I don’t think I can take any of this much longer. Every day I hold out and tell myself this living hell can’t get any worse and only better and that things will be righted soon. But as every day passes I hate life more and more and I can’t stand it any longer. Everyone hates me and they still ask me whats wrong just so they can laugh at me about it behind my back when they think I’m not listening. I always tell them nothing’s wrong now but in reality everything’s wrong. I can’t do anything right, I can’t even succeed in killing myself, even I hate me. I just want to stop living but I don’t want to die. I’m not productive in any way, I spend my time writing poetry of death and cutting, why should I even go on when I don’t benefit anybody. Everything’s so wrong. I’m so wrong. I’m not right. I’m not all right.
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I love poetry! Can I read some of yours?! Also I have learned what at least temporarily helps is anger! Get angry at them. Lets here you call them some bad names. F*%k up a pillow with their mother bleeping faces. Lets all be Hulks! Anger turns us into a big green monster. What does sadness turn us into? The emo guy with the bow and arrow? Stay strong :-).
I’m not very good at writing poetry despite having done so much of it but here’s a quick sample:
Just one single sharpened knife,
Just one single lonesome blade,
Puts a hold on all my strife,
As I sit in nights darkest shade,
I recall what those around me say,
How cutters are a stupid joke,
Emotionally soon they might pay,
When a rope around my neck does choke,
we’ll see whos laughing then,
but for now in solitude,
I take my blade out of its den,
then across my wrists small longitude,
I create a river of my own,
a river of temporary relief,
the remains of my rivers are never shown,
and the pain is always brief.
And I don’t want to be angry at these people, they are all good people who deserve more than they have. I’m already the emo guy. I’m the issue.
Thank you so much for sharing. :-). And you are not an issue. Stop that thinking. I know it is hard. We need to try shift your thinking. The poetry must help get out emotions, right? Do you think you could use it to make some? Try writing about a new topic. Turn your skills and your poetic brain onto something new, challenging and weird!
First off thank you so much for reading, but unfortunately yes I am the issue. My entire life people have abandoned me, no ones lasted around me for over a year, it’s not them, it’s me. I’ve tried writing about different topics before but I just don’t feel them, I can’t write about them because I don’t believe what I’m writing. It’s like standing there saying to your friend face to face “I’m fine” while you climb onto a chair and make a noose. I can’t do it. Also turn what skills onto something new? I said earlier that I have no skills, I have no smarts, I have no life, I have no friends, I have no anything. I am nothing unfortunately. In fact I’m even half regretting posting this here as I feel like I’m simply wasting your time. Trust me, I’m the issue.
You’re not wasting my time. I have it. And Im choosing to spend it on something valuable. Now, I have know you for 10 internet minutes. And I already found you have word skills. So I am not buying the skilless story your selling! I guess salesmanship is not one of your skills :-). Could you write a poem to make someone laugh? Try! That someone may even be yourself.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
They say he’s all right now,
I once tried some newly designed syrup for a cough,
I really had no idea what to expect-orate,
They say an unusual medical book is one with an appendix missing,
Eye say that joke can’t get any cornea,
You know tulips are better than one when it comes to flowers and kissing,
Photographers are great at botany thanks to photo synthesis,
I hear that Scarecrows are always garden their patch,
One palm tree said to another ‘let’s have a date.’
Eagles must be really talon-ted, they’re prey they always catch.
I just wrote that then when you told me to write a poem with humour. See, I just can’t manage it when its not something I’m feeling unfortunately. As for making me laugh I think the last time I laughed for real was two weeks ago when someone tried to reassure me not everyone hated me.
Hahaha all that made me giggle.
Glad something came outa that piece of crap.
“Every day I … tell myself this living hell can’t get any worse and only better and that things will be righted soon.”
That mistake compounds the problem. You are obfuscating your own clarity by telling yourself something that is most likely not true, and are then disappointed to observe that it clearly is not true.
Telling yourself it won’t get worse, won’t stop it from getting worse.
Telling yourself it will get better, won’t make it better.
Repeatedly fabricating false hope for yourself, despite what should be most reasonably predicted through observation, is a good way to cause yourself psychosis through perpetual and continual disappointment.
You have to start seeing it all clearly, accepting what is actual, and then striving to figure out how to act to influence improvements, without expecting fantastical results. It takes hard work, applied in the right spots, reliably maintained over a long period of time, to make real and worthwhile progress. Once you have learned and experienced the process of fully accepting yourself, very little should upset you. Without reliance upon fantastically false hope, without fear of disappointment, you can free up so much more energy to spend on important things… like building a ladder up the side of the wall, to climb out of your hole and get back to living a life.
And if people with whom you interact, mistreat you… cut them out of your life. It’s not worth caring what they think, unless they are physically imposing and enforcing difficulty upon you. If they think you need to be better, then they should stop hindering you by making you feel bad about yourself. Negative reinforcement doesn’t work for everyone.
This makes a lot of sense and I’ve considered it before, the problem is unless things do get better I’m going to get worse. I can’t simply accept that things are this terrible and so I try to act on it and make it better and the only way I can make myself act on it is to tell myself that my actions WILL improve the situation I find myself in. Unfortunately it never works. I’m not good enough to change my situation, I don’t have the skills or abilities to sadly. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it. Accepting myself is something that I’m going to have to do I suppose but I don’t see how when I’m like this… Anyway thank you.