WARNING: This is a rant and even though most of this may not make sense, I just need to get this out.
Have you every had anyone tell you how popular you are and for those few seconds, you actually believe. I’m cheerleader, I don’t have any enemies (as far as I know), I have a 4.0 GPA, and I have a lot of friends. What could I possible hate about my life?
I remember how when I was little, I could go to my mom and tell her anything. All my troubles and my worries but now, I’m holding back. I know I can’t tell her everything as before. I’m afraid and all i want her to do is hold and and stroke my hair but I retreat back into my room each day- alone.
I sit at home alone, watching my phone. It’s silent and I laugh to myself. Where are all my friends now? And even though I go to school, happy and dumb as can be, its a mask. Have I told you I’m in theater? I’m a good actor.
Another thing, I don’t know where I belong. I feel as if I have 100 pennies and I would much rather have 4 quarters. I have friends in all of my classes but they aren’t all true-true friends. Even though we have our moments where we all get really close, it never last and i’m standing there again, alone as ever.
In the past week, 3 people have asked me if I’m sad and I look at them shocked. “No. Why do you ask?” and they reply with “You just sound sad” or “You looked sad” I wonder if my mask is breaking.
As I said, I don’t have any enemies but that doesn’t mean I don’t get bullied. I know this may sound weird but my friends bully me. And they don’t mean too but it’s just how i take it. The little things here and there really hit me and I take them to heart. The teasing too. I know they’re joking but I take it seriously.
I don’t feel like this all the time. Most of the time I’m really happy and bubbly but when I give myself time to think. My thoughts come pouring down and I feel like i’m going into a state of depression. I don’t tell people this though. I feel as if I’m just saying this for attention and i really don’t know if I am. I tend to over exaggerate a lot. And I know that a lot of people have it much worse than me, I do. But to me, this is my horrible life. I know a lot of you may be reading this and thinking, what a spoiled brat and I probably am. Scratch that, I AM. But how can i imagine something more horrible if I never experienced it before.
It’s not as if I want to commit suicide because I don’t. It’s just at times (like now), I feel as if I have no one to protect me. No one who really cares. It’s a scary feeling and I don’t like it. And in the end, I’m just left feeling alone as ever.
5 comments
I hope you can find a true friend, you may be “spoiled” but even people who “have it all” can be lonely. All the fake friends never stay and I understand that. I’m not going to bash you like some people might and if they do just ignore them. Smile pretty, stand up straight, and know that someday that best friend will come along, because they will, when you least expect them. It’s hard when you don’t have someone you can confide in 100% of the time, I don’t have anyone like that either, we both lead very different lives, but I still understand where your coming from.
keep you eyes open for someone who seems sincere and trustworthy. if they say something mean or do anything hurtful, they are NOT a good candidate. to have good friends, you must be willing to open up and share how you are feeeling. but dont choose wrongly cause they will just hurt you and make things worse. i think this is most difficult in high school where everyone is trying to figure out who they are. it sounds like there are some people around you who care and want to be your friend, probably close friends if you woudl let them. sounds like you have this standard to live up to. no one is perfect. but thats what makes us unique and that in and of itself makes us perfect. everyone feels sad and alone, buttdhats why theres millions of us here to keep you company. pick a few apples offtxhat tree and let them in. but be careful, be wise! we all get hurt by people, thats life, but if you use your judegments wisely, you cna avoid it as much as possible. look for someone who looks like they coild be a good best friend, then let them in. preferably someone like you so you can share common interests for the rest of your life. and quit putting on the act, when they ask if your sad, dont lie, say yes, when they ask why, tell them. thats all your choice though, that could backfire or it could work, you be the judge. good luck!
Sounds as though you have it all but are unable to recognise it. I am struggling to understand how you even found yourself on this website. A few issues with friends is nothing and if they are bullying you then they are not your friends are they?
I know that I’m lucky. I have a lot and I still want more. Selfish i know. I actually found this website when I was looking for this thing called the suicide project (where you mark a colon on your wrist to help stop suicides). I thought this was a really cool website because it gives people a place to hide and talk about their lives. Plus, I can help others daily by just giving them advice. Even if I have never met them. And sure, a little comment may slip out of my friends mouth about how I can be so selfish. Even though I know its true, it hurts. I’m really self-concious about how people feel about me. I always feel as if I’m annoying and unwanted and thats why I’m shy.
I know that I’m lucky. I have a lot and I still want more. Selfish i know. I actually found this website when I was looking for this thing called the suicide project (where you mark a colon on your wrist to help stop suicides). I thought this was a really cool website because it gives people a place to hide and talk about their lives. Plus, I can help others daily by just giving them advice. Even if I have never met them. And sure, a little comment may slip out of my friends mouth about how I can be so selfish. Even though I know its true, it hurts. I’m really self-concious about how people feel about me. I always feel as if I’m annoying and unwanted and thats why I’m shy.