I hate the night before my next therapy session.
Talking never helps, nor meds, ECT, numerous trips the last 3 years in and out of psychiatric hospitals. My background into depression started almost normally (trauma in life that set off a spiral). How that spiral has turned into the last 3 years I will never know.
Over 22 months of the last 36 in hospital, 6 suicide attempts (3 I really should have died but was saved), self harm, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and the last 6 months homelessness. Out of my last hospital visit 2 months ago and have been almost continually drunk every night just to get through to the next day, but then every new day I ask fucking why???
I hate it when my mind races, it hurts so bad. I just want to die, but my suicidal thoughts have subsided for the last few months into utter meaningless and desperation. I am almost too depressed to kill myself. I know what suicidal ideation and thoughts feel like after being that way for so long, but now I am stuck in a worse place, unable to take the final step again but stuck in misery, despair, meaninglessness, depression and a daily grind that hurts worse than death.
I just had to write this, because I lost everybody and everything to this illness and there is nothing left, at all.
3 comments
Damn. That’s a raw deal there.
What trauma happened in your life to cause this?
I know what you are going through. None of the treatments work, and my life seems to plummet into a deep and dark tunnel every waking minute. I can tell you want to get better. The fact that you posted this shows that. It may be easier to tell a complete stranger what happened to you. You may not find our opinions valid, but we want to help you. How have you gotten to this point?
I have been today to my therapist, and as expected, it has given very little insight.
I have told my story so many times to nurses, doctors and therapists but every time it seems to just dilute to nothing.
I guess all of the normal reasons why someone is messed up, physical and psychological abuse as a child, lost love, losing everything and contact with the outside world. Rape (I am a man), and some serious addictive tendencies.
In about 2 weeks I have to leave my current shelter and hit the winter streets again, it is so cold (in Sweden) and I just want to die. Last night I heard the train (which is just metres from me), I wish I could just lay on the tracks and end it.