howdy folks.
this is my first post here and I am too exhausted to write something meaningful right now… and perhaps what is meaningful will not be a part of the remaining portion of my existence. I have been an accomplice in my slow and inexorable annihilation for too much time and now I have to say, with sadness in my heart, that my last departure is scheduled. Just a little bit more of one week ago I received the ultimate coup de grace from one of two people that I thought were my family. She has abandoned me when I explained what is asperger syndrome and I told her that this is my case – I recently received a professional diagnosis (with retroactive value) about it, and I am sure that I suffer of this autism spectrum disorder because I have almost all the symptoms-. Being abandoned after I tried to explain the pathogenesis of some behavioral disorders was the worst humiliation of my life. Now I disgust myself more than ever. … being abandoned with indifference, think on lies that I thought was true makes me feel like a ghost, and this is my hell. I am so sick of feeling a ghost. the other person of two people that I shortly talked about before has disappeared without advice. they were like my caregivers, my family, reference point, key figures, reference point, … and I loved them :’ (. Maybe right now I am into a shutdown, maybe I am close to my definitive collapse, but, without doubt, I am close to suicide. suicide will be my christmas gift, but I am willing to anticipate it. I spent a pretty quiet week until a few days ago, I was mentally isolated and I spent almost all of my time watching anime, watching good cinema, reading a lot, classifying dinosaurs, chatting and hearing on the skype phone some virtual friends all the night to exorcise nocturn anxiety, playing at LEGO and going outside to play football just one time and this mental isolation has been really really helpful to convince myself that they would come back sooner or later, but, as I said in the incipit, just few days ago I had the proof that the abandonment would have been conclusive and my world is crumbling all around me. Now I can’t go back into a mental isolation state and do what I like, I feel like a walking corpse, a rotten corpse… like a ghost. I’ve lost everything, everyone, everything that matters to me.
23 comments
Stay alive and prove to yourself and them how strong you are instead of caring so much for their help. You’ll find many new friends if you participate to events where people talk specifically about what you’re going to deal with.
A lot of posts on here are quite sad, but ones like this really hit me to the core.
Abandonment….. in my opinion, its easier to take if that person dies than it is to be abandoned by them. I am going through this now…. my “wife” of 14 years…. she doesn’t care about anything but herself. Just today I found out she ordered an Iphone online (coz the company called this house looking for her, and told me why).
When it comes down to it, these types of “people” are not people at all, but a physical manifestation of a devil (really).
I believe the only way to deal with what you are going through is to pray.
I know, what you are dealing with something severe, its terrible to be abandoned.
I’ll pray for you as well.
Hi outrageous, thanks for your answer.
Even if we grant for the sake of argument that you’re right and I am strong as you said (and nope, I disagree with this viewpoint for many reasons), I think that this is a marginal point for the question, because I mainly posed the issue in terms of affection and consequently I can’t conceive to replacing them with someone else, because their affective meaning is an unicum for me and right now I feel like a black-hole.
Another question is: even if it were true that I’m strong enough to overcome adversity by myself and just alone, what kind of meaning can I give to my life if I lose my reference mark and family? Obviously life is always meaningless, but if it is also a self-referential spiral is an hell. I don’t want feel like a ghost.
From my point of view, people I love aren’t like toys that, when they break or get lost, I have to replace with anything new: I can’t accept this view. For me, the most meaningful relationships are unicum and if the torments of grief and sadness of abandonment are the price for exposing myself emotionally so I am available to pay, but in this case it isn’t worth living. It’s pretty similar to the hedgehog’s dilemma of schopenhauer.
But maybe I don’t deserve to be loved and a place that I can call my house. maybe I am like a monster, probably I am just wrong.
Hi Wifeisgone. thanks for your emotional support and your empathy
…and yes, this time I’ll pray for me too.
Why the hell u want to shock your family xmas day? Delay it to another date. I’ll draw back from this stage quietly without ruining anybody’s life.
to be honest, melissa, I suppose that in the worst case the maximum risk is just the possibility to ruin the christmas day, not a whole lifetime (it’s an exaggerated estimate of the damages, trust me). Anyway *of course* I am not interested to this point for various reasons (and, again: trust me, they are all motivated reasons).
Given your mental state, trusting your judgment is asking a bit much. Talk to someone. Suicide on Christmas!!? And a fine ho ho ho to you, sir.
If u feel alone, so me too. I’m here to be friend & listen 🙂 .
