I am – please excuse my language – absolutely shitting myself right now.
I’m tossing around the idea of hacking at my arm vertically tonight – I did last night, though the cuts weren’t deep enough for my liking, or the purpose, should I say? Sitting here, right now, I’m am literally smiling just thinking about it.
I’ll look to my arm and it’ll screams at me to cut it.
I’ll look to the blade and it’ll screams at me to use it.
I’ll look it the mirror and my reflection will scream at me to do it.
And so, I’ll look for a reason not to – any reason. But there doesn’t seem to be one.Â
My past haunts me,
The present hurts me,
And there is no future.
And so, I’m still sitting here. Tossing around the idea of cutting vertically. And it seems more and more likely I will do it tonight.Â
4 comments
Did you make it through?
i to toss the idea around i just cant get myself to do it
I feel, and felt, exactly as you do now. But you have to think about the permanence of your scarring. I have scars all up my arm and my thigh, and I no longer have the confidence to wear skirts that might ride up, or go to the beach (I live in Sydney, on the Northern Beaches, so that pretty much alienates me from my friends), and regardless of the tattoo on my wrist saying ‘alive’ i still feel empty. I waitress, and so I have my arm on full view every night, and it makes me want to vomit when I see people notice.
It is a great release at the time, I enjoyed it, but now I live with the ramifications of my pain etched into my skin forever more.
Don’t do it.
I’ve never liked the idea of the agonizing minutes that will pass, fully conscious and aware of bleeding out… but i suppose it beats suffocating or burning alive.