I appreciate everyone’s input into my issue. Unfortunetely I went ahead and took down my post. I get it, I have horrible flaws. I know this. It’s what I’m trying to fix. I just needed an ear to listen to me and helpful words to help me feel better. This is precisely what I meant when I said I do everything wrong. I’m a screw up. Call me a slut. I don’t care anymore, it’s ok. This is also why I hate myself. Why I don’t want to see tomorrow. I don’t want sympathy, need help. But like I said its fine.
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1. unfortunate indeed
2. everyone has flaws
3. you say you want to “fix” them…
4. but you deleted your post when we attempted to identify your problems
5. we need to see the source, to craft an appropriate solution
6. i didn’t call you a slut
7. you say you don’t want sympathy…
8. but when you received input attempting to address some of your issues, instead of sympathy, you deleted your post.
We can’t help you if you delete our only way of understanding what’s wrong.
You’re contradicting yourself. And i’m not saying that to insult you, i’m saying it to point out that you’re working against yourself, and preventing what you claim to need. If you need help, then at the very least, you have to stop working against yourself, and you have to reveal the source, so that someone might have a chance to give you useful insight, which might not be me. My wisdom doesn’t work for everyone, as i’m sure many here can verify.
I totally agree with clevername. i saw your post and a thoughtful comment on it that really opened me up to many realities that existed in my previous marriage. I wanted to share it with a friend whose life is just as you described yours. But I was surprised to see that it had been removed. I hope to get to read the long comment to your post.
I read your post but after a couple thoughts.. decided i wasn’t going to touch it because i couldn’t think of anything constructive to say. Not that i condemn the way you live your life, just that your coping mechanism and mine have no middle ground.
Try again?
most people here are pretty insightful.. just ignore the odd stone thrower.
Each person deals and reacts to things differently. I was NOT expecting that. I go to therapy and she knows everything and she listens and is softer with things. I realize not everyone is that way and people have their own ways of helping. As long as it is meant to be helpful. I took down what I took down bc I was embarrassed and upset. The earlier posts might have helped some, but when I read them I reverted back inside the shell I’ve built. It felt like I was 12 again. No one is perfect, and I am trying to figure everything out. I have been trying for a long ass time now. I am stuck, I am depressed and all I want is support so that I don’t go right now and slice my arm open. As of right now, it’s the only thing I am looking forward to.
I can post it again, but it won’t do any good. I’ll only feel worse. But if you wanna see it again.
I think this calls for a Jung quote… or several:
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.â€
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.â€
“There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.â€
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.â€
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.â€
Here is my repost,
Hi everyone…ummm I’m new on here, I just felt really like I should join. I think it’s great to have that support on here. I guess I can tell u a little about myself. I am 29, almost 30 I live in the Midwest and had a typical childhood, considering my circumstances. See, I was born with Spina Bifda. Back then they didn’t have much hope that I’d walk, talk or function. However, I am able to walk, function, and I talk way too much lol. Because of the Spina Bifida, I have neuropathy from the waist down on my backside. Can’t feel most of my feet, but somehow I am able to walk. I got the Spina Bifida bc my parents couldn’t conceive so they took fertility drugs. My mom has always outwardly blamed my dad and it is a pretty hostile home. My dad is pretty much afraid of my mom so when she does or says something to me, he does nothing. Speaking of that. I have always been pudgy…Cute don’t get me wrong, but pudgy. This is bc of the nerve damage, stunted my growth and so on…yeah I got medical issues, you all get it. My mom always told me I was fat. Always. From an early age. So myself esteem has always been low. She alsotold me I’d never graduate college, which I did. She told me I was too fat to get married, been together 11 yrs, married 5. Got a good job, a new car and did this all not to get back at my mom, not to show her I could, but it was natural progression for me to do so.
Growing up I was a pretty happy girl. Didn’t know any other way to be. Then it went downhill in 1999. My Grandpa, the person who had always stuck up for me, died. I was beyond devastated. I was inconsolable. I tried at that time to commit suicide. I drank alcohol with some pills and then sat in a bath and tried to cut my wrists. Somehow, I woke up with my friends looking at me, freaked to all get out. I did this at a slumber party. I didn’t go to the hospital, my friends just watched over me, and I actually got better. I have absolutely no idea how I survived. I really wanted the pain to stop and I wanted to see my grandpa again. After that, I got depressed a few more times, but nothing to the extent that I did before. I received peace that he was ok…story for another day. Anyway lol I didn’t start getting depressed again until 2008. The year of my college graduation, my student teaching, and my wedding…all which happened in May, and June….I’m crazy I know. My mom then started on me bout losing weight for the wedding, bc she said he doesn’t want a fat wife. I went to the extreme. I became pretty much anorexic. Oh and I had discovered a love of alcohol. It was a bad time in my life. Then in 2010 I hit rock, rock bottom. My husband and I had a lot of issues, I was telling what I needed from him and he was very VERY verbally abusive. Which to this day says isn’t a real thing, but I digress. I got tired of him putting me down all the time so I had a few affairs. It didn’t end well with some of them. Now why did I do this act this time? This time I wanted to get back at him. At first. It was horrible I know, but He said horrible things to me and I wanted to prove him wrong. Well, I fell in love with 1 of them we dated for a while but he ended things abruptly for no reason that I could see, and my life tailspun. I didn’t have family, I didn’t have a supportive husband and I didnt have him. Well let me rephrase…he ended most things by that point, but not totally no contact. The night before he cut most of our relationship off, I noticed my razor was dull so I changed it to a new one. The next night after that, I really don’t remember all of what happened. I remember pieces but it was like it wasn’t me. I got in the shower and got my razor and tried to cut. Only the razor was dull. If that’s not intervention idk what is. I called the guy I loved, and told him. He actually started yelling at me. He said I was crazy and ended coming to see me all together. Well I realized I needed help after that, I didn’t need anyone to do it for me. I got therapy and on meds. I still would get depressed and so one night, I messaged him and said I was depressed and scared and asked if he could come give me a hug. He said no. He said he wouldn’t be the type of friend that would come to see me in the middle of the night when I’m scared. Asked him then what type of friend is he, and he said I’ll give u advice but that’s it. I was so hurt I stopped talking to him. Did that for 2 years. Recently I befriended him on fb again and I feel ok now. Since realizing I am no longer in love with him. During the 2 years, I now have a new problem. I fell for my best friend. I haven’t told him yet and think I will refuse to, bc I am so scared to lose him. He has always been there for me and I think my feelings grew when I refused to admit it to myself. I believe all along I was confusing my feelings with someone else. So that depresses me now. I feel like I did last time if not worse. I am still married, still not happily. I’m still married bc I’m scared to be alone and don’t want to never find someone again. It’s stupid, but it’s the reason. And now idk what to do. Can anyone help? I am so sorry for the long story…I really am.
