I dug myself a hole. It’s walls protected me. But I grew too tall, and I stood above them. So I dug down deeper. Hands reached out for me, but behind them, was Her. So I dug deeper. A voice, inside, unheard, and small; “Not too deep! So you can pull yourself out!” School was scary, I was stupid. I dug deeper. I didn’t make friends with the right people. I dug deeper. I didn’t like Her lunch, so I threw it away for weeks,months, never ate. And deeper. High school, mind shutdown, voice snuffed. Just close your eyes and imagine. Dirt walls became castles, rocks were fearsome dragons. My Shovel, a beautiful Knight, who loves me for who I am. Now seal it in stone, forever. Year, after year, after year, after year, after year.
High school is over, no drivers license. Go get a job here. Come outside at this time. DON’T MAKE ME WAIT. Chains rattled. Years melted. License obtained, still chains. Come home by this time. Don’t see her anymore. You’re not allowed. I don’t want you to. Don’t talk to me like that. You’re going to do this, and your going to be this. You play the violin, now more, more! No, it’s not enough, now you quit. You never stick with anything. Resistance is met with HURT. Again, and again, and again…….and again…………and again……..too tired. Breaks. No will. No voice. No self esteem. Puppet.
I open my eyes to see dirt walls. The opening is too small to see. Can I still clime out? Do I still have hope? I try, over and over. But my eyes keep closing. I’m getting tired. She wont listen…she still wont listen? Twenty-one years have passed. I still have no voice. I can’t make decisions, even when she wants me to. I am conditioned not to. Have you not made them all for me? What career do I choose? Where do I work? Where do I go to school? I decide? You broke my decide. And you still don’t listen. I’m tired.. I can’t make friends, you didn’t pick any of them. I try, but you tell me I fail, so I stop trying. Yet you get angry at me. My fault? Is it something new? Now I can’t do anything by myself? Isn’t that what you wanted? I don’t pull my own strings master, I can’t reach them anymore. So I close my eyes and imagine still, I’m just your puppet after all.
2 comments
This is wonderful.
Maybe you don’t feel like you have a voice. But it comes through quite strongly.
Great talented writing.
As far as the subject matter though, if I’m interpreting it right, it’s mostly about the effect of dealing with controlling parents. If you’re older now, have a car, etc, you do have a choice, just leave. There have been a few similar stories on here the past few days and people who feel victimized by dealing with family members, but who put up with them because they have moved back home or other similar circumstances. If people are really that toxic to your mental health, even though we all know it’s harder to be out on your own and pay for things yourself, it would be better to leave. But as you included in your story, I know the ability to leave is hindered by the damage that we have incurred, feeling too stupid to make any decisions for ourselves, etc. But ultimately it still does come down to that one choice. Either keep putting up with people who drive us nuts, or get fed up enough to leave. Yeah, it’s never fun that leaving involves having to provide a whole lot more for yourself. But it’s either put up with the torture or fight for freedom. Can’t exactly keep blaming people who torture us when it takes place in a jail cell that doesn’t really have any lock on it. If you’re fed up with family and what they put you through, we’re able to go live on our own if we’re willing to make the extra sacrifices it’ll take to do that.