ok so after about 2 hours of sitting here thinking of what to say, how to say it, and again asking myself “is there a point?” I guess the only reason or in my case the only point that i should do this is because i do know that if i don’t try something soon, i am going to hurt myself sooner or later.
So lets start at the beginning, At 17 I was strongly concidering suicide, I was 5 mins away from blowing my head off with a shotgun, i mean i had it under my chin and everything, i was just trying to get the courage to do it before i was caught. So obviously i spent the next 3 months at the rockford center. It turns out that I really liked it there, everyone there (patients not doctors) was just so understanding, and new how I felt. we all became friends, shit i even had a girlfriend while i was there, at least i thought so. Her name was Rachel, she was pretty, nice, funny and just as a nerd as me. we talked every day. then at my last evaluation, i was told i was showing improvements, and that i should be able to get out soon. Rachel lived in Virginia near VA Beach and from what she told me she was getting out soon as well. so I was like ” ok well I don’t currently live in Va, but my real mom does I could see if i could live with her, then we can see each other when were out.” We both thought that was awesome and we were vary excited. A week later I was able to leave, so we exchanged information, said out for now good byes had one last kiss and I left for Carrolton, Va. A day or so after I arrived I wrote her a letter, talking about how nice the neighborhood was and the high school i was going to attend. A week or two later a got her letter, saying that she missed me and that she was told that she would be getting out in a week or two, and she talked about her house and stuff and she gave me her home address so i could send her next letters there. So i sent one last letter to her to the rockford center, it didn’t really require a response, i told her that she could send me one when she gets home. now this is where things started going down hill for me. After about a month i still had no letter so to cover my bases i wrote a letter made a copy and sent one to the rockford center and the other to her address she gave me. the rockford center one came back, so obviously she’s not there. soon after i finally got a letter back, but it wasn’t from her, it was from her mother, she basically told me that Rachel didn’t want anything to do with me. I was shocked, angry, and straight up devastated. I called her up and she answered the phone i said “hey, its me  James.” “click” “WHAT REALLY!!”
I wrote one last letter asking for some sort of explanation anything, I wasn’t angry writing, i wasn’t a sad pathetic loser about it, I was just asking what her reasoning behind all of this. I got nothing!
This was the last time i had any strong feelings for any woman in my life, this was the last time i had any relationship with any woman. Im 27 now, its been 10 years since i’ve been with a woman in any type of romantic or intimate fashion.
Before you even think it, this is not a rant on how long its been since i had a woman in bed and how horney i am, a relationship with a woman is not just about sex, in my opinion sex is just an extra fun thing you two do with each other. In fact this is just a story of how my severe depression started.
Anyway back on topic,
So for the past ten years ive tried off and on to start a conversation with a girl, each time I was shot down like a nazi.
now I i do have enough self-esteem to know that on a scale from 1-10 that im an easy 7 or 8. that being said I don’t get depressed from getting rejected, in fact I know that its going to happen. What gets me depressed is who is rejecting me, I began purposefully going after women who are at the vary least 5’s or 6’s, thinking that my chances were a whole lot better than going after women that are like me 7’s or 8’s, BOY WAS I WRONG!!
I had women that were a debatable 5 shoot me down hard. So after a year or so of this I just stopped, there was no point of me even trying.
then theres the girls who do have a man and they’re constantly bitching about how much of a dick,ass whole, or douce bag this guy is. so im like “so all the douce bags get all the girls, in what world does this make sense?”
The sad part is and i mean really sad, is that the only girl that i can talk to the only girl that talks to me, the only girl that enjoys my company, is my step sister, and because we became step siblings at an age were it would be hard to call each other brother and sister, i never really did, but when i confessed to her that she was the perfect girl for me she just said i’m sorry but your my brother and i couldn’t see us getting together. This was my last straw, I didn’t have anyone, I DON”T have anyone. So then my depression sets in, I start being reclusive, i cut all ties to any one that at the vary least knows me, I start spending all my money on webcam sites just so i can have a girl talk to me, i know that its their job to talk to me but for someone like me, who cares. so this is where i’m at now
-no money
-a sucky job
-no friends
-no girlfriend
-obviously no apartment
-parents constantly telling me im a fuck-up (which is true)
-tried and failed at collage
So yeah thats where i’m at right now, So i ask “is there a point in me still taking up space in this world? Why should I keep trying when my track record is 0/???