I appreciate those quotes clevername
Despite my efforts to embrace linguistic precision, i often feel that very few people who encounter my words, ever accurately perceive my intended meanings, aka: i struggle to effectively communicate that which is important to me. I also hold various views which many/most others seem to find particularly inadmissible.
I used to wonder why things went the ways they did… “why me?” “why, god? why?” but through a series of life experiences, i became quite conscious as i realized how most, if not all things, are connected. It’s… ineffable. I can’t sufficiently verbalize “how everything is connected,” but i see it easily now. I don’t have to ask “why?” I know why. And i don’t always like the answers.
And this process was indeed extremely painful, and some of that still lingers, and i expect it always will, to some degree.
The first step to solving a problem, is admitting you have one. I suppose the next step is becoming as familiar with its intricacies as possible, assessing it’s realm of impacts, and attempting to determine what to do, and where to focus your limited available human efforts, in order to produce the most effective solutions in the least amount of time.
We must first accept that what we want to change, actually is what it is. But to accept it, we should first determine its truth, and understand it as well as possible, so we can most accurately define it.
It is indeed terrifying to journey into the darkness of one’s own unconscious or subconscious mind. And you have to do that, without knowing what you’ll find, in order to truly understand, and then accept, just what it is that’s causing you to want to change part of yourself… and you might not even be able to make a significant change in some areas. In awakening that darkness, you might just find that you can’t really change what you really want to change, but can only alter it so much. And if you find that truth, it’s difficult to accept. But once you do, you’ll know yourself. And that’s a pretty important ‘unknown’ to eliminate from the realm of things that cause uncertainty. At the very least, knowing yourself can reduce the weight of the burdens you carry… or perhaps even entirely eliminate some of them.
But you have to try to relax and be patient, even when it feels like the answers and solutions can’t come soon enough.
The one thing I have done thru this whole thing is that I have an issue that I have no idea on how to fix. I regret that I did what I did, but in a way it did make me stronger; but then weaker in other areas. I want to be happy. I don’t want to look at objects that I could use to hurt myself every time I pass. I am sick and tired of it. I need support from people, who may not have had the same reason for it, but whom are in the same situation we are all here for. To stop our suicides. We may not really want to die, I certainly don’t, we may just want the pain to stop.
I saw this post from Scarredkitty, and it really spoke to me. Before I deleted my post I said that I also felt as tho I don’t have any reason to be alive. I don’t feel as tho I have a purpose in life. I stare at myself everyday wondering y I am even here. Y I can’t just die. This I s what she said. “It sounds like you’re waiting for life to give you meaning to go on while life wants you to force meaning on it. Someone’s gonna have to budge”
My 2 cents…. (over valued as it is)….
Sounds like you have BPD. Abandonment/isolation issues also impulsiveness and risky behavior (also very common for those who come from emotionally abusive backgrounds).
– Have you been diagnosed with BPD? If so – are you getting treatment?
– Just because you “failed” in parts of your marriage, that does not equate to you being a failure. Those are two separate issues.
– Lastly, I am sorry to hear that you have not had the support that you need. Perhaps you need to open yourself up to NEW people. Yes, some may crap on you; but some may embrace you and care for you exactly as you are… And isn’t that pretty much what all of us hope for?
Good luck to you.
I didn’t read your whole repost but I wanted to atleast say that I sympathize with the spine and body issues. That must be really tough for you. I hope you can keep positive through all the hurtles.
Uselessness, I appreciate your incite. I have found someone. He accepts me for me and no one can understand how much I appreciate it. I’ve never had that before. I fought the feelings I had for him for a looooooong time and I think that’s y I love him so much. I wasn’t diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed with severe depression and an anxiety disorder. I am on lots of meds, which are also used to treat Bipolar Disorder. They worked for a while, but it’s getting worse and worse. Honestly I always thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder but I haven’t been able to get anyone to help me diagnose the issue. I can’t get into a Psychiatrist bc they told me I’d have to be put in a 72 hr hold before they could assign me to anyone. And I can’t be put on a 72 hr hold without trying to commit suicide again. Which is what I’m trying not to do. Soooo I can’t get the meds I really need bc I can’t get the help I need. It’s a cycle that won’t stop. Idk what to do. My therapist can’t diagnose those type of disorders so I’ve got to just hang in there. I feel so alone and I’m so scared
Thank u RealTalk30 I appreciate the kind words.
Sorry uselessme, my autocorrect kicked in
I’ll have to take a little time to read through this thread to see if there is anything i can offer – but you’re free to email or ask me anything you want/need and i’ll give you straight answers to the best of my knowledge
naked dawg