My Suicide Attempt

Hi! My name is Makayla, and I am a teenaged girl. I used to have friends and I was always happy and smiling. There was never a time when I wasn’t smiling! I decided to make an account on ask.fm because everybody was doing it and so I decided I should too to try and “fit in”. So everything was good, I would get a few questions here and there, but then all of the sudden, someone called me a dirty slut. I was confused and wondered who said it so I answered them and said “screw you.” I didn’t let this get to me because I thought it was just someone trying to get under my skin. Keep in mind that I am so self conscious of myself because things like this used to happen in the past and it brought my self esteem down, like way down. Anyways, I kept getting very hateful things being said to me and it tore me apart. I didn’t think anyone could be this mean to someone. I cried over ask.fm so many times, but refused to shut it down because this is what the “cool kids” have. All I wanted to do was fit in, why was that so hard for me? I would literally sit my room at night and cry my eyes out. Slut, whore, *****, ****, worthless piece of shit, ******, retard, hoe. These are the names people would call me. I thought it would just stay on ask.fm so I didn’t close it down. But then it followed me to school. People would tell me in the hall “Go kill yourself.” It was tearing me apart. I heard these names so many times I actually started to believe the things people were saying to me. I felt like I didn’t fit in with anyone. People started spreading rumors that I would go around and have sex with anything I could. I was the “school slut.” I had one boyfriend the whole school year! All of my friends left me because they were embarrassed to be seen with me out in public. I only have one friend now, and she is just as depressed as me. Nobody liked me, and when I would try to sit by someone at lunch, the would turn their back and just ignore me. I was so empty. I thought about suicide everyday, all day. I felt as if there was no way out and that nobody would care if I died. I started to cut myself every night to stop the pain. It worked for a little bit, but not for long. I thought I was getting better, but then it started again. I asked my mom if I could move schools, but she said I can’t run away from my problems. I tried telling my mom what was going on and she broke down in tears because she never wanted to see me like this. I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that I won’t wake up the next morning. My ask.fm was blown up with mean, hateful things like “Go kill yourself. Nobody wants you here anyways.” or “How much can I pay you to get in your pants? Probably one cent you cheap slut.” I had enough. I was so alone and had nothing else to do but to kill myself. I took 85 pills all at once and cut my wrists open. I laid there until suddenly I got really dizzy and my eyes began to close. I finally was dying and all the pain and suffering was done. I could be happy now. But then the next morning, I woke up and ran to the bathroom throwing up the pills. When I got into the shower, I instantly passed out. I still wanted to die, and it felt like I was. My eyes were trying to close, everything went black. All I remember is waking up on my bathroom floor. I was terrified. When I passed out, I hit my head very hard on the counter. I got up and quickly got ready, not knowing what to do. I lied to my mom and said I tripped and fell. When I got home from school that day, I tried to do it again. I thought if I took enough pills my liver would shut down and then I would slowly die. I didn’t care if it was a painful death, it couldn’t have been worse than the pain I was already feeling. I had nobody to go to because my only friend told me if I kill myself, she was going to kill herself too. (I tell her everything) I tried drinking away the pain, smoking away the pain, but nothing worked. I was done. I still am done. I try to keep my head up high, but it doesn’t work always. I always keep my best friend’s head up so she never feels the way I felt. Still today I get mean comments on ask.fm