Hmm so I’m a little confused how to work this site now after two years I don’t even know if you’ll find this post. Cause I can’t post on the other feed to tell you to come here. This was the comment that was stuck in moderation-
“Holy hell. Yeah I remember you Duke! Long time. Well around the time I left those two years ago, my tank was confiscated from me by a housemate at the time who found the hood, tank and tubing. Sucks, to say the least. I did actually break into his car to get it, but I was worried he let some gas out. But beside that I was still so confused by all the details hanging around the method. So many different opinions and stuff. and I was torn between just taking the leap and between fear of being a bed veggie for the rest of my life. So I stocked up lots of different meds to give myself serotonin syndrome. It worked, and I sufficiently gave myself serotonin syndrome and nearly died. Only, I got out of it with a trashed liver, because roommate came home a day early. I don’t see this as an act of God, I see this as a f*cking annoying coincidence. I spent the year or so after that working on my writing. I started up a blog about abuse in families and helped others to fight on and learn to know themselves. Sadly, I never revealed in my blog that even though I was learning to tell my story and stop being self destructive, and teaching others to love and respect themselves and remove abusers from their lives- I was still suicidal. I tried to live with the feeling. It couldn’t be medicated, and talking about it really just made me frightened. For a while I thought it was because I was scared to let the idea go. It was my relief. My way out when things got too much. But the more I tidied up my life, and the better my writing became the more the little feeling nagged at me inside. Though I had given life a shot, like so many anti-suicide people preach for us to do, Life and I still didn’t understand the beauty in one another. We had learned to put up with each other sure. But there was the voice inside me that asked if living a life where I was just putting up with my existence was really worth it. We’re made to believe there is something positive around the corner. We walk for blocks and blocks under this belief. I have walked a long way, like many of us. I have found insight and wisdom. But the more I have learned, the more distant I have become. And the truest, most simple happiness has been the hardest for me to obtain. I was diagnosed with Non-verbal learning disorder. It means that though I am quite a bright girl, I find the simple things in life (like parking) really difficult. And it makes me feel out of place. More time passed, and as it slowly grinded to a halt around this time I am entertaining the notion once more. It seems that the longer I try to ignore my existential depression and need to leave this life, the louder it becomes.”
How have you been duke? I haven’t used the email linked to this account in ages. I use another now. So if anyone emailed me I’m sorry for my lack of response.
So basically helium thread is only strictly for helium discussion now? That’s a little sad. Since that’s where we all met each other.
17 comments
I saw your comment. The helium thread was deleted but subsequently revived after I complained about it. You are allowed to comment on old posts. You just can’t make new ones.
Also I missed you too (:
Oh really? So only a reply method works?
Yeah. The site rules have been redrafted several times and this was the only compromise. Most of the people you knew have left now.
Yeah I know. That sucks, it was the first place I thought of to come to throw ideas around. I guess I will have to find somewhere else for discussion on helium
You’re not allowed to talk about methods is what I meant.
Just reading what you wrote brings back a lot of memories. Were you working as a waitress?
Ahh…it makes sense that those kinds of changes would be implemented.
Yes I was. I still am actually (:
What about you? You said you’re still stuck between life and death. I know that feeling.
I lost my job recently so I’m unemployed with a mountain of debt. Do you think leaving the site helped you?
Aw I’m sorry to hear that 🙁
I don’t think leaving made a difference. I think it was other factors. But I guess I came back in the end :/ Have you been posting all this time?
Yeah I have but I’m going to stop now. I can’t leave my family.
I really liked you. I suppose I value life, just not mine.
Aw. Well you could always hang around just to chat not necessarily to end it? I hope that by staying you learn to value your life. You’re a nice person, and if you’ve got a family around you, then I’m sure that will be helpful for you too. I liked you too (: If I don’t see you again on here, farewell
take care of yourself for me
Actually I don’t think I’m going to hang around here either. There’s something dark about it to me especially after the others all departed. It makes me feel hopeless to be back here. Reminds me of being excited to have a way out and then reading up on all the complications. Anyway…
My email is abbeyrosethompson @ hotmail.com no spaces. Dunno if spaces matter anyway. Throw me an email sometime (: Goodluck duke
I will and who knows. I’d like to think some of the got better and if not at least they found peace.
Me too.