New member but frequent visitor!

So I guess I should tell you all a little about me.

I’m a 31 year old dude living in Atlanta. Just moved here from CA as a direct result of my depression. I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. As a young kid me and my sister were molested by our uncle on multiple occasions. We were told to get naked and perform sex acts on each other…….I was 4 when it started my sis was 6. We didnt know it was wrong but he always said it was a secret, we occasionally were drugged with something that made me forget stuff. Our family eventually moved out of town but me and my sis and now my younger brother engaged in sexual acts with each other. We didnt know it was bad but knew to keep it a secret. Eventually we grew out of it. But as I became a teenager and more mature I realized what we had been doing was not normal, and I developed a strong sense of shame and guilt that I carry to this day. We never say a word about it, sometimes I wonder if they even remember?

Fast forward to 17-18 and I start experimenting with alvohol and drugs as an escape from the shame. Eventually I became an opiate addict. I tried cutting, punching, weed, alcohol, but nothing seemed to make my life seem just a little better like vicofin, oxycontin, or heroin.  I was a smart kid and always maintained a 4.0, I dream of becoming a nurse and am almost there but my depression is like a ball n chain always making my progress slow. I constantly think of ways to make the pain and guilt and thoughts go away. I am let down every morning when I wake up, I just want to fall asleep and live in a constant dream. I have access to guns and 2 weeks ago laid in the bathtub for 2 hours with the safety off and one in the chamber just praying my finger could twitch and blow my brains out and release me. But I’m scared, what if after this life the next is even worse?

Sorry for the book but I just needed to vent