I’ve been taking medication for my depression since February and things got better for a while. a lot better. I was doing stuff that was previously fucking impossible, like talking to strangers and working and going out to concerts.
but just like I feared, I started to relapse in the last couple of weeks, and now I wish I was dead.
I recently got a job at a daycare; it pays better and has better hours than my last job but I fucking hate it. my co-workers constantly talk down to me and are rude to me. maybe I really am stupid and that’s why people constantly treat me like I’m a retard.
I’ve been taking piano lessons for a year now. I fell in love with my piano teacher. but he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m to the point where I’m ready to quit piano and quit going to his concerts and quit hanging out with him because it hurts so goddamn much. but he’s also one of the only friends I have, which is why I’ve kept hanging on as long as I have.
also I’m stuck in a marriage that makes me unhappy for many reasons, and I don’t have a way out.
I’m tired of being lonely all the time. I’m tired of trying to make friends and form meaningful relationships because it never works no matter what I do. I’m tired of reaching out to people. I send people nice messages and I try to be encouraging and positive. but people never even bother to do the same for me. sometimes I want to kill myself out of spite, so that people will finally remember that I exist, only it’ll be too late for them to do anything about it.
if I had a gun I’d be dead by now.
2 comments
do what it takes for you to be happy and grow. listen to your heart and be honest with people. take a vow of truthfulness and things play out as they will
The most important relationship you will have in this life is one with yourself. You have value. You have not yet understood or discovered what that value is.
Perhaps a different anti-depressant will help. Being in a lonely marriage is worse than being alone. If you don’t have children, perhaps think on that situation and seek counseling on whether to continue. If your coworders are cruel, I hope you can find another job. Only insecure people look down on another.
You have talents and perhaps have not discovered them.
As to your piano teacher… You are a married woman. He has no right to respond to you in other than a professional way. I would say perhaps the piano is more important than your teacher, as a way to find value in life.
Being your own person is the greatest gift you will ever find in life. May you find that person and realize how special she is.
Love,
Vedura