Interesting … for the last couple weeks … and probably for the next couple weeks i stand with my toes hanging over the edge of oblivion. And there is an aspect of stress … but it’s like once removed … “out there” … beyond grasp. Like stepping into a clearing with a roaring camp fire in the middle … you feel slight breezes of the slightest rise in warmth … it’s not remotely enough to thaw your frigid bones but it’s “just there”. Safety and warmth within reach on one side, certain death and freezing cold on the other … it’s just a matter of time which direction i will be forced to step. The forces that dictate my next steps are largely out of my hands … again. but the outlines of the potential conclusions are outlined with relative clarity in both directions.
But i’m calm… lucid and aware. over the last weekend, as i took that deep breath of surprise at abruptly arriving at the precipice, Â a stiff headwind blew in my face to help keep me from toppling over the edge. Fortuitous – without it i may not have lost balance and fell over … at least not right away … but the edge is cracked and eroding and under the weight of my feet, the ground would have crumbled beneath my feet in short order sending me to anonymity
But as the week moves forward, the ground beneath me softens and crumbles … it’s a balancing act. And as time continues to move, the headwind that saved me initially is shifting to a tail wind to topple me … and it’s getting stronger, stiffer by the minute. It unnerves me when my heart starts to race – it feels like losing all control despite my best efforts. I think most of us fear the unknown … total uncertainty.
This post was going to be a more inspirational post … keep your wits, focus on only what truly matters – like food, shelter, water etc. … if you’ve got the base necessities you can use those as a launching pad to anywhere you want to go … but as much as i try to maintain that position and outlook, the world conspires against me … and it threatens even my base necessities. To not have those is to not have much of any life at all. And believe me, i barely have anything that resembles a life. But i try to plod ahead from my base camp of necessities … now even my base camp is under siege …
… and i don’t think there is a cavalry anywhere in sight … not this time
live without a net dawg
3 comments
Dawg…. you are one of the most intelligent people who I have ever seen on this site…… I hate the fact that so many people with superior intellect arrive at this state….I hope something falls in your favor…the world could use and needs good people like you…..
Hi Dawg, we haven’t talked much but I read your comments and I think you’re a really cool guy. I hope you can hang in there somehow, and that your situation will improve. Wishing you the best.
I had to crawl back a few pages to find this, and upon reading it, i can relate. I’ve been feeling almost exactly this way, for a while… except without any surprisingly abrupt arrival. The wind has been at my back for a long time, as i lean into it, in hopes of stifling its push, so that i may maintain some semblance of control, and maximize my time to prepare for reaching that precipice… and potentially averting an unwanted end to an unwanted and ill-actualized life.
Imagine slowly and involuntarily sliding down a hill on your feet. All you can do is lean back, delay, decelerate, and try to look for something to stop your descent. Now imagine it’s not a hill, but flat ground, and the wind at your back has you leaning backwards in protest, as it still incrementally pushes you toward the edge.
I can see it coming. I’ve seen it for a long time. The only way i can stop the wind from pushing me off the edge… is to lie down until it stops.
Meanwhile, i look around and see that most people are so busy being caught up in BS of both their own construction, as well as that which is involuntarily imposed upon and ingrained into them. It fills me with an ineffable sense of helplessness, despair, inevitable loss… that i cannot even help myself enough to help them. I know they won’t help themselves. They don’t understand. Many or most of them, have already decided not to understand, but to instead embrace their compulsory perpetuation of that which enslaves and impedes and inhibits and eventually slays us all.
It sucks.
I see all these people who are obviously only interested in living for what i cannot avail… and yet, they seem to look at me with contempt for my lack of interest in living without what most people would refuse to live without; as if they were any better; i know, KNOW, they are not. They are no better. I’ve seen so many of them come completely unglued at the slightest stupid things… while they act like i’m supposed to be happy about what they, themselves, would NEVER be able to tolerate. I can’t successfully tolerate it… it’s not acceptable, and i’m not happy or comfortable; but i realize i’m quite capable of far more tolerance than the amount i am inclined to exercise. I just don’t want to tolerate this anymore. There are no meaningful gains from laying on the ground to avoid being pushed over the precipice, out of a life i never wanted, into an ending of the same.
It’s like… all i can really do is wait to die… and there really isn’t anything i want, which will be available to me, in the meantime. And so i can’t seem to reconcile pursuit of survival, when all survival gets me is more nothing, more waiting, more suffering, and no actual gains. Most people have no idea what it’s like to have nothing left but to wait to die. I’m so tired of waiting, knowing there’s nothing to wait for.
So maybe i should give it one last “all-in,” and heave myself into my destiny.
Maybe, for once in my life, i will be wrong about what i expect to occur. And if i’m not, maybe i’ll feel good that i was able to “leave it all on the field,” and burn out the last of my fuel on trying to turn the tide of the game of my life. But first, i’d have to reconnect with that sheer force of will, that infinite drive, which used to just automatically emanate from every particle of my being. I don’t know how to manufacture that anymore.