Where to begin?
The past:
I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember. I used to cry myself to sleep for a variety of reasons when I was as young as 4 and 5. I dropped out of a prestigious university due to worsening depression and panic attacks. I’ve been on and off various antidepressants and anti anxiety medication for almost 20 years. Â They numb the pain so I can function but what kind of life is that? Â My life doesn’t get better when I’m medicated-I just don’t care as much how bad it is. Â I attempted suicide about 10 years ago and ended up recovering from the overdose. Â I wish I hadn’t.
The present:
My 36th birthday is approaching. Another year of failure, pain and disappointment. Â I’ve recently ended my romantic relationship-I am damaged, he is damaged and our collective baggage was just too much to manage.. My family only contacts me when they need something. My “friends” all got married and had kids and forgot about me. Â My family pities me as the old maid. I am overweight and not attractive. Â I have some pretty serious self esteem issues. Â I judge myself very harshly. Â I work a meaningless job where I shuffle papers. Â I attempted to go back to school recently and got myself into an additional $30, 000 debt and did not finish the program. I struggle with chronic pain due to migraines. Â I am not contributing anything to this world and i am sick of just getting by. For every 1 moment of happiness I have a thousand moments of misery and pain and despair. Â I’m not interested in continuing to live but I’m also terrified of surviving another suicide attempt. Â I wish there was an option to request and receive some kind of lethal dose of medication. Â Why keep living when it’s pointless and joyless and just a series of painful disappointments? Â I get up to work to put a roof over my head. The end. No happiness, no meaningful contribution to society, no purpose or for waking up every day.
The future:
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately. Â Ridiculous as it sounds the only thing that has stopped me is figuring out what to do with my dog and cats! Â I don’t want them to go to the pound. I don’t want them trapped in an apartment with me for lord knows how many days until the smell alerts someone that something might be amiss ….Carbon Monoxide us all ? But how to make sure I don’t accidentally take out my neighbours too? Â I don’t want to do anything messy….. My nephew shot himself in the head last year. Â I don’t want to have that be anyones last image of me. Â I’m stuck. Â I feel trapped and hopeless. Â 36 years of misery is enough! I can’t handle 36 more years of solitude and rejection and abandonment……
3 comments
hang on to whatever tiny little positive aspect of life that you can grasp… that’s what I’m doing, it’s all we can do sometimes – they tell me that things can change. I am sorry for your loss.
Time is an important concept here. The past is gone, the future is out of reach for now. In the present you can change your mind. In the present you can offer what until now had been lacking. Love, trust, peace. Despite all the resistance in your mind, you can do this. In the present. In the now. Take a moment, perhaps a minute, and try it. Once a day. Make it a habit. It will help. G.W.
i understand the feelings of hopelessness.in omost everthing u wrote i can relate.i understand u have isuses that feel like they are keeping u confined from feeling free with well being.now l understand that the bad feelings have become ur intire focus in reality,so lm not meaning to try to say that any of ur complaints are not makeing u feel like total shit.what i want realize is that u dont have as bad as others that are worse.the world is full of people with all sorts of diferent combanations of disease,disabilitys.deformatys and body parrts causeing pain.there are people in all stages of life,some in good health for the moment others headed closer to the end of days.so i think we are very simalar all though in my opinion i think that i got a shitter hand in a deck of the deck of cards.im hopeing by realizeing in comparison that others are suffering bad mentaly and pysicaly worse in ways,mabe u can less hopeless and at lease be glad ur not paralized or a burn victum or blind or someing.i am a male,also 36 and so burned out of life because of my mental illness.parinoid skizaphrinia has ruined my life.l have so many other brain conditions like depression ocd adhd and really a bit of all mental health.l have such social phobia l feel so defensive in public,seriusly am alergic to most people and street trafic it weakens me as soon as l step out of my apartment l feel a peoples emotions,so cold and full of hate for me. lrealized a while ago i am anti social meaning l am not compadible with human male or female.lm a loner for life.my only friend is my 14 year old cat.when he dies on me l have decided and have plans that it may be the best time to end it.on top of all the mental problems, lve had cronic pelvic pain on and off over the last 6 years.and just last month l had to get my right testicle removed because of cancer.can anyone beleive my luck.7 years ago i atempted a bloody wrist slash combined with 50 sleeping pills.l wasnt sopose to fail.lsevered a tenden and omost cut through most of the nerve that controled my hand. l guess that artery is just tucked so deep behind tendion and nerves i later found out only 1percent of wrist slashers complete suicide.after my attempt 7 years ago,l made a promise to never atempt again.well over those 7 years my promise got weak.im burned out.im sick and tired of being a human being.any buddy else with the same sufering problems would of gave up already.the truth for the only reason im hanging around is because l have a earreplaceable bond with my 14 year old cat that l raised.his time is not far away.when i make sure his passing is as comfortable as can do, l have no reason to participate in being a human being