Repeatedly listening to something that grasps a piece of what I can’t express.

I’m scared of myself. I’m reckless. There’s nothing that I want to do more than to die, it’s like this really strong drug that I can’t live without. And I can’t tell anyone about it. Every night when everything seems to become quiet and everybody is asleep, I feel myself pulled into an unknown destination which causes me to feel extreme pain and euphoria at the same time. I think it’s death. I am so scared of actually doing it, taking overdose, pulling the trigger, anything. I’m scared of leaving everything behind, my life, my lovers. But what is the use in dying everyday and being scared of living when you can end it all?

This isn’t life. This is a robotic way of dying. You “live” all your life just to experience pain and regret. I just don’t get it. I’m tired of trying to get it. I’m tired of listening to people deciding what’s wrong with me. I’m tired of medication. I’m so exhausted. I just want to die.