I can’t get his face out of my head.
His bowl cut-bright blonde hair, deep green eyes and laugh that would light up a room. His excitable, 6 year-old body running around every coffee table and corner imaginable in our household. His love for soccer, friends, food, and life in general. He made everything fun and worth living, he was my little brother and he looked up to me.
At the time I was 8 years old, twelve years ago in August. He scored his first goal in his third game after practicing and screamed “YES!” while running up to me telling me he did it and asking if I saw. My mom and I were laughing and so proud of him–also happy we got it on camera.
Then all hell broke loose because I asked the question. Its a question I hate, and has been repeated often through out my life; “Can we get ice-cream?! to celebrate?!” He flipped, wanting to go so bad even though we had to get home for dinner. My mom being the awesome person she used to be said it was ok. Once we were leaving, it was an average Baskin & Robbins, my mom got into the drivers side of her old sudan, I got in the passengers seat and he got in the back behind the passengers seat. Before putting on my seat belt he said, “sissy! come sit by me!” I rolled my eyes and said “alright coming!” I sat behind my mom’s drivers seat and off we went.
On the drive home he began dozing off with a cone in his hand, daiquiri ice flavored ice cream dripping down the sides, he couldn’t have looked any more peaceful to me. At the time I may not have been thinking those exact thoughts but looking back now he was the most beautiful little boy I’d ever seen. He was so sweet, innocent, gentle, a little crazy here and there but was always polite and willing to help water plants or attempt folding laundry.
The next thing I know, we’re driving down a familiar road I drove down every day until leaving for college, with a stop sign off to the side–where cars are supposed to stop their vehicle before getting onto the road we were on. I hear my mom scream some phrase but I can’t remember what it is. I look over to the window he began resting his head on and all I saw were incredibly bright lights. My stomach dropped, my hands immediately went to him, pulling him toward me as if it would do something worth while. Our car spun, glass went everywhere; in my hair, my legs, my hands, my arms. I couldn’t see and all I could do was scream. Suddenly I open my eyes, and he is laying across my legs covered in blood glass and other debris. I was in there alone, my mom had gotten out, shut the door and began to cry knelt down on the cement, hands cupped to her face–leaving me to scream “no” and cradle his limp body in my arms until paramedics showed up 6 minutes and 14 seconds later.
The girl who hit us was texting when she ran a stop sign, “unknowingly” also having a few drinks and speeding up to almost 50 mph. She said she was sorry and “didn’t think anyone was coming” down this road where people are always coming down.
She took him from me, and I’m supposed to pretend it never happened. She made my mom hardly speak and neglect her other kids. She ruined my life..
So here I am, almost 12 years later regretting my whole life. He could’ve been with me everyday through everything, I could have taught him things, he could be coming up to visit me this weekend or we could have just gotten off the phone right now or something. Most importantly, he would be graduating high school this year and be incredibly thrilled about it. He would probably have been a full IB student as me and my older brother were, but more intelligent because he was always the smartest and most curious little kid. Every mistake I make I think he would have never done that, why am I here instead? Why did he tell me to come sit by him when I would have just as easily died sitting in the passengers seat? Why did I have to ask that stupid question? Why am I at fault just as much as that *****?
I don’t know what anyone will think of this. I’ve just never written out what happened before and I’ve always really, really wanted to. I need to get the words out of my head because these memories are all I think about.
10 comments
Your story is absolutely devastating.
I haven’t experienced what you’ve experienced, but I know what that guilt feels like. The gut-wrenching, mind-consuming guilt that eats away at you every day. Even when we know it’s not our fault, and it couldn’t be stopped, we blame ourselves anyway.
I’ve lost someone in a horrible way too. My mother killed herself when I was four, in front of me. I grew up thinking it was my fault, when really the anger was directed at the wrong person.
Unfortunately, anger won’t bring back the people we love, the people we desperately want back.
I am so sorry, and I know this might mean nothing to you because I haven’t been through the same thing you have, but just know that I am so sorry.
No really it helps, I only know two people who have lost family members or someone close and they never talk about it. I guess I don’t either but it would be nice to sometimes say it out loud you know?
I’m sorry for your loss too. Exactly, it really is just so hard to think it isn’t our fault. Everyday I just think like if I didn’t ask to go there or if one little thing changed it would all be ok, but even then you never really know right? people can die at any time any way and maybe there isn’t anything we can do… idk
its just like non-stop thoughts I hate it..
Thank you for sharing your story. Not only does it help others understand your pain, but it also lets you reflect on events which changed your life. I admit, I’ve lost loved ones through violent/unavoidable circumstances, so I feel your pain, still I live every day in their honour, and for these past twelve years, so have you for your little brother.
Never forget the time you shared with him, one day you’ll see him again and have one last ice cream together. Until that time, make him even more proud that you’re his big sister.
Your have my sincere condolences.
ffs get over it your brother is laughing his fkin azz off coz he dont have to put up with u and ur dumb azz mother hes got a better life and dont give a fk now so let him go what does it matter to u? life is death and death is life but still human ignorance creates fear there is no death only love your brother is well and being becoming or not with god let him go be at peace fk i wish i had been that lucky and died early as he saves getting corrupt in a sick fkin world full of idiots let your brother be and look at yourself <3
oh i forgot to say my name is liam i was born on 1/1/85 a buddha in a poor family i gave love all my life this made me become light and aware of my true nature but also hurt me i had to survive and become something im not my heart broke now im healing it 5 yrs on so dont worry life is crazy and shit happends but all is well <3
I’m sorry for your loss, and I think it was very courageous of you to give words to your hurt
That must have been really difficult to share, thanks for doing it, and i’m really sorry for your lost. I know it’s useless to say this, but you are not to blame for what happened even if you feel like that (and most likely you have heard that several times along the years)… just had to say it
That’s really really ignorant of you.
“ffs just get over it”
Have you dealt with loss?
Do you realize that her brother passed away in a very heartbreaking way?
She witnessed his death, she feels as if she is at fault.
Don’t you think that if she could simply “get over it”, she would?
Grief is multiplied when it’s combined with trauma.
That was the most heart breaking story i’ve ever heard. I’m sure your brother is heaven watching over you! Stay strong and don’t ever blame yourself for his death. It was an accident, and even though you’d do anything to get him back, just remember he’s in a better place.
May he rest in peace<3
@Well, what happened is NOT your fault. You asked a simple question. That is all. You had no idea what was going to happen, let alone what pain it was going to bring to you and your family. You are not at fault for this, so please don’t continue to blame yourself.