I feel so ill

Hi I feel so ill I keep on thinking of ways to kill myself, I struggle to trust people including my family so I never talk to them about my feelings, in fact the only person I trust is my dog Poppy, she helped me through the hardest time of my life and if it wasn’t for her then I would have probably gone through with committing suicide a very long time ago, but I was about 12 years old when my older brother was tormenting me and we were arguing, just like any other brother and sister, my brother ended up punching me in my arm which hurt at the time and hurt so much it sent me in my room crying. Then the next thing I know I hear footsteps going downstairs and then 2 coming back up and in barges my uncle and starts swearing at me and shouting, I told him to shut up and get away from me, but he still carried on so again I said shut up, get away from me and leave me alone. Then it was at that moment he put his one hand around my neck and squeezed tight, then started saying things in my ear, I can’t remember what he was saying to well as every time I breathed out he would squeeze even harder until the point where I was really struggling to breathe and the only way for me to get him off me was to try and scram or pinch him, by doing this he did eventually leave go but before I knew it he grabbed my neck again but this time he just picked up by my neck and threw me on the floor like a piece of rubbish, then he went back downstairs. As he was going downstairs I shouted I’m going to phone childline then after a while I went into my parents room to phone my mum to tell her what just happened, still distraught crying and still trying to get my breathe back she answers the phone then I try to tell her the best I can but she couldn’t really understand so she said she was coming home to sort it out. So I stayed in my room thinking she would come up to me as I was too afraid to go downstairs. Then time had passed and all of a sudden I heard my mum call me, I didn’t even hear her come in, but I went downstairs slowly to find both my nan and my uncle sat in the room with my mum and my mum said did you phone childline I said no and then she said did you say you were going to phone childline I said yes then I got told off and sent to my room and that was it. The next day I went to school as normal but when I went into a lesson one lesson, there was a male teacher, I didn’t really think much of it but carried on none the less, then to my surprise when the teacher went to give me a text book I got really scared a cowered. Still I carried on until the bell rang and it was break. I couldn’t help but think thanks to my uncle I’m now afraid of men, then I thought who do I tell I can’t tell my dad because he’s a man I can’t tell my mum because she will just tell me off again and tell me that I’m being stupid, I couldn’t tell any of my friends because I didn’t really trust any of them. So I told nobody until about a year or two later I had Poppy, I told her everything she was like the friend I always wanted, there were times where I just came home from school sat with her in her bed and cried, I spent every spare second I had with her, and she got me through. But now I’ve left school and done few courses and finally got a job which I thought was perfect but it was all short lived. I’m now 21 and jobless once again and although I’m working on starting my own business I cant help but think what if it doesn’t work. What will happen to me what will I do especially as my family or friends don’t think it’ll work and I want to prove them wrong so bad but I feel I shouldn’t have to prove anything to my family or my friends. I always thought these were the people to have your back when to needed support. But it appears I don’t once again. And now although I still have Poppy and our bond is strong and pure, I feel I need something more just someone to say I can do it and give me that little push. I’m now at the point where I’ve had enough of proving things to people and putting everything I have into it but getting nowhere, my family easily forget about me especially when I ask them to do me a small favour they either forget or make some lame excuse but when the tables are turned and I get asked I favour I have to do it otherwise I’m lazy or selfish. All of this hurts and it hurts more when I hear everyone else getting praised and doing what they want and I can’t do any of it and I don’t understand why. And if all that wasn’t enough I feel bad everyday because I don’t take poppy out although she is perfectly happy but I really want to do it but I just can’t find the energy.