When I was a kid, we used to have the most pathetic Christmases. My step-mother is Ukrainian and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and my dad never really cared. I would always try to make things festive. My dad would usually be on business trips for the rest of the holiday, so Christmas was my one day with him. We never really got around to getting a tree, so I’d draw one and tape it up on the wall. We didn’t bake, didn’t spend time together, didn’t even watch a movie. Sure I got presents, but I’d eventually always go to bed and cry.
I’m 17 now, and alone in an apartment in Canada, about 19 hours away by plane from the rest of my “family.” The last time I spent Christmas with my dad was three years ago. The past two years, they’ve all been two busy, so I’d stay in with a movie or go out and drink/smoke with friends. Not ideal, but I liked to push away the loneliness.
Before my mother killed herself, my dad loved Christmas. I remember how involved he’d get; my mother would make crafts and bake, he and I would go sledding and buy candy canes.
Now, when I go downtown and I see a mother and a daughter, or a family, Christmas shopping and small-talking, I automatically break down.
I can’t hear Christmas music without crying.
I think it’s because it reminds me of what could’ve been.
13 comments
My father killed himself. So I can understand somewhat where you are coming from. Everything changed after his death. My mom, brother and I don’t really spend time together. But when my Dad was alive, we used to all spend time together.
My mother killed herself when I was only 4. I never had the chance to get to know her.
Holidays are especially rough for me… it started snowing today and I absolutely broke down crying.
A very sad story. I would give you a hug if I could. Its horrible your mom left your family like that. I can fully understand why you feel as you do.
Suicide destroys familes, no doubt about it. Maybe you can make some new/better friends to hang out with, Christmas or otherwise. They can give you emotional support.
I know how it feels. I spent some Christmas out at a local landmark/historical building, just sitting there and watching fish. ZI had the key to get in, its a special place, quiet, on the ocean. My parents were out with “our” friends, but I didnt like them because they showed me how they didnt care about my previous girlfriend who almost died in their bathroom while they played cards and ignored her. She was on meds and collapsed, they couldnt care less. I rescued her, called 911. I still do not talk to them to this day, some 20 years later.
Its going to affect you, no doubt about it. But, you will have to find ways to cope. Its going to take time to heal some too.
Right now I cry when I see anything Christmas because my life was just overturned by my wife abandoning me. I personally couldnt care less about holidays the year.
Yes, what could have been. But, think of “what might be” later on, maybe something better. You are young.
Christmas + a visit from the “spirit of what could have been” = hell. Try to not spend it alone even if as you say you just hang out with friends, it is a good distraction, and as Wifeisgone said you are still young, things might get better over time (hopefully)
Can’t spend Christmas with friends…
I’m alone this Christmas, like completely alone. I’m on the other side of the world, so that I can go to a psychologist. All of my friends are in Europe.
I’m sorry about that… maybe you could meet some people before christmas? (not just to spend christmas with them, but sometimes one meets people without even wanting it), if not i guess at least there’s gonna be some people lurking this page on christmas (i know i will)
If you were 19+ we could have met up and gone for a drink. Shame that you’re not. I hope you won’t have to be alone. 🙁
How much time can someone replay all the coulda woulda shoulda scenarios about something that can never be changed?
Create new traditions – bake for yourself – or for a homeless shelter – volunteer, invite friends or coworkers over – anything … but do something new and forward looking … because groundhog day never changes.
you have my sincere condolences for your loss … now go have a snowball fight with the neighbors
change dawg
Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it.
Unfortunately I don’t think I’m in the state to be making friends… My anxiety’s been acting up, things just haven’t been going my way.
“How much time can someone replay all the coulda woulda shoulda scenarios about something that can never be changed?”
Exactly one lifetime.
exactly.
That’s ok, you’re still only young. I think it will take a few more years.
anxiety needs to be treated. I speak from experience. You can’t do it alone without help.