be forming about me. I don’t want anyone to expect more than i can deliver. If anything, i would always opt for being underestimated.
“major part of my guilt is not knowing why terrible things happen to me continuously”…that’s indeed the most pissing thing. there are people who know what’s their problem or why they suffer or what they want. they can either do something about it or not, but atleast they are assured, they have a base to stand on. those who don’t know creates a myriad of things out of imagination through their seeking and hoping.