The reason I’m on this website is because one I’m too lazy to write my thoughts down on a piece of paper I’m worried someone will read, and two I don’t want to type something up because I’m also worried someone I know will read it.
I’m a sophomore in college, and have no idea what I want to do with my life. This sounds completely cliche, and not a big deal, but looking at my past in high school among everything else that’s happened it is far from cliche and closer to what-the-fuck how are you alive still?
Anyway, this feeling–this worthless hopeless hideous feeling that crawls into my mind every day is mentally killing all that I know, and I really don’t know much. There’s nothing I can do;
I can’t retain information well, I’m an idiot at most academics, the people around me are brilliant, beautiful and carefree (seemingly) and I can’t deal with myself. I suck.
I feel like I have no time. All I think about is how badly I want those people who tell me “Life is short” to go away, because they will only say “You have time” soon after. And I don’t, I have no time to do anything.
I’m constantly thinking in advance, and there’s nothing. I’m one measly person on this huge planet listening to success stories with hopes they’ll persuade me rather than make me want to kill myself. I am the epitome of a person who knows nothing and quietly feels like an inadequate piece of shit. My quiet persona doesn’t help socially either. I don’t know. More and more I find myself alone in my room staring at the wall literally wanting to die, saying my full name in my head over and over and asking why I had to be this person. Life could be so much worse, I know. I think about people I don’t even know who I might even make up in my head with real life situations that are terrifying and that just makes me want to die more knowing they would kill for where I am.
So what is it, possibly drop out of school or stay in and get some random job I hate only to live life in a hateful manner or none of it. I hate all of this I feel like I’m just some pathetic girl complaining on and on but memories come back to me as well and I don’t know how to react. I can’t react and I scare myself and this mindset changes but recently its been bad.
Just, god what am I even doing..
10 comments
you’re not alone if it’s any consolation.
inadequacy, guilt, depression — these are my skills.
also, never thought i would make it this far in life even though if i died now most would be astonished at the desire to give up so early
however, i’m also fairly sure this anxiety is normal. and as much as it doesn’t really help to say or know this (since the pain is still the same), it does supply some hope , at least for me.
one other thing that usually helps me: never, ever, think in the long term. think about one thing at a time, and maybe if it’s possible a few moments in advance, but nothing more. life is always going to be shit if you’re constantly comparing it to everything that it SHOULD be. just enjoy what you can, when you can. that’s how i get by everyday, at least
yep I relate, that was the story of my life 15 years ago, and still is. Nothing has changed for me either. I have no friends, I can’t make friends, I am pretty much useless in this world. I eat from a can in one bedroom apartment if that is not cliché. How many more movies can I go see? It is strange how people can mean so much to one’s life, and yet they stress you in so many different ways. I don’t know if you have come to this thought, but maybe there is point, like language, where if you didn’t get the good nurturing by a certain age, then one’s personality is such that it can never recover those social skills. I don’t know your past, but if it is anything like mine, then you have a dam good reason for why you are in the situation you are in today.
yeah true, i can see where its normal but for some reason its so hard to not think long term when everything a person does changes how it will be in the future..
i know everyone will die someday and never know how or when but how can people just not think about that all the time..?
As for the past, no one likes to talk about it as far as i can see. everyone I’m related to has to pretend things never happened in order for them to go away but to me how can anyone do that when these things/problems/tragedies that happened were life changing. That messes people up so much right
haha idk i do think about death all the time. but i think you can still have moments of happiness amidst this, i guess
“So what is it, possibly drop out of school or stay in and get some random job I hate only to live life in a hateful manner or none of it.”
Me right now. It’s scary :/
I wanted to be a doctor my entire life. Sometimes I still do. But…I dislike myself so much sometimes that I find myself to be undeserving of the life I live. And even if I did deserve it, my eyes have been glazed over so much that college and success no longer mean a thing. I look around at the people who I go to school with and they all care about their petty little college things that won’t matter in 2 years’ time. What is the college experience but an hour in the playpen for adults? It’ all stupid, and meaningless…Everything is meaningless… Ecclesiastes 1 is my anthem nowadays.
Please do not hide what you are feeling because for years upon years I did just that. I was never a happy child for various reasons, but because I was so focused on school I had to shove all of that aside. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that all those events kinda dawned on me, and I reacted to all of them at once. It happened a little over a year ago, and since then I’ve almost committed suicide multiple times. It’s so scary not knowing if you’ll see the light of day tomorrow because half of you wants to cease existing. It’s even scarier deciding to live. But I do it every time… I just wanted to be a doctor.
I don’t know if we feel the exact same way but do know that as someone who just recently left school, I am here if you’d like to talk. It can be here on Suicide Project, or you can e-mail me at alexis.maxlab@gmail.com.
Maybe we can get thru this together.
If you make a short-sighted error, people will act like you were just so foolish to not think ahead, think of the future…
If you behave strangely or forgo common/typical/popular activities, or just generally spend your time differently, due to thinking of the future… people “in the now,” will accuse you of “thinking too much” or “thinking too far ahead,” and tell you things like “live in the now!”
