A strand. Music really. Im tired of breathing, eating, drinking, trying to hold on to the friends, its all crazy stress shit and its beating out music. Taking out the one thing thats loved me and let me love back. Im so confused and depressed. Im scared mostly. Scared of myself. Scared of when ill put a gun to my head or a noose to my neck and let go. All thats holding me on is the fear of never hearing the beat or music or helpful words. Nothing else matters. Im numb right now as I spill my guts to people that probably dont care and find it funny. I thought it was hilarious a few years ago that people cut themselves. Now Ive looked at the knife and wondered does it work? Will I feel better? But I know better and Im scared. Scared that one day ill snap and try it. Scared that my mind will use it because everything else has run dry. Scared that Ill do that before I kill myself. Or before I find help. Or before I get my life on track. Im scared that Im going to make a wrong decision and fuck up more and more and more and make myself uglier when I can make it all better.You ask what prevents me from pulling that knot tight or picking up that knife and letting it all go? Knowing that there was the smallest chance to change it all.
The smallest chance to be as perfect as I can be. To fight and wake up each and every day knowing I didnt quit. I didnt give up. I didnt cut or commit suicide or even turn to drugs to escape for a few hours. But its a strand, and I can see it getting smaller each day.
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The support of loved ones. There was a time no one cared about me and all I had was my insanity. Those were hard times.
Only the fear of an attempt going wrong stops me.
For me it’s my family …
the fear of death itself
how did you get past it to a support system?
Canned omelettes are on sale at Walmart next week.
That people would think I am an attention seeker.
Dogs
dawg
charlotte!
canned omelettes. ***** u are too cute when u say stuff like that.
Family.. fear
desperate hope?
A little black cat.
@dawg heh
I’m Catwoman in my spare time. So obviously I have responsiblities.
@Perse 🙂
There’s back story to the cat.. in my first post.
She followed me home.
Cats seem to do that, huh? As long as she doesn’t trouble you. I’d like to have a pet someday, maybe.
A strand. Music really. Im tired of breathing, eating, drinking, trying to hold on to the friends, its all crazy stress shit and its beating out music. Taking out the one thing thats loved me and let me love back. Im so confused and depressed. Im scared mostly. Scared of myself. Scared of when ill put a gun to my head or a noose to my neck and let go. All thats holding me on is the fear of never hearing the beat or music or helpful words. Nothing else matters. Im numb right now as I spill my guts to people that probably dont care and find it funny. I thought it was hilarious a few years ago that people cut themselves. Now Ive looked at the knife and wondered does it work? Will I feel better? But I know better and Im scared. Scared that one day ill snap and try it. Scared that my mind will use it because everything else has run dry. Scared that Ill do that before I kill myself. Or before I find help. Or before I get my life on track. Im scared that Im going to make a wrong decision and fuck up more and more and more and make myself uglier when I can make it all better.You ask what prevents me from pulling that knot tight or picking up that knife and letting it all go? Knowing that there was the smallest chance to change it all.
The smallest chance to be as perfect as I can be. To fight and wake up each and every day knowing I didnt quit. I didnt give up. I didnt cut or commit suicide or even turn to drugs to escape for a few hours. But its a strand, and I can see it getting smaller each day.
@Perse
It’s been months since i last saw her… I don’t know..
I liked her form of crazy?
Logic pretty firmly says move on..
I don’t have a gun or any way of getting one. If I had one it would not take long at all. My tries at hanging haven’t worked out. I’m very stuck.
My dog- my one great joy in life- just to see her happy even if I can never be
@Roak Aww. Maybe you’ll find another one someday.
student loan debt