I hate to say this, but for once I somewhat agree with G.W., don’t do it on x-mas… Look, I am neither encouraging or discouraging you from taking your life, it’s your life, I don’t know you…. But what is a few days? And I’m not even Christian, I don’t believe in any religion…. But seriously, what is a few days? I mean Christmas is a day of the year I’m sure your family looks forward to, lets not ruin what could be a good final moment with them, enjoying their company, making your final rounds with your loved ones… That’s the least you could give them, not saying you owe them anything.
I too have Asperger Syndrome, but this is not why I am suicidal…. It’s more complicated than that….. If it’s women issues, my advice is you shouldn’t off yourself over that, you can always get hookers if your old enough, I understand having sexual needs, it’s only human. At least your junk is working (I’m assuming). It’s not really worth it to be too emotionally or intimately involved with western women these days, tons of drama, being bled for money (that you may not even have), the hitlist of impossible demands, it’s really not even worth it. I’d suggest finding other hobbies….
But i can’t tell you what to do with your life, it’s yours to live, or to not live.
good morning everyone, sorry for my late reply.
First things first, as I’ve already pointed out, I don’t think that my suicide takes place during the christmas day in view of the fact that probably i’ll commit suicide no later than early next three weeks. so don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt your christmas day (and yeah, there is a bit of sarcasm because, according to statistics reported, the holy christmas time has the highest suicide rate of all the holiday, so I give a fine “ho ho ho” to you too, sir G.W). Second point, yes, snake, you are really aspie from what I can infer from your misunderstandings about what I talked in my opening post : p (I apologise for my sarcasm if it sounds offensive, it wasn’t my intention): I’ve never talked about a “women issues” because *of course* it’s not my case (and nope, I have no interest in sexual needs because I am asexual and I am like a child from this viewpoint), in fact always in my opening post I’ve talked about two person\key figures – and not just an only one- and if I talked about her more than him it’s because I recently had more problems and disappointments with her and also for other factors. anyway nothing in common with your interpretation, and if you need to classify the kind of issue maybe it’s more appropriate to refer about this case like a family problem or something like that (but, to be honest, the doubts about the possibility of being deceived by them and by my wishful thinking are increasing day after day, hour after hour, and this is undermining my sanity and makes me feel more paranoid than ever. it’s really really really horrible.). Last but not least, I agree with you, snake, when you told that asperger syndrome isn’t the cause of suicidal thoughts, however this kind of autistic disorder makes myself more vulnerable to developing a deep depression state if it’s in conjunction with other disturbing factors, and in fact the last of these disturbing factors are the abandonment by them and the belief that I have been deceived: of course I’m not going to assume that all of the recent developments of my depression was caused by their behaviour -especially her behaviour- (and nevertheless I am deeply grateful to them for all the help and affect they gave to me), but I think that if her abandonment obviously wasn’t the cause of my depression state, so it will be the cause of my coupe de grace, it’s the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.
@melissa suicidal: yes, we can talk whenever you want.
I am so sad that it physically hurts me right now
I see. You do whatever you feel is right.
I have been crying for the passed two hours, I’ve been crying for the passed two hours. I’ve been crying for the passed two hours, I’ve been crying two hours. I’ve been crying for the passed two hours. I’ve been crying for the passed two hours. I have been crying for the passed two fuckin’ hours and I’m starting to cry again right now, holy crap. I spent all the last few weeks keeping happily busy myself as fully as possible and as best as I can and sometimes I was able to make myself happy, but I can’t go on to sweep all the traumatic thoughts under the carpet but right now is too full to hide something else and the carpet is brimming with all the crap it was able to contain inside it. I can’t calm myself down, I can’t calm myself down, I can’t calm myself down. Probably nobody will read what I’m writing now because my last reply was more than ten days ago, but I don’t care about it. Nevermind nevermind nevermind. Anxiety is overflowing in my body, while I’m writing I’m feeling an hell inside my mind. a stream of consciousness flows down into the storm and it drains straight to hell. So what happened to me a couple of weeks ago hit me deeply to the soul – her abandonment and what I supposed to be his abandonment (but maybe I was wrong at this point, but at the moment I don’t know and probably later will be the same ’cause I don’t understand anymore a damn, I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING)-: I feel so fuckin’ ridiculous to cry for that, I feel ashamed but I can’t stop it. WHY??? WHY?? WHY????????? WHY????????? being abandoned after I tried to explain a piece of myself and the reason of some behavioral pattern of mine from the person who had my total trust in her because she always told me “you must trust me because we will be always your family and I’ll never do anything that can hurt ’cause I consider you like a son” and other bullshits like that. And before be abandoned she told me that she had lied to me, so being deceived and abandoned are my last update of life. Probably what she told to me in the past she will tell to someone else in the future because I understand that she only says what she thinks that her interlocutor wants to hear by her. so i’m not special, i’m not a piece of family, like a son or the other bullshits gave to me. so I was deceived. I AM A CHILDISH DUMBASS, AN IDIOT, A CHILDISH ASSHOLE and I’m ready to go to hell. I’m ridiculous. I hate myself more than ever, why am I so stupid to give my trust to a person who tells to everyone “welcome to my family”? I am an asshole, I am an asshole, I am an asshole. I am really childish and that makes me easy to deceive. So I spent an happy few weeks (were spent in the same way I used to spent my time in the happy years ago, before depression), but now the few happy weeks are on them last legs and my mind it’s on his last legs too. yesterday I stopped all the activities that kept me busy happily and peacefully and I started to torment myself about with how much indifference she has abandoned me and how I felt alone without them. the sense of emptiness due to the thoughts of being deceived fills me of sadness. I feel so ridiculous, I can’t believe it, I am so ashamed that I want hurt myself and I’m getting thoughts of self-harm. I feel like a ghost :’ ( am I really so disgusting to deserve to be abandoned after do an attempt to explain myself? I hate me. why am I so creepy? I want to stop thinking. and I want to stop live. and I promise I’ll commit suicide.