Honestly, everyone is full of shit, almost everything is a double-standard wrapped in platitudes and fantastical cognitive dissonance. Most people seem to have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world, or how to make effective adjustments to make things better.
Smarts had nothing to do with Academia, academia and the class rooms are just the new church/mosque/synagogue/temple for the new age, mindless self deception and egotistical group think wrapped in the illusion of enlightenment and freethought. I suck at academics myself, but am one of the most educated and smart people in my life (not to toot my own horn), an academia nut is a dumbed up person, whereas a redneck or a thug is a dumbed down person. Rather dumbed up or dumbed down, dumb is dumb. And I can almost guarantee you, beyond all the fancy word play and shit, those deumbed up hipsters at the university are about as clueless as they get. And too drunk on their own kool aid to realize how stupid and hypocritical they actually are.
Smart comes from experience, curiosity (which curiosity can come from hardship), more than half these hipsters in college don’t know the meaning of hardship, they’ve got mommy and daddy paying for them to go to school and wiping their bums… Don’t beat yourself up over those losers. The value of ones life has nothing to do with some superficial status degree or a piece of paper…. I’m not gonna tell you what to do or not to do with your life, it’s not my position to do so. I’m not you. I’m just offering you my advice here.
Just one little distinction to make: “smarts” is not only from experience. Geniuses are born, not made. Wisdom, however, is certainly all about experience.
Okay i guess there’s another distinction:
“academia” is not all indoctrination and social integration.
In fact, i would surmise that the most academic people spend quite a lot of effort on non-social pursuits, quite a lot of time alone, and are legitimately “smarter” than the majority of non-academic people… though there are exceptions, which is why terms like “book smarts” and “street smarts” exist. There are some “academics” who don’t have much social intelligence, and some “street wise” people who know how to navigate the roughest parts of their regions, without needing the stuff taught in classrooms.
Science is hard. Programming is hard. Normal people can’t do that stuff. If you think digging a ditch is hard, try inventing facebook or google, or building your own linux distro. Or how about writing an auto-pilot algorithm qualified for use in airliners? Or designing a shuttle to be launched into space, able to safely return to earth? Finance is another area where things can rapidly become more complex than a typical person can handle. “Academia” isn’t all BS, but the indoctrination institutions sure do abuse the need to pursue knowledge, and waste plenty of resources on teaching “noise” and false constructs to keep people in line.
Well, thing is the institutions, most of these academic phenomenon you speak of are so complex, even those who spend 4-8 yrs in a school learning in, really only know what they’ve been taught, when it comes to things like physics, chemistry, genetics, etc… There is far more unknown than known…. And the aristocracy who controls all these sciences and institutions, has a monopoly on it… They’re *at least* 50-100 yrs ahead of us “peons.” But they don’t share that with us unless there is an agenda behind it. So we’re given incomplete sciences…… Peer review is a joke, kinda like “voting,” it’s a false tool to fool us into thinking we have a voice. After Bush Jr.’s 1st election and Obama’s 2nd election, I think there’s solid enough evidence to show our voice doesn’t matter in the system, the electoral college (another controlled institution) elects the people who get into office…
Well, it’s a bit different with peer reviews, the process is a little different but in many ways the same. The process itself is often subject to bias and herd mentality. Science, academia, is almost like the replacement religion for dogmatic atheists looking for something else to grab onto and put their blind faith into. So in some sense is the state to many uber lefties, and to some degree all this runs in together…. Kinda like in USSR, they made academia and state the new religion. Same thing happening here in America now….
Look at the Strecker Bros., 2 independent scientists who had discovered how AIDS was created in a laboratory (no doubt for depopulation), they were gonna go public with this but then they were mysteriously assassinated. There were no peer reviews to save them.
As for what happens when we die, if anything happens, is anyone’s guess…. The only reasonable stance is to be agnostic. I’m an agnostic hopeful, meaning, I try to hold onto hope there is something beyond this because if not, there’s no reason for me even ever having lived if my only purpose was to take a beating…. But, even if there is not, once I am dead I won’t be conscious to notice what I am missing anyhow (which obviously isn’t much, if my only reason here was to take a beating). But the concept of an afterlife isn’t so far fetched if we take it on a naturalistic, philosophical approach rather than a mythological, religious-based approach. If such an afterlife exists, it is totally neutral to our concepts of right and wrong, or good and evil.
Problem with what crumbs we are fed on science is we’re not given a complete science, the aristocracy is holding a lot back from us…. Francis Bacon, 33rd degree Freemason, wrote a book called “The New Atlantis.” In this book he predicted the rise of America, and also, eluded to the rise in nuclear power…. Now he did this at a time when people were traveling on horse and chariot, on cobblestone roads, and writing by candle light, long before America was founded…. So how did he know of this? Because he knew the plan, he was part of that “elite” fraternity, or “brotherhood.”
So with what sciences we are given, the concept (to me) is like, setting up a house of cards…. If you remove so much as one card, the entire thing comes toppling over…. Most of our more complicated sciences are subject to this fault, there can always be numerous “insignificant factors” in a project which get overlooked, which could end up making a world of difference. At least when dealing with more complicated phenomenon, chemistry, genetics, physics, etc etc etc….. Hell even economics is barely able to truely be grasped by most…..