I had a major problem with alcohol the last 2 years. I’ve been trying to self medicate. This last spring, I was suicidal. Was asking God. Is it wrong to take my life …if I’m mentally ill? Can’t I start over? Get a new life?? I stopped drinking after a horrible black out on the 4th of July. The last 3 months of summer were wonderful. I was not drinking, out in the sun and exercising daily. Suicide wasn’t on my mind, at all. I was loving life. However, now that summer has ended, I have been having this constant panic, guilt, fear feeling. My husband doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m going insane, literally. Â I’ve been slowly planning for the end, I cannot handle this sick feeling. I’m drinking again, I’m binging and purging again…. I just cannot handle this life. Â I wish someone would of told me……that if you are mentally ill in anyway, do not have children. The only reason I’m holding on …is for their sake. But wonder if I’m doing more damage being here. I know there are a lot of young people on here…….I’m telling you now, do not have children. It’s not fair to them…..and why bring another little soul into this horrible, horrible world we live in “Hell”.
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I’m across the country maybe, wondering the same thing for my kids. The thought of the pain they would feel missing me is why I came to this site instead of taking the gun to the basement. Please stay strong and I will do the same, our kids probably are better off with us than left trying to remember what our perfume smelled like, looking through photographs of xmas and birthdays until they are old.
Thanks, I will hold on as long as possible. I think I need to build a stronger faith, some kind of spiritual awakening. ….. Because I just feel so defeated…
I would not start binging and purging again after u kept urself In shape over summer, U will loose a lot of weight but it is not worth it to gain more when u stop because of metabolism being shut down. I have eating disorders but im not going to let them control me I took have been exercising all summer and have been wondering what I will do this winter. I am trying to think positive like I will just get some good kind of boots so I can still go out jogging/walking this winter and just bundle up, an also I love it outside at night in winter when there is snow on the ground and everything looks so much lighter and pretty specially at night. I am just gona bundle up an get good boots or some kind of really warm waterproof shoes. Winter will have many pretty warmer days to. Also I am gna get a mini stair stepper to put in front of the tv an do that a lot to. Building a little gym in a spare room by saving up to so that even if I cant go out I can still do stuff. Maybe you can just try to find positive ways to think about winter.
I know how u feel about your kids and having them when u have mental problems , I feel so horrible that a couple of mine are already showing signs of tourettes syndrome and social anxiety but since they are here I try my best not to let them get down and drag them out to play tennis with me and stuff.
Hope you can find your way out of ur depression by finding ways to think positive. good luck
Also u mentioned finding spiritual stuff, I don’t know if you have tried meditation but u could try that to, I practiced it a while and it can be fun learning how to use it to have lucid dreams, I guess that might sound silly to some but it can be fun learning to lucid dream ,, falling asleep while your actually aware of it and do whatever you want in your dreams like flying or just going to ride horses somewhere pretty. It is hard to learn but its really fun when you do so you could give yourself something interesting goal to do until summer is back to =)
I agree with you 100%,I have 1 daughter and she’s 10 and I love her more than anything.I think she’s the main reason why im still here.But I just think of all the violence and evil that she might be subjected in the world when she gets older and everything I went through and I DEFINETLY would not have any more kids.