Story of my life, if anyone has any advice id appreciate

Hey my name is Aly , and im 24. Been on my own since i was 17 , mum leaving me and dad when i was 2. Dad been most of his life a sailor, so not much around …He remarried , so i have a step mum and a half brother ( 19 yo ).Never got along with step mum thats why i left home at 17.

So.. left home at 17,moved in with my first bf who was 30 years old at that time… he made me choose..so i chose him ..

I’ve always felt like im in a tv show .. like im the main character and theres always someone watching , so i had to be good in everything i was doin . Finished highschool with 9,12, applied to a college that i didnt wanted just because bf wanted …and at that point was ok with me , hey in relationships u  gotta make some sacrifices…got my driver licence for cars and motorcycles just to prove to people who said ,you a girl cant do that , was happy to prove i can easily do it…

And then one day i found out that bf was cheating on me , myself very secure as i used to be , decided to confront him , ofc he lied into my face , i didnt belived him but i decided to let it go . i know i know was a mistake … it happend again , so again i confronted him , well this time it ended up with me on the floor and him stepping on me …wanted to leave him and move back home , every time i tried to leave i would get an other plate of punches and kicks..so i decided to wait until he is  goin to his  next voyage. Quited College  after also …. I regret that a lot …

So my first relationship ruined my heart and my trust . Since then i had 3 other relationships ( serious) and all ended up badly because of my lack of trust .

in my second serious relationship i tried to suicide( 3 years ago) by taking meds , took double(34) the quantity they say will kill(17) … well im still here so i guess they kinda lied about the Quantity lol

So i tried that and i didnt work , i was dissapointed and scared..so i decided to see a psihologist–  didnt worked out  well either , it made me more depressed and i just couldnt get out of it .. so i stopped , at some point the guy ended the relationship

Did lots of stupid stuff to pass thru that break up …

so 3rd relationship – not much to tell about it only that the guy stole 11000 euro from me , and run away when i was at cinema with my friends… so i guess there was not love at all …

4th one — still in it  just dont know for  how long anymore …we’re together for 1,5 years now ..engaged-we know eachother for 4 years

So this guy asked me to marry him after 2 months ( we re  from different  countries so in these 2 months we saw eachother 2 weeks).i was already in love with him , so when he asked i said to myself ” oh what the hell why not so what if its  too soon , i  guess he feels the same way i feel” so i said yes.after six months we moved together , rented an apartment – build our own nest

since my attempt of suicide i never tried or thought about it … until now …

im driving my fiancee away by being scared that he lies to me , that  he uses me , that i dont know why am i scared .or i dont know if i dont trust him – i ask myself  u really dont trust him? if so why  u still love him why are u here?

He came home  yesterday from work – so i asked if he made appoiment to church ( we were doin wedding prep)— and he says no , so i ask him , tell me whats happening i know u could have called , but u didnt wanted to ..so he said  he wants to break up.after hours and hours of trying to talk to him he decided to give it one more try .we  post-poned the wedding

but he said ” i love u , but not as much as i used to”

so i say ” then lets cancel the wedding and work on us , see how it goes”

he says ” no let it rest for a bit , i still wanna marry you ”

I think this is what makes me take this  so hard , i do not understand – u love me , not  as much , u postpone the wedding , u still wanna marry me , but u wanna breakup ???which feelings are true ?

now i just cant stop thinking , seeing with my eyes  open , myself taking a  knife and stabbing me  , right in the heart ,where the pain is

i dont wanna think like this , i  dont wanna think my life ends with a relationship , im cute , im smart .and yet i feel like i just cant move on, i feel like here is my last  stop…i feel like my life is a bad  song on repeat .who likes  bad songs?  someone has to stop it , right?

I feel lonely and i feel like no one understand me , like no one understand how much i love him and how much work i put in this relationship , how much  hope and dream.. I feel like the only way id feel better is to end it , because i dont know if he will ever love me the way he used to again ,and i just dont see my life without him. I feel like im impossible to be loved, like im cursed in sme way to drive away the most important person in my life,and i dont want other life, i dont wanna start it from zero again , i just want him

Yes i know many people see love problems not as big … but did u ever  asked urself what is life without love? what is it worth ?

to me , life without love, its  useless is sad … and meaningless …

i want him to love me just like i love him , i know its impossible  we  all love in out  own way , but at least i want him to love me like he used to

oh btw he says he wanted to break up cause of all the fights  for small stuff we have

im not saying im happy with fights,  but everyrelationship has fights,even for small stupid things.im his first serious relationship – he never lived with someone before.

Im sorry for so many boring details,i just think if someone can help , they need to know some details…

Does anyone has any kind of advice? please…