I lie in my bed today, scrolling through the writings of other suicidal people… Relating to almost every expression of despair and desperation. I’m literally squirming, as if I think I might be able to wriggle out of my own skin!
MY STORY…
After separating from a long term partner at 30, I had achieved enough that I felt proud of myself and only hoped to find a wonderful partner to start a family with. Fortunately my physical appearance made getting lots of dates easy… But unfortunately my low self worth, flimsy boundaries, niceness, generosity, kindness, etc made selecting a good healthy partner unlikely (I was yet to learn this).
So the story goes… I met my prince charming. I was in love. I had found my perfect match. Aghhh… We lived happily together until I began realising that something was very wrong. My prince charming was a sociopathic monster. I found he had numerous profiles pretending to be a child and was using my computers as a means for file sharing. I can only assume it was child pornography, but it was too advanced for me to do anything about it… As soon as I found, files were deleted before my very eyes. The police seemed to believe me, but it truly is a case of “innocent until proven guilty” and my word is completely meaningless when privacy laws prevent investigation without so called hard evidence.
To make matters worse, I was so traumatised and desperate for help and tried reaching out to family and friends who didn’t believe me and completely abandoned me. I was destitute and needing a safe place to sleep and some nurture. I managed to keep safe, but was further exploited and abused in the process. This happened over a year ago. I continued working because my employers were basically the only people who believed me, valued me and didn’t want me to leave. However, the stress, pressure, loneliness, heartbreak, grieving for every relationship and sense of belonging I had ever known, became too much and a month ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. I can’t work now… it takes all of my energy to ensure that I eat, take vitamins and shower each day. I then try to add one extra accomplishment (more in the days I feel able)… I call this “one foot in front of the other”. I figure that I can lie in my bed for the next 100 days, so I best make the 100 little things I accomplish, things that are a step in the right direction.
MY CONUNDRUM…
So, every day remains a challenge for me. I know that I have 3 choices, as does every person alive;
1. End my life
2. Live in Misery
3. Live with Contentment
Well #3 is the obvious choice!!!!!!!! So my question right now is:
***** HOW CAN I HELP MYSELF ACHIEVE OPTION 3? *****
Beyond the thoughts of ‘nobody will help me’, ‘I have nothing I want more than everything to be forever over’ and reliving horrible events in my mind… What can I truly do to get beyond this excruciating situation???????
5 comments
I tell everybody that the best thing to do is go to church and pray… Not because its the right thing to do but because it makes me feel so much better when I’m depressed and just want to end life I pray and I go to church and I used to be the girl who thought church was boring and that there was no point but go…
I hope you find contentment, but I’m not sure church is the way to do it.
step one: survive at any cost.
step two: eliminate unnecessary requirements/pursuits/expenditures.
step three: choose your side. And i don’t mean “pick which side in some abstract paradigm,” i mean: choose to be on your side of everything. Your side: Choose it.
When i first read through your post, the thought occurred to me that it’s like traveling along a road, and suddenly the vehicle is out of control, and goes careening into the adjacent thorny brush. It’s going to take at least as much pain to get out of that position and back on the road, as it took to get there. You can’t exactly go back the way you came, but you know which direction to go to find the road. You’ll have to go through at least the same amount of “brush,” to get back to the road, and it will probably be very difficult and painful… but the road is right over there, and getting back to it is the only way to achieve smooth travel. If you don’t get back to the road ASAP, you’ll be stuck driving in brush (#2).
Maybe you just need to leave the “car” where it’s stuck, for now, and walk back to stand by the road until you can flag someone down, and get them to call you a tow truck.
Oh, and that “lie in bed for 100 days” thing…
Decide where you want to be, what you need to accomplish by the end of that 100 days, and divide it into 100 parts. Do 1% each day. When you feel capable, do 1+n%, where ‘n’ is whatever extra you can do. Be patient but don’t give up, and don’t expect more from yourself than you can actually do.
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post. I liked your analogy … it makes me feel understood. It did make me think about “choosing my side”. This is difficult because I’ve come to understand that I have attachment issues. I was kicked out of home at 15 (my mother has NPD), though much to everyone’s surprise I worked hard and climbed the executive ladder. Prior to this latest horrible incident, I had managed to thrive, against all odds. However, the narcissistic wound had remained from childhood (hence my boundaries and self worth were shattered) and a sociopath spotted it and destroyed everything I had built for 20 years. I’m almost 35 now. I can’t trust men, I can’t bring myself to have a child outside of a loving relationship either.
I feel as though, I’ve made it back to the road, but I don’t know how to drive anymore.
Nonetheless, I’m going to borrow the “choose me” method!! Thank you 😉