I’m 34 yrs old, all my life I have battled problems, many of which I won’t get into here, some of which I will, namely the straw that broke the cammel’s back……… I battled with living with Asperger Syndrome (AS), I was bullied as a kid, ignored by my peers, especially be females…. As I got older, I was DX’ed with AS at the age of 21….. I had nowhere to go at the time so my mother let me move in temporarily with her, well, I intended for it to be temporary…. But she made me seek counseling, she lied to my counselor to get my check in her name so she could control my check… I’m high functioning enough to be independent, but she uses my disability as a crutch to hold me back for her own selfish wants…. So I’ve been watching my life slowly pass me by, for the past 13 or 14 yrs or so….. I had developed a mental dependency on marijuana…. Well, now it’s made me impotent, I’m 34 and facing erectile dysfunction, I can’t do anything which gives me any pleasure, I can’t smoke, drink, I can’t eat most of the foods I wanna eat, and I have to live by a strict diet, I can’t watch porn, basically I’m allowed no vices any more unless I just wanna give up on ever regaining my manhood. I’m human, I’m no goddamn angel.
So I’m at the end…. I am planning on committing suicide, I promise this isn’t some scare story where I’m among the statistics who don’t pull it off, one in 33 succeed, consider me that one, if my plan comes through as I am hoping then it will make things much easier…. I have a back up plan too…. I’m dead centered and determined to die. It is my ultimate right of self ownership, I never chose to come to this world in the first place…. And it hasn’t been a very nice world…
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I won’t go into details because 1) it’s against the policy of this site and 2) I don’t wish to give away my plans, but I will say this, I have a back up plan, a back up, back up plan, and a back up plan after that one…. So I have plan A, B, C, and D. All fast and painless. Hopefully I can finally find peace in this world….. I will be writing my suicide note soon enough, once I can guarantee the resources necessary to carry out one of my plans.
So why do you bother posting? Posting is a detour on the road to suicide. What do you hope to gain? Be honest with yourself. No one can stop you; certainly no one here. Are you looking for encouragement? Someone to plead with you not to do it? Perhaps a diversionary delay? In other words, if it is so planned out and you are so ready to go with each plan in order until success is achieved, what are you doing here?
Or are you ranting as a form of therapeutic confession? Does admitting it diminish its efficacy?
These question interest me.
G.W.
See my view has became thus, because of all my suffering I’ve lived more than half my life post-suicidal. This can either make a person bitter and angry or it can make them wiser…… I’ve been investigating life, reality, I was a truth seeker…. Or should I say, a reality seeker, as truth can be rather subjective. In my times I have managed to reach many people, even if I am regarded as somewhat eccentric. I’ve came to realize that without some sort of chemical assistance to balance my brain chemistry, I can’t really be happy. But having done so has costs me my manhood. Now it’s one or the other. Or, option 3, I die and leave all this behind me.
Suicide is neither weak nor selfish, but ultimately a right of self ownership and self sovereignty. Everyone has a breaking point….. I never asked to be here in this world in the first place, rather people realize this or not, we live in a prison planet. A few wealthy bloodlines rule the entire world, through greed, manipulation, exploitation, violence, and it’s all like a giant cult here. Or rather, a web of cults operating under a central mother cult. War of the hives….. The future in this planet is totally void of humanity. I’ve been completely desensitized…. I’m not gonna have to be around to continue watching planet earth and humanity kill itself, because I’m gonna go first….. But, if anything, I see most of planet earth as weak, too afraid to face reality, too lacking of appreciation of existence to ponder any of it, I am not selfish here…. Rather, those who would call me selfish, are selfish for wanting me to live a miserable life for other peoples’ happiness….
And I don’t care that there are others with worse problems, there will always be such… Doesn’t take away from my problems…. I find that to be a cop out….. One person’s hell is another person’s heaven, and vice versa (metaphorically speaking). Here I stand at the end of my road, a broken warrior, ready to see what (if anything) lies beyond life on this earth…. If there is nothing, I won’t be missing anything, and if i am, I won’t be conscious to realize it….. Hopefully I can navigate beyond life and death and find peace on some higher plane of existence….. All I want is to finally make peace.
I suppose this is just a temporary therapeutic confession….. I mean, really, sometimes there really isn’t anything anyone can do, nothing to fix the problem….. But talking about it is at least a temporary comfort…..
the average odds are 25 to 1
http://lostallhope.com/suicide-statistics
I’m upping my odds by having more than 1 plan, I have 4 of them, bringing me up to at least a good 80% chance of pulling it off. Considering mathematically 25 x 4=100, from a mathematical standpoint I’m almost guaranteeing myself an exit….
I know this probably isn’t the time or place for this, but that’s not how things work mathematically. 1 in 25 means approximately 4%, even if plans were additive, that would only be 16% after 4 plans.
I’m also a high functioning ASD (autistic/asperger spectrum) which is why stupid crap like the above is the first thing I think. I’ve also been more or less out of luck with women, and unfortunately I don’t have any answers for you. I will say that sexual virility has nothing to do with manhood though. I can’t tell you what to do, but I do hope you continue to try, and attempt independence, for me that was a huge relief.
Well technically I have no interests in getting a woman anymore, at least nothing more than a 1 night stand…. Too much drama and baggage these days… Too many traps to look out for…. Ironically, now, after I don’t even care to look and I can’t even get it up, now theyr asking me, go figure, about a month ago I had to turn down an offer to a 3 way because of my ED.
I’ve done figured it out, I’ll likely be gone not too long after x-mas, maybe before new years….