___
sorry for my chaotic stream of consciousness.
so being deceived and abandoned are my last update of life.
<—–I can fully relate. Its horrible, and why I went out on Aug. 30th and tried to end it all.
But hang in there, it lessens over time.
Ask me how I know.
Hello.
Firstly, as a complete stranger writing to you from thousands of miles away I’d like to say that I feel your pain and I’m so, so, so sorry that somebody has treated you with such little compassion.
You won’t believe me when I tell you that even this dark hole you find yourself in is temporary. The brain and the soul have miraculous abilities to heal and recover from psychological pain and I promise you – from my own painful experiences – that you can beat this. It won’t neccersarily be easy or quick. But you can be happy again.
First step, you need to see a doctor in order to get some medication that will help you stabilise your seratonin levels and assist you in finding a firm place to stand in your own heart and head.
Second step, you need to try and recognise that anybody who could abandon you and hurt you like this isn’t worth feeling so upset over. They’re not even worth feeling angry about. Ultimately, you should pity somebody who is that damaged and incomplete as a person that they have so little compassion and understanding for another person.
Third step. Recognise that there is always hope. Always. In your case, there is hope that you’ll be happy again abd will continue to live your life and explore this world. People have, throughout history, overcome insane obstacles, struggles, disadvantages and pain in order to simply keep living and in order to reach the end of their story. I know that you can too. I know that you don’t want to close your book early; that would be too easy. Keep fighting, keep going, don’t give up. You never know what’s going to happen in the coming chapters…
today I officially chose the date where my suicide takes place. Until this date I need to write over and over to exorcise my anxiety and decrease as much as possible my panic attack. I can call that a form of therapeutical writing (or placebo writing) before to do euthanasia : p
@ wifeisgone, what are you up to? I’m glad to hear from you again.
@Jacks here: howdy, I really appreciate your reply and your effort to prop up myself. thank you very much.
I’m pretty young and yes, you’re right when you tell that there will be other chapters and I don’t know what’s going to happen in the coming pages. But the mainly point is: I don’t know and I don’t want to know it anymore. In the last year I lost my grandma and I’ve had an horrible hard time coping, she was one of my reference mark near to me, and firstly I saw her health ravaged by cancer and thus I saw her die. Even now I feel guilty because I couldn’t close enough to my grandparent because I’ve had feeling of fear and sadness due to the view of illness and the possibility that sooner or later she’s gone. After and until (and to be honest also before because I was yet depressed) her death I began to hate the place where I live, and I began to have a distorted view of what was around me: the ordinary and normal house where I live became a sort of crumbling ruin into my perception, I couldn’t stop complaining, I couldn’t concentrate and I could not study and I began to lose (I mean “forget”) all the happy and joyful memories to the advantage of the my hotchpotch of traumatic memories. the reasons of this reaction are two: first one, I lost my reference point and I’m not able to cope to bereavement leave, secondly I had yet the feelings that I explained just few moments ago due to my depression, but the bereavement increased all of them. But in this condition I wasn’t always sad (instead sometimes I felt really happy and hopeful, full of gratitude) and I wasn’t alone because I had them – the two persons that I talked before- close to me, especially her. She told me to consider myself a member of their family and she told me to consider myself like her son, and I consider them as a family and her foster mother, and I saw them as a life line. What a stupid childish asshole I am. I admit that I committed a bunch of errors, sometimes I threatened suicide as help request and I didn’t show enough how grateful I was to them. Now I know and I completely understand the reason why I acted like this way: they, unconsciously for me, represented what I’ve always needed: firstly a place that I can call home and where I can feel safe and protect and where there is always someone who cares about me, a place that I would considered a point of coherency in an ever-changing world to help me to orientate myself, and as last point a place where I can find a physically personal space where I don’t have a fear of being invaded (a strong and particular concept and need of specific personal space is one of my mainly