lost?

Am I lost, or am I just in new territory.  Today I sit here.. confused I guess.  Wondering if I really am back together.. or what?  I started ‘feeling better’ in April.. is it coincidence that I started feeling better when I started dating someone new?  Or have i just become a dependant?  I dont know.. I try not to think about it..but damn its hard.  Maybe its my hormones….Im a transsexual, and transitioned at the age of 19, im 34 now..  I ran out of hormones a few weeks ago due to a shipping screw up.  That really sucked.  Maybe its my shitty fucking neighbors.  Maybe Im worried about my job my boss is going to retire, and I gotta get out there on my own.  I just feel fucking weird today.. but all in all.. better than I did at the begining of the year.  Im not really sure what has happened, and if I told you the story, I think you’d say WTF too.  That depression almost killed me.. now?  I guess Im doing alright, but I have weird days.  Days like today, where I just feel off.. part of me feels very emotional, but I cant cry ..  I seem to be only able to cry every 4 or so years.. and usually thats about when shit goes epic crazy, and my life turns upsidedown.  I dont know why its every 4 years, but really its not just me.. everything usually crashes down around me..    I have some solace in the fact that, Ive got another 4 years now before it happens again I guess.  What can I do better this time?  I feel like a fucking newborn baby..   and really? I dunno.. Do I love him? yeah I do… shit is spooky syncronous around him.  Its weird cuz I never loved a man before… then again.. I suppose he’s not a man anyways, now he wants to be a girl like me.. Im cool with it I guess.  I am bisexual.. my ex lover of 9 yrs was a very attractive lesbian girl.  And then there is that.. I still love her so fucking much.. but yeah I broke up with her.. and it destroyed me.. I almost pulled that fucking trigger.    Then there was the sociopath.. the man who used me and fucked me over, then played my one female friend against me, and ran off with her.. who the fuck knows whats up with her.. I miss her too. but she also treated me shitty sometimes..  I guess i sound like a real loon, and possibly a nympho.. and well.. I cant argue with that.  I dunno.. you break up with your gf of 9 yrs, get involved in a triad with a man and a woman who are both emotionally unstable.. oh lets not forget you help destroyed the womans marriage to a different man, your only truck breaks down, your best friend near you dies of cancer, and that sociopath man who treated you like a woman, and was sweet, calls you a man, just to hurt you.. all the while your ex lover lives with you for 6months, your opiat addicted cousin stays with you for two weeks, then to top that off.. your ex and your cousin fuck around in your own house… and then there is that.. after everyones gone because you are a suicidal wreck and they never gave a shit about you.. you are alone in this big fucking empty house,, where you and your ex were gonna live together forever.  You have your two dogs, and maybe thats the real reason you never pulled the fucking trigger.  Somehow I came outa that.. I met a nice guy who I just knew was too good to be true.. well its not.. but he’s not a man.. i guess that doesnt bother me at all, but its fucking weird you know…. My house isnt so empty with him here, but he does work alot.  He’s so sweet to me..treats me right.. and I wonder did all that really happen in a years time?  lost I guess.. I dont feel too bad now though.. but I am still confused.