The Emotional Mask

So I started watching the show Dexter, and it’s weird how much I relate to him. Not that I’m a serial killer killer, but the fact that I wear an emotional mask all the time. He was taught at such a young age how to pretend to be normal and fit in, and now that I look back, I taught myself how to pretend. I’ve never been seriously happy my whole life. Maybe I just trick myself into thinking that this fake happy really is what happy is supposed to feel like. I don’t think so, though. I can’t remember ever smiling when I was by myself. Or any emotion. I just go blank. Nothing. I feel depressed, but I rarely cry. I get kind of shaky, but I guess that’s it. I wish I felt like I could talk to someone about this, but I just can’t. I’m even in a fraternity; I live in a goddamn frat house and still feel like I have no-one who truly cares about me which I know for a fact is not true. I feel like it’s really hard to get people to take depression and suicidal thoughts seriously; Just now this girl I know is breaking down in our bathroom again, just like she does almost every night, and everyone is so concerned about her. Are my issues not as important as her inability to commit to a relationship? Or are people just thinking they might get their dicks wet if they comfort her? Maybe that’s why I’ve never even been close to having a relationship, I can’t deal with all the bullshit. God I hate all the bullshit. I forgot where I was going with this, but the point I’m trying to make is I need to figure out how to take off this mask and let people see the real me before I lose him forever. I haven’t let people see the real me for so long that I wonder if he is even still alive. I know I need to check if he is, but if I find him gone then do I even exist anymore? Did I ever? I may be getting a little out there right now, but I can’t wear this mask any longer. But I’ve lived with it on for so long, can I survive with it off? Only time will tell.