I’m sitting here again…So sad and so alone…I have been sleeping all the time…I have no energy or drive to even face the day…My life seems to be falling apart all around me…the love I thought I had won’t talk to me, I feel so useless and unwanted…it seems as tho I can’t do anything right…it’s just worth it anymore…y is it that no one wants me around? What’s so wrong with me? I do I even try? Spent a couple days with my mom and grandma, and my mom spent the whole time telling me how horrible I am, how I haven’t lived up to anyone’s expectations and that I’m an all around screw up. My grandma told me in private that she thought the way my mom was treating me was wrong, but she didn’t say anything to my mom…So while it made me feel a little bit better, I had no one to stick up for me…even my mom wishes I wasn’t here…and I know if I wasn’t, it would be for the best…I can’t find anyone to love me, I can’t do anything right, and I am worthless…there is nothing to me…and even tho I try so hard to be the best person I can to everyone, no one cares, everyone takes advantage of me; of my kindness, and I have come to realize that I will never find love or happiness…I will forever always wishing and wanting to not be here…I want to be dead…I am a failure in life and to the people around me…all I ever wanted was to matter to those who matter to me the most…but that is not to be…ever. I hate myself, but idk for what…I can’t figure out y no one wants me or likes me or wants to stay around me…I try…So damn hard…but for nothing…it’s all in vain…I cry out and tell people that I’m sad and need someone to talk to, but no one ever has time for me…I’m on the backburner of everyone…they think, “oh she’ll be fine, I don’t need to talk to her. Nothing will happen to her, she will be here later and I can just talk to her then.” What they don’t understand is that I’m living second to second…I pray to just be put out of my misery…What would happen if I did kill myself? Would they finally realize what they’ve done? Would they care? Would they be sad? Would they feel bad for not helping me? Who knows…but I wish they’d realize it before it gets to that point…I just need someone to talk to…someone to care..someone who thinks I matter.
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As I read this, I realize some of this is eerily similar to my life. I always wonder how everyone I’ve met would react to hear news of my demise. Stay strong miss, for goodness’ sake. It may be bad, but endure the pain. And don’t say you’re worthless. If you were worthless, then you wouldn’t be here. We’re all here for a reason on this crazy place we call earth. Just some of us (me included) have yet found their purpose. So stay strong and persevere. You’ll be happy when you finally reach the gold nugget in the dark, empty mine called life. I’m not really good at this kinda stuff, so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense.
—–Sheep
No it makes sense…I just feel so far gone…at this point I don’t think many would care if I died…I’ve asked for help so many times and received nothing. Like tonight I told someone I was sad and needed some company. They told me they were too busy for me…I never would ask someone to cancel plans for me, jus so I dont have to think about dying, but for once I wish someone would…it would be a glimmer of hope for me…it would show me that someone, even jus if it were that in me person, cares. I hate being too busy for..no do feel worthless, bc everyone expected me to just be ok….and I’m not. I need a shoulder, an ear…something. and since I’m not worth that, therefore I am worthless…I would just ONCE like someone to listen to what I’m going thru, and understand that I really do need help…people know I’m depressed, but no one ever thinks I won’t be there one day…I’m taken for granted by everyone.
Now, don’t say that about yourself. I’ve been in that situation. Alone, in a corner, sniveling like a beaten dog. There’s probably somebody that worries about you very dearly. All it takes is one person to change your view on your life.
—-Sheep
People never care until after the time where it would have mattered…Nobody cares about the bullied until they commit suicide or shoot up a fucking school…People just think the can put “caring” on a schedule and that the universe will adhere to that schedule…..shit happens when it happens….it cares nothing about when someone planned on making an intervention…. Like I bet the person who was “too busy” would scream about how they cared, loved, etc for you if you were to die but when the time counted…when it mattered…they were too busy….pathetic….and by “too busy” I bet they meant they were doing something completely mundane that could have been done at any other time…It isn’t if they were going to perform life saving heart surgery….(if they were thats a valid excuse) but even then they could have made an effort to set a later time that they could come talk to you….I bet they probably haven’t even called afterwords just to check up on you….nothing….smh….nobody cares about the bomb until after it explodes
And esp since the one that I loved seems to have left me, I’m not worth anything…i was supposed to move, to have a great life…but instead I’m stuck…forever to be alone, sad and depressed…so…I’ll just revert back into my shell like I used to
The person who was too busy hasn’t checked on me since…see…I’m worthless. I’m not worth anyone’s time or effort
I know how feeling worthless feels…In fact I feel worthless myself…all the things you talked about in this post I can empathize with you because I know how it feels….the shame, the frustration, the sadness, wishing for the impossible, hating the future, wanting to disappear etc I know how it feels….
I just wish it would all go away…I wish I’d go away
Me too zebra…me too… I want to go away and never return
One day i will just pack up my shit and leave. Escape this horrible house. Makes me feel like i am suffocating in here.