My eyes are burning and heavy…..I’ve been crying. I feel like I’m out of options. Much like candy crush when you run out of lives ….yet I don’t even have the time to wait for new lives to be replenished. ..yet I don’t play candy crush and my life isn’t a game. I’ve been silently struggling with depression for close to a decade…..some years better than others. Four years ago as a college freshman the thoughts hit hard….lost my one true love….was struggling with my choices in school…..was struggling with my home life. Now to present day I’m over the loss of love but very sad love has not returned to me since 2009 …I feel so lonely…I have one best friend and a family that doesn’t understand or want to be bothered with me….and that was since childhood. My mother thinks I shouldn’t be depressed because I finished college and I’m pretty n I’m not being abused. But really looks have nothing to do with it…neither do abuse. Sometimes in her haste to change my thoughts she comes across ignorant or judgmental which deters me from talking to her. I have one best friend but I don’t want to swamp her with my problems. I feel like I hate my father and hes the reason my life is not as great as my mother tried to make it be. He caused a lot of stress pain and bitterness. And in a month when I’m homeless because my mother can’t afford high rent on her own I’ll have nothing. Making me feel even more worthless and useless than ever before. I hate myself because I should have tried harder….hustled harder when I was in college this way I’d have money now. But I didn’t….n I didn’t even graduate with a high GPA ….i hate myself because im fat…overweight and struggle so hard to get the weight off. When i get some off it comes right back. Makes me feel even worse about myself. I feel like I have no purpose no use no sense of self. I want it to end. I didn’t intend for this to be so long but it is.
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3 comments
Life’s a *****.. Lol. It’s a joke, isn’t it? Everything can be perfect on the outside, and on the inside there’s no contentment or satisfaction. Anyway, I can relate with your situation. Doesn’t make it any better for either of us. It is what it is. :/
Similar situation for me, I was fit and at one point very well built but now I’m fat because I was so damn focused on school/career I couldn’t take care of my body.
Getting girls used to be easy for me and now I barely get any attention. Fortunately because I’ve been through the workout ‘game’, I know I can get back in shape but I also know it’s going to be very hard and painful…now with winter coming, there’s even less of an incentive to get out there and get in shape.
I think I’m going to have to set up a home gym but I really dont have any space for equipment in my apartment. So I’ll have to get to the gym or stay fat. This really bites…and women are more superficial than they used to be.
Anyways, you’re not alone…maybe you guys can find a cheaper apartment to live in or just take any odd job, like work at a restaurant or in retail to help pay bills.
Hun, at least you finished college. That’s more than I managed, so it’s something to be proud of.
Keep exercising, maybe visit a nutritionist – they can help you with which diet to follow.
Have you tried talking to a counselor? They might be able to help you get negative thoughts under control. You’re really worth much more than you think, trust me.