ive never overthought something this much

im sick of all this pain. the kind of pain where you just dont care anymore, the kind of pain where anything anyone says offends you. the kind of pain where you know, deep in your heart, that the reason you dont have anything to live for is your own fault. where you know you could do better but dont care enough to try; like doing the things you love? you dont do them anymore. why? because you arent the same person you were before this. before this, you were happy. nothing could break you; and nothing anyone said ever phased you. but it happened. it happened so quickly, & so abruptly that you dont know what to do with yourself. because why cut yourself? sure the scars heal, but the problems arent gone are they? why take all those pills? why drown yourself in alcohol? its not going to help. its going to make things worse. im at a point in my life where i honestly believe that if i died tonight, tomorrow, or yesterday no one would give two shits. because why? because im not a very nice person. but when you’re in a school where all everyone does is talk smack about eachother, its hard to be nice. its hard to be accepted & its hard to maintain the same personality. i didnt change, but your thoughts on me did.