Thats exactly how I feel. Almost all of the time. I have a wonderful wife, a wonderful son. But sometimes things are just so fucked up, and me and my wife get into arguments…and say hurtful things to each other. I dont mean what I say, and I know she doesnt, were just both angry at the time. But still, we argue.
We view things differently. Always have. And I know I dont fully understand her way of thinking and she doesnt understand mine. But we cant seem to find a mid point for us.
Im not saying we fight all the time…90% of our marriage is perfect, or at least as perfect as any marriage can be…the usual small arguments, trying to figure out how to do something, concern over bills, worrying about our son, ect. The normal things.
But see, even when things are good, I can see how their lives would be better if I were dead. I have great life insurance…enough to cover paying off everthing, including our house. And still leave a decent amount in the bank. My wife makes fairly good money, enough that if there are no bills she and our son could live comfortably.
And I know I am holding both of them back from being the best they can be. Not purposely, but because I want to take care of them, keep them safe, because I love them both. Painfully so. I cant stand the thought of anything happening to either of them…but at the same time I know I cant keep doing what Im doing…but I cant stop…Im too scared for them…for me.
If I can find the courage to somehow end my life, they could move on….do so much better…without me holding them back….even hurting them at times even though I dont mean to.
And no, im not abusive…not that way anyway…I just see me as a wall stopping both from growing the way they want and need to.
I would give my life just to make them happy….at least, I will when I get the courage….
4 comments
If their lives would be that much better without you, don’t you think your wife would have divorced you?? Their lives will not be better without you, I promise. I’m a 17 year old without a father, and my life is not better without one.
Don’t life insurance policies not pay out for suicides?
I hate to use this kind of rationale, but it really would be better off for at least your son if you stayed around. Probably your wife too. Maybe the visions you see about how their lives would be better without you are wrong. Not having a father can really screw up a kid.
Change your argument style, enjoy the good times – do whatever you can to stay strong and be supportive.
Poisontongue is right. Most life insurance policies have a ‘no suicide’ clause and won’t payout if you kill yourself. Check your policy to be sure.
Also, if you end your life, they will be forever heartbroken. We all have our flaws. No one is perfect. I’m sure you’re a good father for your son and a good husband too.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. 🙂
I’ve checked with every company out there. Life insurance plans absolutely do not pay in the event of suicide, as others have already stated in previous comments.
I do not believe that your family would agree that their lives would be better without you. Have you ever mentioned your desire to exit to your wife? I’m sure she would in no uncertain terms tell you that you’re wrong. And your son, well that goes without saying. Of course he NEEDS his dad.
Try to hang in there. You are loved and needed! 🙂