What is the right thing to do?
Is it to be true to myself and destroy my family, or deny who I am and mask the pain? There’s no middle road. Either I do something that will trigger more guilt than I can handle, or I slide back into repression, denial, and depression. Either way I’m going to end up staring down the barrel of a shotgun. Again.
I love everything about my family. I have it all… except for this ONE GODDAMNED THING. Why do I want it so bad? Why can’t I be rid of these desires?
9 comments
I know how you feel bro, I made a post about the same thing more or less….. People who have never been suicidal are brainwashed into thinking it’s this horrible thing. That we should enslave ourselves to the dictates of society and the feelings of others… I don’t want to hurt the people I care about, but I am living my life– nobody else. Why should I have to suffer to make other people happy?
The right thing to do is what’s right for you. Though, if you love your family that much, perhaps there’s still hope of living happily, or at least peacefully. Just make sure you’re clear on why you’re doing what you’re doing and that you’re sure it’s what’s best for you.
what’s best for me is to make my exit, it’ll happen sometime after x-mas this year. Hopefully before new years….. But somewhere around that time.
Trace, you have set up a false dichotomy as the only choices, neither of which is acceptable, leaving yourself nowhere.
Suggestion: Admit your logical mistake, consider counseling as a middle course. You need to work out the anger issues.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m only 13 but I need to say goodbye SOON. Life is unbearable, but I’m scared I’ll hurt my family. I just want to to do something for myself, but everyone says “suicide isn’t the answer” and all that crap. I’m sorry I don’t have an answer for you, but I can relate to you.
I’ll grant that the dichotomy might well be false. But so far experience seems to bear out the model. Which sucks. And I am in counseling, but… I’m not angry at all. Despondent, guilt-ridden, and frustrated, sure, but not angry.
It is good that you are in counseling. Maybe the intensity needs to be kicked up a notch. Not angry? Eating the shotgun said anger to me, and it is usually present wherever the others are. No matter. There are some bedrock, powerful forces at play below the surface and some help in letting them out therapeutically is called for. All the best.
G.W.
Most will tell you that the solution is a combination of therapy amd pharmaceuticals. That you meed to alter both your perception amd your brain chemistry. It is possible this will help. But you need to identify the soufce of your depression to know. Why are you frustrated?
Thanks, G.W. Yeah, I’m on pills as well. They have provided a remarkable, tangible increase in stability and mood elevation. I can (usually) function pretty well on ’em.
There are definitely some bedrock issues here involving my sexuality. It took me ten years of hell and two years of subsequent therapy to come to that fundamental realization.
I’ve heard it said that suicide is often homicide that the perpetrator redirects onto themselves, in which anger must certainly play a role. I’m just exhausted.