I have not succeeded at anything in my life that wasn’t a video game. So I ask one more time, Whats the point?!”
6 comments
after reading everything you wrote i kinda understand what you feel… i’m at the exact same point but i’m a bit older (31), i did finish my education but i relate to what you say… no friends, after 5 years of being together the girl i was going to move with broke up with me (i was dealing with depression because of a physical injury and she moved out first, after 4 months she just got tired of waiting for me to get better i guess), no job (i did finish my carreer but hate it, i do small tech work for living on the meantime), and pretty much everything in my life so far as failed as well…
honestly i guess there isn’t a point, you just have to keep chasing something that makes you happy, supposedly everybody finds at least one thing that makes them happy (i lost it due to that illness and it’s been downhill from that), maybe you just have to find that something that gets you going? and i do mean something that makes you happy as a unique person, by and for yourself, not a girlfriend, just a goal or activity that you really want to get good at and makes you happy… i do now for experience that at least that kept me alive and without wanting to end my life for a long time
I ask myself the same question a lot.
Similar situation, but I’m under 18.
-NEVER had a girlfriend
-still a virgin
-never even kissed a girl
-or hugged
-or held hands
-or any other contact, really.
-I’m socially awkward as fuck, so I get all nervous in front of girls
-so I probably can’t even talk to one. I don’t remember the last time I did. Yeah, that sounds really pathetic, right? Well, yeah, that’s what I am.
-I happen to go to an all-boys-school, so that makes all the points above even worse, and probably was a major contributor as to why am I what I am(or maybe I’m just making excuses… IDK…)
-so the closest I get to a girl is probably when in the rare occasion one chooses to sit next to me on the bus.
If you searched up “loser” in the dictionary, I would probably come up…
-Friends? I don’t think I have any. There’s a few people I talk to occasionally, they’ll ask me about my grades/marks, and I’ll do the same. But I guess that doesn’t count. At lunch and breaks, I don’t hang out with anyone.
-I never go out during the weekend(no one would probably invite me, anyway), or go anywhere after school. I just stay at home pretty much 24/7 when I’m not at school or on the way to/from school. I never go and “hang out” with anyone.
-Never been to a “party”. As in the ones that teens around my age go to, with all the sex, drugs, alcohol etc.
-Been to less than 5 birthday parties in my life, been a few years since my last one, majority are 5-10 years ago. I don’t celebrate my birthdays either. Obviously no one would come to my party, if I ever held one, not that I ever would.
-So I’m a loner.
-Doing shit at school. Honestly never had any good grades before.
-Hate every single second of it.
-Doing shit at life.
I guess my only solace is that in around a year, I’ll be done with high school, then I can get the fuck out of where I live, maybe move to another country, restart my life and everything, where no one will know me, and go to college, hoping that it’s a billion times better than HS.
Maybe I’m derailing your post, and I should make my own instead? If someone replies to my comment saying so, then I’ll make my own post.
If u do I’ll read it.
@loveless
Damn, you sound like an exact copy of me when I was in high school and a similar reflection of myself as well. You should definitely write a separate post, I’d love to hear your story. I’ll write an elaborate comment there if you decide to make one
wow everything you’ve just said is a description of my myself and my life. I’m going through the same shit in high school as well, I’m definitely considered a “loner”.
FrostDemon,
Your nick somehow reminds me of cold but I think that is just some coincidence. haha
Anyways, about whether there is any point in life or not. I think not. I think if you want a meaning for life, then you won’t find it. But then, who says you can’t do something. I mean college for example, well apply again? Or friends? Like if you don’t talk to anyone, then it is weird if you’d suddenly have super many people.
What comes to people. I don’t know. Every single person in my life either has or will let me down. But still I need people in my daily life.
I don’t think you have failed either. Or if you have, at least I think that flaws and failures belong to life. But you have to keep trying. Like some I don’t know some company. Let’s swy they go to bankruptcy, it doesn’t mean anything. Okay you lost money but maybe you can startcup a new one etc.