My suicide

I never thought I would consider suicide as an option. If I’m online trying to find reasons not to kill myself, it gives me hope that maybe I don’t really want to die. That sounds weak. I’ve been accused of being weak, and it was spewed at me in a not nice way. I finished reading the last book of a trilogy that was going to become my favorite books of all time. At the end, the lead character dies. It didn’t make sense to me. It still doesn’t. I’m still trying to get it through my head, to process what happened at the end of the book, to make the author of the trilogy decide that the lead character was going to die. Life is shitty. I’m blunt. But honestly, life is shitty. I have one friend. I have a few others, but for the most part, I have one friend. I tend to call things what they are, and having people who will hang out with you, but you can’t share what’s going through your mind (if it happens to be deep and might actually affect your life)- then I don’t consider them friends. I come from a single parent home, with a family that is judgmental when they want to be and supportive when they feel like it. I dropped out of college a few years ago, and as much as I claim to be going back every semester, I haven’t been able to. I am currently unemployed (that is a huge problem right now), and with little prospects. It might have to do with my shitty attitude and how much I hate hypocrites… and maybe people in general. If I find someone who I can actually stand, then I don’t let them go, because it is so rare for me. Mainly, people can’t put up with me. I’m too blunt, straightforward, and I have too many opinions. People aren’t fond of that, and because of that, I block them out. Yup, it’s what I do. I put up barriers whenever I can’t. In my experience, trusting people leads to nothing but disappointments. But that isn’t the problem, not right now at least. It isn’t like my cynicism hasn’t caused me problems in the past… because it has. I’m not exactly the easiest person to get along with. I guess I understand why people like to stay away from, shying away like I have the plague. But in moments like right now… when I want to kill myself…. I just wish I wasn’t so alone.

I write for a site online, and I have plenty of followers. They are currently angry at me because I haven’t uploaded the latest chapter yet. It’s all good, they tend to forgive me. I kind of wonder what they would say if they knew that I might not come back from this one. It isn’t the first time I consider suicide, but I have never been this close to actually killing myself. I can kind of feel it, ya know. The other side reaching out to me, trying to pull me away. For the past hour, I have been crying nonstop. I wear glasses, and crying with glasses is probably one of the most annoying things. Well, I didn’t mind it much this time. That was one of the signs telling me I am really more on the other side than here. I told my mom I was reading the last book of what could have been my favorite trilogy, series, and books of all times. She mocked me, and said that with all the problems I have, why the hell am I crying over a stupid book. It was stupid of me to tell her that the lead in the book had died at the end. I was about to tell her what that meant for me. Those books had given me hope. Books and writing are all I have. I make no money out of it (which is probably one of the reasons I’m always so goddamned depressed), but they are still my life. I know characters and book and stories better than I know a lot of people around me. When you’re considering suicide or when life is shitty, trust me (at least that’s how it’s happening to me) the smallest thing can trigger your mind to tell you that life is truly a ***** and you’re better off… offing yourself. That’s exactly how I feel right now. I went to this suicide website that had some “jokes” to make you laugh and distract you from your suicidal thoughts. All I could think of was that it was cool that I was going to get a few laughs in before I was finally away.

The worst part of this is that my mom is totally going to feel like crap when she finds me gone (if I actually have the courage [or cowardice, however you want to look at it] to go through with it). My grandpa is in the hospital right now, and my grandma who has dialysis done three times a week isn’t far off from him. My mom really has so much more to worry about, and it makes me feel selfish to go through with it. Yeah, that’s probably why I’m still here, typing away and trying to find a reason not to pull the trigger (metaphorically). If I do it, I’m going through with it using a knife, which is currently sitting right beside my laptop and looking tempting. God, I really wish God wouldn’t consider suicide a sin. It’s kind of scary to think that this weakness of not wanting to live anymore is only going to take me to hell. There, another thing to think about. How much worse and hotter hell will be. Damn….