well damn it..

Sorry for your loss. I lost a close friend some years ago and the hardest thing was not being able to say goodbye – I called her apartment one day, we hadn’t talked in a while and a stranger answered the phone. When I asked to speak to my friend she just said “Heddy’s gone. I’m sorry, did you know her well?” Yeah, I did. I knew enough to stand by her when the married guy she loved treated her like a piece of meat; I knew enough that she could speak freely with me about her desire to die. And I didn’t get to say goodbye. Pain does funny shit to you. But one thing it always does the same – when it gets to fucking big the only way to stop it is to die. People don’t always understand that. The think you are weak if you want out of the pain. They call you a coward and they mock you and tell you to “buck up, you *****.” Well I’m still here. I don’t want to be. I have no answers but I do know that there could be someone else out there that would and could be as close if you can only find the will to look. Only you can make that decision. What the fuck am I saying? I don’t know. Probably nothing important.