confused

how can you love someone if your heart is still beating from someone else? simple you make a decision. my decision was that a mate told me to think of the person who i want more. but the person i want more i cant have so i choose the other person. he is sweet and kind and amazing boyfriend. so love drama is over. now what to do when you are loved so much but feel so empty. this morning i pushed my own sister in the wall, cried my eyes out to school, got to school felt happy but then i got angry and started punching the wall. i look at my fist. the knuckles are red with a simple popped vein. ironic. this should hurt but it doesnt. and to be honest all i want is the one special person to be there with me come up to me hug me and look at me and tell me he loves me and everything will be okay then kiss me and i can just lay down in his arms and feel safe……. a fantasy… i sometimes think what the after life is like. is it just darkness, is that bright light real? or is it just nothing. either way im not safe here on earth. no one is. i close my eyes and lately i havent seemed to find my happiness. i feel anger, i see pain, i feel death, i see my end.  i said to someone i love that i wasnt going to hurt myself but i feel the need to do it. if i do it somewhere where he cant see it then maybe it willnt be so bad. but can a lie kill him.? to me it will. so once again i am stuck. wanting to die but wanting to live. got love but dont feel it.