autistic symptom), so the fact that I’d found which my soul needed brought my desires from unconscious to conscious and, however, the fact I have my adoptive family too far away for me makes me feel always frustrated for the unmet needs and this is caused shutdown and panic attacks, I suppose to think. I know I’m childish, but I can’t change so deeply my cognitive and behavioral pattern. Apparently I have the skills to live what may be called a satisfactory life – pretty good intelligence and in the past I’ve had some cognitive potential in a few fields of study, I have also some good friends in virtual space who tells he is available to prop up myself also in real life, but I don’t consider them as a reference point and for what I’ve recently received (being deceived etc.) I can’t trust to someone never again-, but deeply I need a reference point because I’m not so self-sufficient. Besides these conclusions, what I’ve recently discovered and I’ve received it totally devastated me. Due also my wishful thinking, I allowed to being deceived and it sent me into the worst nightmare I’ve ever experienced. Nevertheless all my errors I don’t think to deserve that. being deceived and abandoned affects me all the day and night (especially from when I couldn’t distract myself anymore). what a fuckin’ idiot I am to give all my trust to a person who says to everyone who wants it to hear “you are my family, welcome to my family” and bullishits like that, I AM AN IDIOT!!! I really can’t rest my mind. maybe you can call a person who says everything she supposes the other people wants hear by her something like an “altruist”, but the whole truth nothing else but the truth is that one person who acts like that is an hypocritical who gives to the others illusions. I’m not good to understand the meanings of the social sphere and I didn’t realize that. I hate me I hate me I hate me. so all of what she told me was a bunch of crap, in fact “to give me early my christmas gift”, sooner than she abandoned me, she said that she lied when she stated about how much I was important for her, she said, few minutes before she disappeared completely, that nobody would care about me because it’s heavy and boring. what a dear foster mother. and what a stupid childish asshole I am, of course. my body hurts for how much I was idiot. I feel traumatized. now I’ve started to hate myself because I am so childish. In the last period she used to say to silence me when I tried to explain any signs of suffering: “you’re sick”, in other words it’s a phrase that means something like “hey, you’re so sick that you don’t have freedom of speech”. she used to say too: “you aren’t an issue to my field”, as if I am just only pathological and clinical case and not like a son as she said in the past. and maybe this is what I was, something like a game to test her maternal skills. her words are bombarding my brain and I find so ridiculous to admit that. I feel ridiculous, I feel ashamed. I feel guilty too to having given her more affection than how much I gave to grandma, to have given her all my trust, I feel so ridiculous because I think to her yet now like a family. she has broken all the promises and reassurances who she did. about him, I’m yet continuing to hearing him and I consider him a reference point and he have my gratitude and affect, but I’m going to stop all the relationships because now I know that cares about myself is boring and etc. etc. etc. maybe I’m ridiculous to say it too. I’m feeling disgusted, I’m an idiot, idiot idiot idiot idiot. I can infer that I considered her like a foster mother from how traumatic her abandonment, I can infer too that she never considered me like a son as she usually said from how much indifference she lied and abandoned me. As I said before, I can’t cope with bereavement. I’m starting again to cry right now and my body really hurts. goodbye
oh sh*t, I really wrote a lot, nevertheless I feel a little better right now
good morning people.
today I woke up feeling totally empty. After the emotional outbursts of the last two days I don’t have feelings or emotions anymore. no sadness, no anger, no happiness. No thoughts, neither past nor future. Just an enormous sense of emptiness. so I have to choose between two different way to suicide myself: detergent method (death induced by hydrogen sulfide) or simply hang myself. I want a peaceful death: so, guys, do you have any suggest about how can I spend my last days of life? All the suggestions are welcome.
I would take up an extreme sport or something like skydiving or something. Live a little. Death is inevitable why rush it?
I can’t find a single reason to stay.
yesterday was a good day! no thoughts, no anxiety.
Anyway I’m ready! the day before christmas or earlier will be my final day!
14.00pm 18/12/2013.
I’m crying and I am dead inside.
waiting for death.