Holding on by a thread

On Tuesday marks one month since my true soulmate took his life. I have been having a very hard time dealing with it as to be expected. His death came by such a surprise as I am sure most suicides usually do. This is all still so new so please forgive me if I sound cynical or even whinny.
I have known this man for over 22 years and we have 2 grown kids together as well as a granddaughter. We separated 8 years ago due to his drug use. I did not want my kids around that behavior. He eventually got clean and we never stopped communicating over the years. I was and still am madly in love with this man but sometimes circumstances seem to get in the way. We talked daily, helped each other out and remained united for the sake of our children. We occasionally had hook up-as I could never resist him.
Anyway, he always had issues with addictions and anger, never to the point where he hurt anyone, but I always described like he was his own worst enemy. He was found guilty in early 2012 for his 7th DUI. He went to jail on HUBER for 9 months in Oct 2012. He was released in July 2013 and while he was in there we talked about getting back together and trying to make things work again. We could never seem to stay away from one another for very long. We knew a long time ago that we were soul mates and loved the other unconditionally.
Soon after he got out he seemed different in some way and when I tried to talk to him he seemed a little guarded and a bit pissy. A few weeks later he began telling me very strange things, like that our daughter was plotting against him. That she somehow has wired the house to watch him and towards the end was convinced that the cobwebs in the house were some kind of fiber optics that the neighbors had planted in his room. He did admit to me that he was using Adderall and had bought it from a friend of his. He was also prone to depression so mixing that with a drug that causes hallucinations drove him over the edge. The night before he took his life he packed up his truck and told me goodbye. Of course I was very concerned so I convinced him to stay at a hotel and we will talk about everything the next day. I stayed with him awhile and we made love. I left to go home, (we did not live together). The next day, I went over to his house that he shared with our daughter. His truck was there but my daughter said he was in the basement with the radio going and the door locked making a bunch of noise. I didn’t think much of that so I ran my errands and text him a few times. I didn’t hear anything from him at all which started to concern me. So around 8pm on Sat. Oct 19th, I found the love of my life dead in his basement. He hung himself, but was not hanging. He was half laying on the floor, which kind tells me he could have stopped it at any time. Not only was I devastated and now scarred for life, I have been in a state of complete shock and denial. I know if he was in his right mind that he would have never done this. Also after going through all his texts to me and to the kids I truly believe in his drug induced psychosis that he thought we were somehow watching him and that we would stop and save him. I do not know anything for sure and the not knowing is what is driving me insane. Before all of this I was a strong woman that most looked to for stability and understanding. But now only a few short weeks later my world has come to a halt. I have gone through most of the stages of grief already but I just cannot function normally anymore. I feel like I am just a former shell of myself and that I am slipping further and further into this dark place in my head that I may never come back from.