The darkness is almost complete

I do not know what it feels like to be comforted by someone. I do not know what it feels like to be loved, unconditionally, there are always conditions. I have lived my whole life trying to be what others wanted me to be to win their love. This does not work by the way, there is always something not lovable, even likable about me. I have no idea who I am. The only thing I know is that I am easily hurt, I am easily angered and I am never heard. I don’t know if they ‘just don’t hear me,’ like they say, I am ignored or just not noticed because I am unnoticeable. Do you know what its like to speak to people, you are quite sure you were heard, then the person just, walks away, even if they were not finished doing what they were doing? It happens everyday. Bosses, co-workers, ‘friends,’ family, they all do it. When a hug is the appropriate response to a hurt I get yelled at instead. I know this sounds so trivial, but after a lifetime of never feeling loved has brought me to this darkness. I crave love so much that I tend to get in relationships with people who don’t really love me, who only want to change me. Its probably my fault. I try to be the person they want me to be, but then, you can only do that for so long. At this point I just want it all to end. The pain of living everyday is becoming unbearable. I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of feeling worthless, I’m tired of being the loser, I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being a failure, I’m tired of being blamed for everything bad that happens, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of struggling, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of living, I’m tired of everything! I have no desire to continue this struggle, this farce of a life. The darkness is almost complete.