I am so unwell.
This house is quite still..
The air is bitter cold and the streets are a lonely shade of shell white.
I consistently long to see the same color underneath my skin. A quick slit severed into my copiously scarred canvas. The split second to ten before the blood red pumps in from the heart, fills over the tissue, and does away with my awe. What comes next is tranquility. Warmth. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I need more.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Until I can’t take it. The whole routine is enthralling, really, but I won’t get into it.. Anyways.. I know that soon I will disappear. I often ponder why I’m even still here. I grew up dreaming of a life full of adventure and wound up with an existence built on regret.
AND THIS IS ALL THERE IS.
Maybe someday I will wander out of hell and into reality.
Fuck sanity…
Is anyone out there? ;(
11 comments
I am here. Im in darkness as well. But I am here.
That is not all there is… there is more, it just takes longer for some of us to see it (and some of us never do).
I hope I will before I have to give up.
It all just seems like so much effort to put into dying.
Living takes more effort.
When I say dying I essentially mean living. Death is ultimately what we’re all living for.
Sweetheart, try talking to a live person about this. What do you have to lose, but false pride?
Oh, I have. Been in and out of so many doctors and on and off so many medicines.. Now is the time to pretend I’m okay.. I know there are no answers and they want me to waste my time searching for them anyways, what is the point?
Try praying.
You should read up on why I am here (if you dont know).
Try it, coz I believe God saved me that night. He can save you too, try it.
Theoretically I should be dead, but I always prayed, even long before my abandonment.
“I know there are no answers and they want me to waste my time searching for them anyways…”
Similarly, i know there ARE answers, but i cannot access them without specific types and amounts of help… but ‘they’ just want me to find different answers, instead of the ones i already know i need. The help i want exists, but isn’t available to me. The things i want to do, can technically be done, but i am not allowed, or i am only allowed through disproportionately excessive risk, which will almost certainly result in failure and further ruination of life.
“what is the point?”
Because what else can you do?
hope you will, hope we all do honestly 🙂