My Forgotten Existence

I apologise for the length of this but I wanted to truly explain what the causes of my depression are. I’m fourteen, far to young for this I know and I have suffered from major depression for seven years now, I’ve attempted suicide multiple times, I’ve tried everything from hanging to burning to stabbing myself and everything’s failed miserably due to bad luck or my own lack of a decent pain threshold, all of my issues stem from when I was seven years old. When I was seven a lot of stuff happened, I had 4 near death experiences at the beach alone and ended up avoiding large bodies of water until I was ten, my grandad died with my last words to him being ‘Knowing you I bet you’ll sleep forever’, a kid I knew was hit by a car, I almost died from pneumonia and had less than an hour to live when I got to the hospital and then not a few months later almost died from pneumonia again and got to the hospital with approximately an hour left to live again, I was consistently haunted by nightmares every night about basically everything, my epilepsy had worsened a lot, my dads business went bankrupt, we went broke, sold our house, my mum and dad got divorced, every last one of my friends abandoned me as always (I’ve never had a friend who knows anything about my past stick around for more than a year) After all my friends left me my social anxiety and paranoia went to a ludicrous point and I didn’t and still don’t really trust anyone in the slightest. Things were going pretty terrible for me and kept getting worse all through primary, by high school I’d tried to kill myself numerous times for the simple fact that I was sick of feeling nothing and figured I was worth next to nothing anyway so basically I was nothing and may as well be dead. I tried everything from burning to hanging to jumping out a two story window to an extremely futile attempt to flood the house so I could drown and sadly because of extremely bad luck and bad timing I failed at every single one. Which is really annoying because I’ve failed at so many suicide attempts I’ve actually lost count of how many times I’ve tried them. Anyway when I got to high school year 7 was ok but I was a bit of a loner and then in year eight I really was a loner. I had about five friends in total and one of them would just stab me with a pen or scissors if I did anything that annoyed him. Other than that I had no friends whatsoever and because I wasn’t friends with any girls people began to think I was gay which to be perfectly honest did quite a number on my self esteem. After a while I just decided I was worthless once again and tried to kill myself with a knife but being cowardly and all couldn’t actually go through with it. This year was awful as usual, still had friends abandoning me and turning on me and hating me, still self harmed (btw I hate scars so I’d just stab the palm of my right hand generally or cut it but not deep enough to scar usually, though there’s a few scars there which is why I always have it closed especially when people mention cutting) and I was still failing at killing myself and self harming alot and all when at some party I met the first person I’ve ever really liked. I fell madly in love with this girl, lets call her Emily. Now I’ve never actually liked anyone other than Emily before mainly because I’ve been a loner most of the time, I have social anxiety and because I’ve been to busy trying to figure out how to feel anything at all. So I was pretty surprised when I realised I liked Emily. I was even more surprised when I actually got together with her. I was actually happy for a while which for me was pretty goddamn incredible so yeah that month or two was like the best I’ve had in seven years? I spent all of my time I could around Emily and I was admittedly fairly clingy. I loved Emily more than anything else on Earth and for the first time in seven years I was happy to be alive. Then out of nowhere she broke up with me. I was devastated to say the least because even though I knew we wouldn’t last very long due to the fact that everyone ends up hating me I was stupid enough to hope otherwise, when she broke up with me I immediately went right back into cutting and stuff and then a mutual friend of ours began hating me as did some other people and after a while I just kind of lost it at everyone. Because I had a complete breakdown at them all they found out about my past and they all just hated me even more for it. Also the mutual friend of me and Emily’s told the school that I was suicidal as revenge for a secret of hers I accidentally gave out through a missent message three months ago. I was forced into the counselors office and interrogated for fifteen minutes. This was my worst nightmare come true because my social anxiety plays up most around adults, strangers and people who are trying to make me open up to them. It was made even more horrible because when I was seven a counselor tried to convince me to kill my parents but no one ever believed me that she was egging me on. The day after our schools camp, not three weeks ago now, I tried to burn myself to death but since fire really hurts I ended up putting myself out (good job me I am amazing am I not?) so yet another failed suicide there and then basically that’s where I am now. I was forced to promise one of my last remaining friends that I wont self harm for the rest of the month after she realised I tried to kill myself again but I was still devastated over Emily who I still love very dearly but she now hates me and even talks about me behind my back saying what a stupid idiotic hypocrite I am and how much she hates me. So because of that I have spent the last week simply regretting promising my friend anything and I miss when I was with Emily cause I was happy then and I’ve had my worst fear become a reality and I’m spiraling back into depression and a want to die. No one loves me, everyone hates me and I fail at everything I do. The worst part is I know that my life isn’t even that bad, there are heaps of people out there way worse off than me and I’m still such an ungrateful egotistical horrible little brat that I can’t even accept the little problems in my life and move on from them. But really I’m beginning to wonder if it even matters since everyone forgets about my existence eventually anyway.