I had been planning my suicide for months….
Researching methods…
Throwing away my possessions and clothes…
Writing my note…
Coming up with a good plan…
Then the day slowly rolled around and the closer it got… The more unsure I became….It was easy to tell myself in June that I would die in November….It liberated me from all my worries about the future… “knowing” I was going to die… I didn’t even attempt it…My heart wasn’t in it like last time….if I had tried to do it it would have been half assed and insincere…. I’m really angry with myself and I feel like an Idiot….All this fucking time WASTED planning something that didn’t even happen…
So now what?
Do I just continue on drifting through time until I get the balls to do it?
What do I do?….I kept fucking telling myself “I wasn’t scared of death” and when it came time to face it….I withdrew like a little *****…like the little kid who talks shit until its time to fight then he runs….that’s me… I talked all that bullshit about how I was ready to die and truth is….I’m not… I want to be DEAD but I do not want to DIE….if that makes sense…
Its time to be honest with myself….I am fucking terrified of dying…I don’t want to go through the process…Despite me finding a painless method of dying I realize that is not the only problem….I don’t want to be conscious  when I die… I want to die asleep…oblivious to those last terrifying moments…
Now all my thoughts and worries about the future have returned…The risk of homelessness…the upcoming holidays…the fact that I am a burden…The fact that I’m a loser…The fact that I’m going absolutely nowhere fast…the fact that I’m deteriorating….like it didn’t matter prior to today because I figured “hey I’m dying in November anyways” Â but now that I’m alive what the fuck do I do!….
I can’t continue on the same path….I’m not going anywhere and I’m a fucking trainwreck mentally…. What do I do? I’m terrified of dying…So now what?
I’m so disgusted with myself today….I shouldn’t even be fucking typing this….I should be well into Rigor mortis right now….but nope….here I am…..I’m a fucking loser man….I flunked at failing….smh…couldn’t even be a “success” in that….
Man this is fucked up…
17 comments
I realize that anything I say is going to sound really stupid, but I guess you aren’t ready to go yet. I guess we have to keep on trying to live… not worrying about the future, but focusing on the present
Maybe failing at failing is a success in itself? Ha… maybe we need to carry that fearless, unworried nature going forward. I wish I had more answers for you, but I can hardly stave off the same questions, the same fears.
Good wishes.
I can truly empathize with you, I’m at the same place. I thought I’d be gone by now. I’ve been a procrastonator my whole life and still doing it. I can’t bear the idea of doing the upcoming holidays, they’re always depressing and lonely for me. I’m torn on what to do with my cat. I just need to get it done. Good luck Pain, I hope you can figure out what to do, I feel for you,
I get it, I don’t particularly want to kill myself either, I just don’t want to be here anymore. I wish I knew of a decent way to go, but there’s so many possible complications, if only there was a single pill you could that once took there would be no backing out.
I’ve been there. I tried to kill myself twice. both were failures. the truth is. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live with so much emotional pain. today was a good day. I realized, through reading posts like yours, that I’m not alone with my problems. everyone on earth is trying to figure it out just like me. some seem to have it more figured out than others but we, all of us are in the same boat. today I wasn’t worried about my future. I talked with a few friends. I thought about others. my life is no dream. I struggle at times but reading these posts has really opened my eyes at the amount of suffering out there. thank you for that. I lived another day because I realized I’m not the only one trying to figure out what to do.
Wow, thanks for sharing your experience. I hope that does not happen to me. I have planned to off myself at the end of January. I have everything ready: the money, lodging, what I want to do before I CTB, the note and, of course, the method.
And however, I could end up just like you. I guess I’ll use alcohol to reduce the hesitation. If not, maybe a little white lie would help (i.e. telling myself I’ll go to paradise after the deed is done).
I’ve done this several times in each of the last several years. There are several “special days” that i might have picked as my exit day, but each time, as they approach, i begrudgingly trudge through it, bearing the unbearable, accepting the unacceptable, tolerating the intolerable. At some point i realized that i won’t be able to pick a date in advance and stick to a plan. I’ll have to just prepare my method and allow it to occur spontaneously.
I want to skip the dying part and go straight to being dead. I don’t want pain or horror or hysteria, or a long series of minutes of regret, after making an irreversible choice. But that would require special resources that i most likely cannot access, so the remaining selection of methods acts as one of the few true deterrents. But i know i can do it if/when the time comes. Just like everything else, it won’t be the way i want… but i guess that’s just life, and death.
I was so sure I would be able to do it though…I replayed the scenario in my head countless times….I practiced the method several times…I’ve obsessively thought about it….I planned, plotted and rehashed my method several times….all for nothing….just more wasted time and effort….you can go back and read my previous post and comments and see how sure I was that I would be able to do it….then the moment comes and I ***** up…. I feel like such an idiot…. I underestimated my aptitude for bullshitting….which is basically what I’ve done these last few months….bullshit myself into believing I could easily commit suicide if I found a painless method….
Truth is….The pain isn’t the issue….its the fear thats the *****…I can’t overcome the fear…the last few moments of fear that you experience before death is the most terrifying thing ever….and upon my realization of this I know I am trapped until I can either obtain barbiturates or find a way to die while unconscious…
Don’t feel guilty for staying alive bro. You are everything you need to start out as a person, since you haven’t been living the life you want to live, maybe it’s time to start pondering lives you could possibly live. Baby steps my friend. But like all humans learning to live, eventually you find a foot hold and take off running. And throw some caution to the wind… Go look for a job!!
I am feeling exactly how you are – only my date is less than one week away. Today should be my last Wednesday. I felt relaxed and happy yesterday, thinking that I could change my plan, even making plans on taking a vacation so I could reset my life and the direction I was headed.
