So much pain!!!!

I will be 21 this month… you think i would be happy… but all i can think about lately is ending it all. At the age of 13 was when everything started going extremely downhill both physically and mentally…All my life i had battled with loneliness from being hated and tormented by my siblings, ignored by my mother, and verbally abused by my father. i was an outcast at school considered too hyper and loud for friendship, in kindergarten i was diagnosed with ADHD which made me even more secluded from my peers. I was alone… the only thing comforting me was my pets or the boys down the street who i normally played tag with. at only 7 years old though… i was taken advantage of by one of the older boys and never went back to play with them keeping the incident to myself. I continued to be a loner but longed for any attention that anyone would give me, my weight skyrocketed even though doctors said it was normal, but at 13 i was diagnosed with an under-active thyroid disorder. by this time i was already 200 lbs or so making me angry at my doctors and my parents for not realizing it sooner. my weight gain slowed but it never stopped. This was where the mental problems came in, in the beginning of 8th grade i helped one of my only friends turn her dad in for molesting her. after being arrested he committed suicide the same day… needless to say i blamed myself completely and it didn’t help that when she returned to school it was almost as though she blamed me for what had happened and she was angry at me for it as well… this led me to a downward spiral of depression and self abuse, i began cutting myself on my upper arm where people couldn’t see whenever i was crying hystericly, it seemed to be the only thing that could make me stop crying. i withdrew from the world and became angry with the people in my life. at 15 i started my first real long term relationship with a cocky and angry man. he would often yell at me and cause me to cry but as time went on he changed and became my lifeline, the one and only thing still holding me in place. at 16 my physical problems had gotten worse i was now 280 lbs and had severe pain in my knees, after seeing several doctors who all told me nothing was wrong i had finally found one to tell me my knee caps weren’t in place so i had my first knee surgery and a second one on the same knee for scar tissue a year later. things at school had gotten so bad with bullying that i refused to even step in the cafeteria and if i had nowhere to eat… i would eat in the bathroom stall… i became paranoid thinking if people were laughing it was about me if people were talking it was about me… but everyone thought i was normal and was simply going through a phase, no one ever believed me. my pain had become unbearable in my knees and now i was starting to have joint pains all over my body and especially in my feet and back. doctor after doctor after doctor i was diagnosed and diagnosed as of right now i have been diagnosed with 4 heel spurs, arthritis in my spine, a broken tail bone, torn meniscus two times in my right knee (which the surgeries {6 weeks a piece} from caused me to lose my job), social anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, ashgood shlatter (not sure how you spell that), major depression, asthma, swollen joints, appendicitis (which burst when he took it out), a cardiac arrhythmia (which i also had to have surgery for and to this day i still have extremely painful heart palpitations), exima, vitamin D deficiency, and acid re-flux. i am on 10 different medications and keep in mind I AM ONLY 21! i have been to every kind of specialist i can imagine and i am so sick of it i am sick of being in constant pain and fatigue! i can’t do the things i love like playing soccer or riding dirt-bike, i cant compete in any marathons like i have always wanted to do, i couldn’t join the air-force like i had wanted to do i am haunted by the memories of my past reliving every experience of my childhood in hi definition every bone in my body aches and every joint pops and crunches i can’t move without having something snap crackle and pop I’M A LIVING RICE CRISPY FFS! AND I’M ONLY 21 when i was smaller i had prayed and prayed that god would take my pain away that god would make the bullies stop that god would make my family love me!!! but i never once heard from him i never had a sign from him and things never got better they got worse…. i do not believe in god because how can there be something that is supposed to love us and yet put us through this much pain and sorrow every day i wish nothing but to die when i drive my car i pray to myself that one of the other drivers will swerve into me or a deer will run in front of me i look at my meds and think, it would be so easy… with one simple choice all my pain can go away… everyone says there’s hope and i have been clinging to every ounce of hope i can muster, but hearing from doctor after doctor that i will never get better only WORSE, knowing that if i reproduce… my lifelong dream of having kids i could pass this pain to them… i would rather die!!!!! what is the point of living if all i do is lie around trying my hardest not to move and just sleep the pain away. i want to live i want to travel to other countries i want to ride horses and my dirt-bike, i want to run with my future children, i want to swim without being winded, i want to be able to take the stairs, i want to be happy so badly… i don’t want to die but at this rate i don’t know what else to do…