im not one to spill my whole life to anyonen nevermind a site full of strangers. but this has all built up to the point of me exploding.
first of i am a twenty seven year old single mom withs ptsd depression and severe anxiety. my kids sperm sperm donors want  nothing to do with them in exception for one whom she lives with
so heres my sttory and i apologize for the length. when i was only eighteen i had my daughter. i felt amazing about it….. until i found out that i had caught a virus and was severely handicapped and i was urged to have an abortion by anyone and everyone around me. doctors parents siblings absolutely everyone. i decided to carry to term and have her. she was veryy sick through out the first three months of life and we had almost lost her several times
i went on to have two very healthy boys after her who were apprehended two years ago. two amazing smart well behaved gentle little boys that i raised all by myself. they were apprehended due to no other reason than my mental health. they were never neglected never ignored and there was no lack of love
recently they have been adopted despite all the burning hoops ive jumped through. ive done absolutely everything childrens services have asked of me. i have psych assesments drs letters and even a parent capacity test done by them stating that i am fully capable of taking care of them. i have had some suicide attempts after they were taken. they are everything to me and without them i am nothing.
when i had told my mother the traumatizing news her responce was well maybe its time to accept it and move on. how can i when they make me who i am and keep my heart in tact.
i cant wait another thirteen years for them to come find me. i need them to survive
3 comments
Broken Angel,
I hear your pain and respect what you are enduring. What happened to your little girl? Is she still with you?
As to the boys, to make them responsible for your self worth and purpose in life is a tremendous burden to place on a child, even more as they grow into teenagers. I do hope you can eventually have a relationship with them. Are you seeing a therapist who can help you overcome your grief? I hope so. And I hope the families they have been placed with are taking good care of your sons.
For now, the best you can do for them is to do what is best for you so that you can be a healthy and supportive mother when you find them someday.
I wish for you all the support you need to continue so that you will be there for them later in life when they are older.
seems like everyone else caused her mental illness, and then voted her incompetent when she couldn’t handle all that unjust pressure from all angles, all at once, and then took her other kids away, because of the bullshit everyone else put her through, for no reason, which then caused even more damage, which it seems nearly no one is willing to help repair.
And people act like i’m “being negative” when i say this world disgusts and sickens me.
It’s a well-known fact that CPS “apprehends” children sometimes without any justification, based almost entirely on unfounded accusations and hearsay. These days, you can almost literally just make up a blatant lie, and get someone’s kids taken away from them.
My guess is that this person would be having a nice life, if so many around her hadn’t decided to treat her like garbage.
This is one of the types of scenarios that leads to my advising against ever making oneself a target. “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.”
I apologize, I just realize what I had written. It wasn’t me that was left handicapped, it was my daughter. The virus had attacked her and reproduced. She has Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy, she’s hearing impaired and visually impaired. She is now 8 years old and lives with her father. I did what I felt was the most selfless act and what was best for her and gave custody to the one person I knew could give her the attention she needed. Not that I wasn’t willing to, its just that I wasn’t able to with caring for my boys full time with no help. However, I am able to see her any time I want.
I understand what you mean by placing the burden upon my children of them having to be my whole world, however, when that’s all I’ve got in my life, I’m going to cling to it. I have abandonment issues and have never wanted my children to feel the way I do every day.
CAS has also used the “we don’t want history to repeat itself” card. I was beat growing up…… badly, just about every day. Remembering back to when I was 2, I was burned with curling irons, cigarettes, punched in the mouth, “disiplined” with just about anything….. belts, branches, fists, feet etc., lifted off my feet and hung with my own hoodie, my head was bounced off and through walls…………
I started cutting when I was 14, not to try and kill myself, and not for attention either, but because I felt that my physical pain counteracted the emotional. I was also verbally and emotionally abused. Being told I was fat (Ihave never been a big person) and “retarded”, I’ll never amount to anything in my life, why can’t I be more like my brothers or sister and so on.
One of my teachers saw the marks and bruises on me and had noticed I was losing a lot of weight (I had stopped eating all together) and rushed me to the hospital. I was forced to live back at home (I had run away) by a child psych and monitered by the police after my mom had put on a mask and turned a blind eye to the abuse, instead of leaving my abuser. CAS had done an investigation and at the time some of my siblings were under the age of 16 and she says to me “if I lose my kids, I want nothing to do with you”
I was literally locked in a basement until my mom pulled me out of school and kicked me out at the age of 17.
I vowed to never allow my children to hurt the way I did. I have never laid a hand on them, however they are brilliant, well behaved children.
They are all I’ve got and I don’t expect them to take care of me, and they know that. They don’t know what I’ve been through and never will. But they do keep my from falling apart and now that I am not allowed to have any contact, I am.