I am so goddamn fucking tired of people telling me that my mood bugs them…like it doesn’t bug me…I have tried everything to not be depressed but nothing works…someone tells me I screw up so I apologize and say I feel bad for screwing up and how I always find a way to do it and then they have the balls to tell me that my down in the dumps attitude bothers them…WELL SO FUCKING WHAT…I don’t want to feel like this, but I do…I go to therapy, I am on 9 different meds and and I have workbooks to try and work thru my issues but nothing has helped…they just don’t understand…I get lectured on how I should deal with things, and how they would do something, but if they were in my shoes for 1 fucking day they’d feel just as miserable, worthless and incompetent as I do…I am tired of people who have no goddamn fucking idea how it feels to be depressed and suicidal, telling me how I should run my life…how I should react to things, and that it irritates them…do they not see how much it irritates ME? Nope, bc since they don’t feel that way, then no one else should too…I am getting to the end of my rope, with people, with my environment and more than anything, ME. I got a knife out today and held it to my wrist for an hr today…just wanting to push it down a little harder…just a little bit more…but I kept looking down and nothing was happening…my arm was blood free…and that depressed me…this is it…no more…I will not talk, I will not open up and I will not tell anyone how I feel…my wall, my shell, has been raised with no end in site of it coming down…if I keep it up, then I might get so frustrated and blow up…then I might finally try again and maybe, just maybe my pain will stop…and maybe, just maybe it’ll stop me from being even more of a screw up…I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!!
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Hi ZG, cutting your wrists won’t work and it’ll just disfigure your arms and you’ll feel worse off. What happened to seeing that guy you were in love with?
As for people giving advice, I know I’ve been there. It’s made me really angry when I’ve been down or upset about something and people try to ‘help’. But they don’t understand and can’t. I usually get over my depressive feelings on my own-thinking about when life was better and what I can do to change my current state so I can be happy again.
Presently I am very neutral and ambivalent, I guess for me that’s a better place to be than to be hating myself and my life. My expectations in life have always been extremely high, I had huge goals and still do. That’s part of what makes me upset, not being able to achieve them.
I’m not trying to be funny here, but I think Yoda’s advice is relevant: ‘Do or do not, there is no try.’
The guy I am in love with seems to have gone MIA…I am so upset about that as well…things were going great and then poof, no contact…haven’t heard from him in over a week…I’ve emaled and called but nothing works…idk what’s going on…I feel like a useless failure…all I want is to find someone to talk to at night when I get sad, and someone who thinks I matter…I never thought it was too much to ask, but I guess so…I try to be a good person, I try and do the things I think r right, but I’m always wrong…then I get told that “my mood” pisses people off…if I cut deep enough it’ll do more than disfigure me…I might finally just die. I just want to die.
If that guy has gone MIA then it is for the better. I know you don’t know me zebragirl but killing yourself will not take your pain away. I’m guessing by the 1984 that we are fairly close in age. Do you have friends/relatives in your life? Are there people other than therapists you can talk to? If you feel like your therapist is helping or just continues to give you meds you can always change. Just like there are bad people in this world there are bad therapists. I’m telling you as a victim of suicide, it is not worth it. I new to this site so bare with me if I don’t get back to you right away but please feel free to reach out
@ ZG
Sorry to hear that the guy suddenly cut things off, but I wouldn’t read into it right away. Maybe he was really busy or something happened that prevented him from responding.
I still think your idea to leave your family was a good one. Everyone I know who’s travelled and lived/worked in a different country has been changed by it. Two close family members found their husbands in other countries.
It’s clear what you need is a major change a break from the past. Look into jobs you could do overseas, it’ll change your perspective. If you’re going to go, at least see some of the world before you do.
I’m really not one to give advice though. After climbing out of a hell-hole I was in a couple of years ago, I still am not happy. Life is better and peaceful, but the key things I want are not there.
In my case I really want to work out/go to the gym so I can get back in fighting form. But it’s really difficult to do, with the cold weather and how busy my life is. Speaking of which, that’s another great way to get out of depression. Working out is hard, but it’ll make you feel awesome.
Though given my age, income level, I still think ‘disappearing’ is easier and better. I’m around because there’s good things in life I enjoy doing and experiencing.