But then this afternoon I am back to being suicidal. Wishing I could just do it now instead of putting it off, but getting frustrated at myself for feeling this way because yesterday and this morning I was OK. I think its normal for there to be this roller coaster of emotions so close to it happening. Maybe yesterday was me actually being at peace with my decision so I could relax and realize its almost done.
It was nice feeling like I was in control by planning all this ahead of time. I have a few more things left to gather. I worry that I will do it spontaneously instead of as planned, but that may not be such a bad thing. Only one letter left to write, but it is the hardest one because it is for my mom. I hope she will be OK, but I can’t keep living for other people like I have been. I feel like I’m living a lie because I have to pretend to be OK when I’m just breaking down more and more on the inside.
@RT30….I could….but when they ask me for my SS card birth certificate and license then what? because I threw all those things away….
The problem is that any life I could even want to live is out of my reach…I don’t want to work for pennies….If anything I want to have a residual income….but I can’t obtain anything close to that in this state….my mind and brain have gone to shit…I have no ambition no motivation I either feel like shit or I don’t feel at all most of the time I mean this shit is frustrating….I don’t feel guilty for living….I feel guilty for not dying….
Painnlife, I know exactly what you mean. I have also gone through a similar experience a few times in the last 10 – 15 years. I’ve had that feeling of relief when I had decided that I would be ending my life. No worries about the future because there wouldn’t be one. It is a great feeling to have, although the whole time that I was feeling relief at not having to face a future, I was also feeling guilt over the suffering that I would cause my family. Anyways, I came to realize exactly what you said. I am TERRIFIED of dying. I am terrified of those last moments of horrifying fear, panic, regret… I’m also terrified of what will happen to me after. If my soul/spirit will go to hell and I’ll have to suffer a million times more pain for all of eternity. But even putting aside the issue of the after life, I’m just absolutely terrified to kill myself. I also want to go to sleep and just painlessly and more important fearlessly die in my sleep.
I think all of us on SP should call each other and talk. At least we’d have each other to understand us and relate to us. I have a few close friends, but I have never bared my soul to them the way that I have here. There would be no reason to. They wouldn’t understand. But I feel like people here, well at least you all understand.
I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I really do know exactly how you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with that disappointing feeling more than once, when I realized that I actually do have to continue to live with this pain and I do have to face the future, since I’m too fucking scared to take my life. I’d even be too scared to die any other way. I’m just scared to be conscious and aware while my life is ending.
it takes time i have thought of it and all i do is cut and sit in bed thinking or just starring at the ceiling. I really don’t know what to do i am just a sophmore in high school but i feel like i don’t wanna keep moving on….
@pain- what kind of philosophy would you use if some one were to come to you and say.. “I want to live but I don’t want to pay the price for living”?
For me, I had to try very hard to “learn” how to be a better functioning person, capable of standing on his own 2 feet. I know how hard and painful it is making journeys that just seem to fail us. But you have to keep pushing through the pain and anguish till you find your true strength in the grand scheme of things. You need to fight to land yourself in a better place where you can finally admit to yourself that you’ll be alright. Don’t set so many limitations for yourself, cuz after all, life is either too damn short, or way too fucking long. Either way, you’re never gonna get exactly what you want or need in this life. But most certainly not when you do nothing about it. So your chances are better off having taken chances..before its too late.
I care for you bro. Do what you gotta do!
And you can get all your info back through the proper channels. Google all that info
I never told anyone this..
I don’t remember the exact date, when it happened. All I knew was today, right now is the day, the time. I was in my flat. I got a bucket to make sure I don’t make a mess of things.
The unopened scalpel blade ready. I made a nice bed on the couch and with a firm push and quick pull, it started the count down. My arm was placed through the back of the couch lower then my body and the sound of liquid running was heard.
I was waiting for the feeling of fading away.
And in walked my dad “unplanned” and not being able to see the bucket. I started crying and asked him to please leave. That probably triggered his interest and he took a chair and sat and said “talk” I asked him nicely for the second time to please just leave me I need to be alone for awhile. He just sat there with his cigarette.
Silence fell other the place … with only the sound of my blood dripping from one finger. The sound caught his attention and he bent down from the chair and saw everything, and knew what was happening. “This was not what I had planned”
Years later and here I am
I think it’s cause it’s cold. Who would want to go in such an uncomfortable climate?
No I don’t really think that. It probably added to it plus the unsuredness of the method but that weird dichotomy of not wanting to live but not wanting to die either… I don’t think that will ever be 100% one way or the other. I don’t think anyone ever wants to die with every fiber in their being. They just have tried and tried.. and tried again to have some sort of life. We don’t really want to die but we don’t want to live this life. But we also don’t even believe that another life is possible for us. So therefore we want to die.
The block in the mind is the not deserving a better life or not thinking you could make it possible. That’s what’s truly stopping me from getting better. I could say the acne scars or wahtever but people live with scars. It’s the scars of the mind that truly inhibit us.
Idk what to say tho Pain. I guess i feel your pain. And I’m really glad you’re still here cause I would deeply miss chatting with you.
THe thing about barbiturates is… I wish they were hard to find (like they are) because if everyone had access to them..they might make rash decisions. But I wish they were at least attainable. That way the people that truly knew without a doubt they wanted them, could get them if they worked hard enough.
Never underestimate the will to live that can be thought of as a fear of death by the conscious mind. Your mistake is taking this as some sort of weakness on your part. Fuck that! Only problem I see is that you are too smart for your own good. You have a lot to unlearn still. Anyway I’m not who you think I am (not some arrogant or elitist asshole) so if you want to text, send me an email at jefferywissman@gmail.com. I’ve lived all over Cincinnati both east and west. When I was in my 20s I “chickened out”–best thing I could have done.