I dont think i could ever really do it although one tine i came dangerously close.
I think about it. I understand i dont necessarily want to die that i just want THIS life to end, to change but… Sometimes change seems impossible or too slow or too far away. I think about it a lot and really wish i could.
My progress, my improvements don’t seem like enough. I think I’ll never be good enough, sane enough.
Tonight I wish I could but would be too embarrassed to be found. Sometimes I get my brothers Ranger knife and hold it, think about it. Right now I’m laying in bed with it. It feels cold and the metal is soothing. Â I won’t, not tonight, probably never, but Sometimes I really want to.
Sometimes I just want it to end to change but i dont believe it ever will.
4 comments
I can relate to you, I don’t want to die. I just want my life to end. I’ve tried to kill myself many times over and sadly I’ve failed every time. I’m not going to try to convince you things will get better someday because I don’t think anything ever will at this rate in my life and I can’t deny that you could be in a much worse position. But I want you to know that there’s someone out here who hears you. Someone who understands you. Hang in there man, you can do it.
Hey, Adam.
Suicide is a lot like my old car, in that, the further away you get from it, the better it looks.
Is change possible at a meaningful and satisfactory pace? It is. However, you must be honest with yourself about it in this way. If you knew why you feel the way you do, you could, perhaps, see your way out. Clearly, anyone locked in a cycle of suicidal thought does not see the cause or he/she would stop.
Implied in the above is this: if you do not understand why the darkness comes, you will also not really understand how to deal with it. The admission of not knowing is important, because it opens up all possibility as to what may help.
One single idea, whole and holy, will help. Traditionally, that idea is God, the Source, Omniscient, Omnipotent, All in all.
Does it have to be God? No, not if you hate that idea. It could be Consciousness, the Buddha or Samadhi, Transcendence, Truth, or any of the limitless number of names for what can not, and need not be, named.
In any case the practice is to focus on this Idea. In the beginning it requires only a minute or so per day. As the attitude shifts from one of discipline to devotion, the time increases gradually and effortlessly. In the end there is little time that does not include the awareness of the Idea that brought the Light.
You may feel attracted to this approach. If so, I can help. If not, you might think about what it is in your own, personal Idea that you do not want to spend time with. Quite honestly, everyone has some resistance at first, so this is entirely normal. The real question is whether you are willing to overcome your own resistance for just a little each day. If not, simply admit that you have other plans for your time and other goals more worthy of your efforts. No one is judging you, but yourself.
G.W.
I think the answer’s Jesus.
I guess that most of us hang on just hoping something will change but know deep inside that maybe it will never happen… who knows? life seems to be a random lottery ticket, you cannot even pick the numbers but you just hope for the best… the difference between wanting to die and not wanting to is huge tho, that alone can make you carry on and find reasons to overcome the hard times.